Overcoming Anger in Motherhood With Compassion & Balance w/ Elizabeth Andreyevskiy

Aaron Smith (01:08)
Hey everyone, welcome back to the marriage after God podcast. I’m here with Elizabeth Andre, yes. Yes. Is that how you say it? Andre. Yes. Okay. Good. We, we rehearsed it a couple of times. Welcome to the marriage after God podcast.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (01:14)
Andriyevsky. Close.

Thank you so much for having me.

Aaron Smith (01:24)
So ⁓ I don’t know if our audience knows who you are, but I’m sure there might be. A lot of moms know who you are because you have gotten really popular with helping moms, Christian moms specifically, with their anger. And that’s kind of what we’re gonna talk about today. But why don’t we start with who are you? What do you do? I wanna know about your family, your marriage, and we’ll slowly transition into stuff as we go on in the conversation.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (01:50)
Yes, so I’m Elizabeth. I’ve been married for almost 16 years. Our anniversary is coming up here in May. My husband and I have four kids ranging 13, 10, 8, and 3 and 1 So we have three boys and then a toddler girl who just wants to do everything her brothers are doing. so it’s.

Aaron Smith (02:12)
Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (02:13)
It’s a full house, lots of energy, lots of noise. We live in Northeast Florida in Jacksonville. We moved here a couple years ago. Yes, we moved here a couple years ago. We used to live in Minnesota. That’s where my husband and I met in a Russian Baptist church. ⁓ I was actually born in Latvia. And then when I was nine years old, my family migrated to United States, landed in Minnesota and

Aaron Smith (02:21)
I know Jacksonville. Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (02:40)
ended up going to a big Russian Baptist church over there and that’s how my husband and I met. And so, yes, yes. And when we were in the same youth group and he started to like me and pursue me and I was the girl that said, you know what, I’ll never marry this guy. And he was just so persistent and then God just softened my heart. And yeah, we’ve been married for almost 16 years.

Aaron Smith (02:46)
in Minnesota.

Hmm.

Amazing. You guys are in a very similar season. My wife and I have been married 18 years this last January, which blows my mind to think about. And our kids are all in that similar age range. were just talking about this. My oldest is going to be 12 soon. Our youngest is a little younger, six months old, but ⁓ that’s so cool. So you guys are living in Florida now. My wife and I lived in Florida for about a year near Jacksonville. We were in Space Coast, like… ⁓

where they launched the rockets. So I think we’re just south of Jacksonville, I believe, or north. can’t remember. Okay. So a bit of a difference. do guys like? Florida more than Minnesota?

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (03:39)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, that’s not too far away from here.

We do like the weather here because honestly, I would say from October through even like April and May, it’s absolutely gorgeous here. Obviously it gets really hot and humid in the summertime, but we spend so much more time outside. In Minnesota, we were cooped up inside for like half a year. It’s either too windy, too cold, too sleeky, too… It was just, it was hard in Minnesota and they’re still in like the forties over there right now.

Aaron Smith (03:51)
Yeah, warmer.

Mm-hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (04:18)
at this time of the year in April. And so I am so thankful. We really like the weather here. We honestly moved for the weather. That was the reason.

Aaron Smith (04:18)
Amen.

Yeah, Florida is awesome.

We have a lot of friends over there still. Yeah, here in central Oregon, we’re just now starting to see spring pop up. We’ve been outside, but we still could easily get snow. It happens. We had snow in May last year. yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (04:37)
Mm-hmm.

Yes, Minnesota would do that too. It would like give

you a few like warm days in the 70s. And it’s like, nope, back into the 30s. And then a snow day in like May. Yeah.

Aaron Smith (04:50)
Yeah, it just

is random. we’re hoping it sticks. I’m like, I never know when to turn my sprinklers on. I’m like, is it going to get cold again? But at least we get all the seasons. Florida gets two seasons, which is kind of nice. You get like wet and hot. ⁓ So you guys are in Florida. ⁓ You went from a Russian Baptist church. Did you guys find a nice Russian community, Russian church in Florida? Or are you guys going to a more non-Russian church?

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (05:02)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes.

They do have Russian

Baptist churches here, about 10 years ago, my husband and I switched to an American church. We used to go to John Piper’s old church in Minnesota. like right when we started going, he like stepped down and another pastor took over. So it was Bethlehem Baptist. And so when we moved here, we found a church that was really similar and aligned.

with the values of Bethlehem Baptist. And so we attend a a smaller local church here in Florida.

Aaron Smith (05:46)
a Baptist church, but it’s an American Baptist is what you said. Oh, cool. That’s awesome. Tell me a little bit about your marriage story. You guys met in the Russian Baptist Church. You’re from Latvia. He’s Russian. I have some experience with this because I have really good friends that are both Russian and they tell me about their backgrounds in the Russian church and their families also migrated over from Russia and over there. And so tell me a little bit about your story.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (05:48)
Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Aaron Smith (06:14)
meeting, getting married, and then I’m sure that’s going to transition into becoming a mother and then where you’re at today. So I’d love to know your marriage story and testimony.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (06:22)
Yes, I was

not expecting to talk about it, but that’s so fun to talk about it. So my husband and I, we knew each other since we were like teenagers. We were in the same youth group. We are we have that? Yes.

Aaron Smith (06:35)
Which is awesome by the way, and rare these days.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (06:37)
Yes, we hung out with the same group of friends. And then I was dating one guy in the youth group and things did not turn out and I ended up really heartbroken and was just completely devastated. You know, like your first love, everything falls apart. You feel like the world is ending. And then even through that time, my husband kept pursuing me and I enjoyed his attention just like any teenage girl would. But I just would kind of like…

Aaron Smith (07:02)
Mm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (07:05)
lean a little bit towards it, but then like, nope, nope, nothing’s ever gonna happen. Just because I was just hurt and I did not want to get hurt again. And my husband just kept being persistent and just consistently reaching out and trying to pursue me. And it got to a point where I told him that nothing’s gonna happen. If like, if he continues, nothing’s gonna happen. He either needs to

Aaron Smith (07:12)
Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (07:35)
Like if anything happens in our relationship, he needs to either go talk to my dad or like nothing is going to happen. And I really did not think he was serious enough to pursue my dad. We were both like 19 at that point. I honestly did not think he was going to actually pursue my dad. And he actually did. He went and talked to my dad. He talked to his parents and he went to talk to my parents. And since we already knew each other, we were in the same, you know, group of friends. ⁓

Aaron Smith (07:41)
Hmm

Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (08:04)
Like it wasn’t something that was, like I wasn’t scared to initiate an actual relationship with him, but it was kind of under wraps. We did not tell anybody. So we started to, he came to me and he’s like, I want you to pray about this, ⁓ about our relationship. And he’s like, if you say yes, and if, you know, we pursue this relationship, I don’t want to drag this out a long time. I’d like to get married in the spring. And this was like August.

Aaron Smith (08:10)
Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (08:33)
And I’m like thinking to myself, oh my gosh, like springtime, that’s crazy. But we already knew each other quite well, because we were in the same friend group. But I said, you know what, I really need time to pray. I can’t just like give you an answer. And he’s like, well, how much time do you need? I’m like, well, I at least need a month, like a minimum of a month to try to pray about it. you know, we prayed that day and then he left. And I went and I told my parents that he came and talked to me.

Aaron Smith (08:47)
Ha!

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (09:02)
⁓ And I started to pray over it. I started to pray for God to give me clarity if this is the guy that he meant for me. And one of the things that was really important to me was to have my parents support because I’ve just heard too many stories, maybe from my parents, how somebody would fall in love. They really want to get married and parents are like, hey, there’s a lot of red flags.

Aaron Smith (09:18)
Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (09:28)
maybe not the right person and they would just disregard that. So for me having my parents support was number one. And then having like, that would be like almost like a yes from God in my mind at that time. If my parents are supportive, that would be like a green flag for me that like that’s part of God’s will. And then the other part that was important to me is that he would be ⁓ a leader of our home, like a spiritual leader of our home and that our family would serve the

Aaron Smith (09:47)
Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (09:57)
serve the Lord and our youth leader was my husband’s mentor at that time. So a couple days later after my husband came to me I did reach out to the youth leader and I said hey, Yuri, my husband’s name is Yuri, he came to me and he wants to pursue a relationship and even marriage and I just want to know if he’s serious because I don’t want to mess around because I was just heartbroken. It’s been almost like a year since you know that other relationship ended.

Aaron Smith (10:22)
Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (10:26)
And the mentor said, yeah, he’s really serious about you. Like he wants his family to serve God. He wants God to be the center of his home. And for me, that is kind of like what I needed to hear. And even though at that time I did not have any feelings for him, like romantic feelings, after talking to my parents, after praying over it, after talking to my husband’s mentor, within days, I started to develop feelings for him.

And it just kind of like grew and just God kept opening more doors. His parents were really supportive. They knew my parents and, and I just started to fall in love with them. And that’s kind of like how it happened. And his birthday was a few weeks later and I sent him a card in the mail saying that I prayed and God answered my prayer. And then yes, I would like to pursue a relationship. And I’m not kidding you two weeks later, he proposed.

Aaron Smith (10:55)
Interesting.

Mm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (11:22)
But it wasn’t super crazy because we already knew each other. Yes. And he’s like, why wait so long? And so he knew that he wanted to marry me. He’s been praying over me for years. And so since we already knew each other, but we did not tell any of our friends that we were dating or like for the two weeks, like nobody knew. So when we got engaged, I came to church the next morning and I would like show my friends be, look, I’m engaged. And my friends would be like,

Aaron Smith (11:23)
man. You gave him the okay.

Mm.

And they’re like, what do mean you’re

engaged? You weren’t even with anyone.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (11:52)
Who are you engaged to? It was

the funnest thing ever. I kept a journal through that whole time and last year I reread that journal to my kids and it was super fun to just reread that story.

Aaron Smith (12:04)
Your story is so not normal these days. It’s just not how things are done anymore, which is so sad because what you just explained is so much more beautiful of a story of how people can get connected, like knowing each other from young age, families knowing each other, going to the same church. Man, I just wish that was more of the case these days. It’s something I’m desiring to develop in my family with the relationships and the closeness to the community that I have.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (12:08)
Mm-hmm.

Aaron Smith (12:32)
I just, I desire that for my kids, but, that’s really cool to hear. Was your family lifestyles similar? Cause I’ve, I’ve seen, we always have differences in the way where, you know, I was raised or my wife has raised. ⁓ how was your guys’s family lives, family relationships and, ⁓ faith where your, your parents, believers, and did they kind of raise you guys similarly? You guys come from large families also or?

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (12:58)
Yes, yes.

So my husband comes from a family of five. I come from, sorry, five kids and I come from a family of six kids. So we had similar family sizes, also financially kind of in the same, you know, circle. Both families migrated to United States the same year, just a couple months apart.

Aaron Smith (13:16)
wow,

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (13:18)
And so it was very

Aaron Smith (13:18)
that’s really cool.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (13:19)
similar. We worked in the same church, same belief system. So thankfully there wasn’t any tension there. My in-laws are still married. My parents are still married happily. And we get along really, really well. And my in-laws, thankfully, they took me in like their daughter. They’ve always treated me so well. And I am really blessed in that area.

Aaron Smith (13:37)
Mm.

Did you guys have, both of you guys and your parents and in your homes have really good examples like just for faith and being in the Word of God and prayer and all those things?

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (13:54)
So for my husband his parents yes, because his dad was on staff in church He was an elder at church and so and he organized a lot of kids camps and youth Ministries so his dad was like that and his mom is really great like a great supporter and in my home ⁓ my dad was more a little bit quiet and reserved and so And my mom it was really important for her to have devotions in our family, you know how

Aaron Smith (14:22)
Mm-hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (14:24)
I don’t know how maybe women reach out to you guys and say, what do I do if my husband is not a spiritual leader in the home? Which is probably a very common thing. And it’s not that my dad was against it. It was just not his, you know, like a strong thing. And so my mom would initiate like family devotions and she would ask if my dad would read. And sometimes he would, but oftentimes my mom would. And so in our family, it was my mom.

Aaron Smith (14:30)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (14:51)
you know, tended to be more of a spiritual leader in our home and the one that connected with all of us kids and checked in with us, like late at night, come to our room and ask how you’re doing. It was really important for my mom to have relationships. But overall, one of the things that I really appreciate about my parents, and I’ve told them this over the years, I say you were the same person at home as you were in public. Like the same people that

Aaron Smith (15:19)
Mm-hmm. Bad integrity. Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (15:21)
My parents

are in church, the way that they treat others, the way that they talk to people, they’re the same way at home. Like there isn’t that, you know, double life type of thing, not at all. And that is something that’s super valuable and important to me. And it’s a huge value of mine in relationships to have that authenticity and transparency. ⁓ yes. So that is something I really respect from my parents.

Aaron Smith (15:49)
That’s beautiful. it’s also, that’s a core value of my mind and my wife’s life in ministry, not just what we do online or with our books or podcasts, but in just in real life, we, we try not to be our desires to be the same person at home as we are with others. And, ⁓ sometimes that’s good. Sometimes that’s bad, but, that’s that’s a beautiful thing. think it’s more, more believers need to think that way and say, I don’t need it. I’m not my, my job isn’t to put on a mask for.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (16:09)
you

Aaron Smith (16:19)
outsiders and then show like a certain way. As I used to say to my wife and I like, we got to show our kids and our home the best versions of us, not the worst versions of us and show our best versions to other people. Because that sometimes is what happens. We show our best versions to other people outside the home and then, you know, our closest family get the worst parts of us. So which leads me to this question about well, I actually want to take a step back. Do you feel like what you’re describing about you with your dad?

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (16:32)
Mm-hmm.

Aaron Smith (16:48)
I don’t want to get too deep into stuff, but ⁓ him maybe not spiritual leading is as strong as he could have, or it wasn’t built into him or something. Maybe it was never exemplified for him. And your mom, did that influence you as you stepped into marriage? Because you mentioned, I desired my husband to be a spiritual leader, ⁓ which I believe all wives do. But do you feel like what you experienced, what you saw played into ⁓ an expectation you had?

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (16:49)
Thank

Aaron Smith (17:16)
as you stepped into marriage and how did that kind of play out?

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (17:20)
yeah, for sure. Having that expectation. And that was really important to me. And honestly, in the beginning, he was he was great. He was initiating reading the Bible and praying together, probably the first year of marriage. Honestly, our first year of marriage was really smooth, even though it’s like, you know, for the first time, we’re living together. But it went really smooth.

Aaron Smith (17:28)
and

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (17:42)
And then as like life happened and things started to happen and stressful situations happened, challenging things in life where you’re like, why is God doing this to me, right? ⁓ So my husband has shifted a little bit out of that and there were a lot of frustrating years, but I remember sharing that with my mom and just feeling very discouraged and ⁓ even like hearing sermons on it and

Aaron Smith (17:53)
Mm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (18:11)
And you can, what I learned from that is you can, you know, pray over it. That’s step one for God to ⁓ lead your husband to be the spiritual leader. You can encourage him and be like, Hey, babe, do you want to read the Bible with us together tonight? And if he says no, well, then you do it. Like there’s nothing wrong with you as a wife doing it and as a mother to the kids. And that’s kind of what it was for a while. And then actually,

Aaron Smith (18:31)
Mm-hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (18:38)
Um, we had a conversation with my husband probably like in December and, and we were talking about consistency and he’s like, I want to be more consistent. Just, want to develop that, you know, character quality. And one of the things that he started to be more consistent is to read the Bible with us. And we got one of those, uh, one, one year Bible where it has like Old Testament, New Testament, a little bit of Proverbs and Psalms.

Aaron Smith (18:50)
Hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (19:08)
And so honestly, that started this January and that probably has been one of the most consistent seasons where my husband is consistently ⁓ reading the Bible with our family. And the best time that works for our family is dinner time. And why I say that is because everybody’s sitting at the table and you know how kids take forever to eat. And as a parent, know, dads usually eat pretty quickly and then you’re sitting there trying to get all the kids to eat while

Aaron Smith (19:24)
It’s a good time, yeah.

Mm hmm.

Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (19:37)
my husband will eat quickly and then he will start reading the Bible where the rest of the kids are still eating. And so for us, yes, for us that happened. And because then, you know, usually when you sit down and do devotions later in the evening and you have, especially boys, they have a really hard time sitting still. Somebody’s upside down. Someone’s bothering another one. Someone’s making a sound. And it’s like, you’re trying to do the right thing. You’re trying to read the Bible. And it’s so challenging.

Aaron Smith (19:43)
That’s a clever time to do it.

and

Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (20:06)
Right?

Because the kids are having a hard time. And so that has worked well for us. But honestly, praying over my husband for him to initiate that. And if he chooses not to, what what do I choose to do in that moment? Because really, when I stand in front of the Lord, I’m going to be responsible for my actions, not his. And that’s something that we can even talk a little bit, even though he says no.

Aaron Smith (20:30)
Yep.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (20:34)
to do the devotions, I will blank. Like what will I choose to do? Because I’m responsible for my own actions in front of the Lord. And so for a while it was just me initiating and reading the Bible with the kids and praying at night with them.

Aaron Smith (20:39)
Hmm. Yeah.

I mean, I can relate being a husband. I know there’s been seasons that I’m really consistent in family Bible times and ⁓ discipleship and just doing the spiritual leadership in the home. And then there’s seasons with work stuff being harder, relational stuff in the church being harder, ⁓ marriage stuff being hard, like all sorts of things that just pile up and ⁓ life gets in the way.

not as an excuse, but I just understand the ebbs and flows of a feel like there’s seasons that it feels easy and then season is just feels like impossible. So I can understand and relate to your husband and going through those ebbs and flows. And, it’s really cool knowing that along the way, my wife encourages me and prays for me and is patient with me and doesn’t stop, you know, when she, she can, she’s continuing to.

teach the children and show the children and exemplify for the children. so it is a really cool thing knowing that we’re a team and it’s not just her doing it or not just me doing it, but we’re doing it together. And, ⁓ and in those seasons that I’m, I’m lacking, she, like I said, she takes up the slack, but then she’s also coming to me and like, I’ve noticed this. How can we get back on track? How can we, you know, ⁓ get more consistent and, encouraging me along the way and being what, what God made her to be a helper.

someone who’s helping me be a better spiritual leader in my home, ⁓ not forcing me, not nagging me, not attacking me, but like lovingly nudging me along and saying, hey, here’s an area that I think you can, something she just recently encouraged me to do, which I thought was awesome, is on Monday mornings picking one of the kids to take up to my office and have a discipleship time, just like 15 minutes, read the Bible, yeah, talking to them about.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (22:41)
Yes, I was listening that to you on your show you guys were talking about that

Aaron Smith (22:46)
just, you know, something that maybe that they’re struggling with and then going to the word of God and saying, you know, what does the word of God say about that? And then praying with them. And that was her idea. And it was a beautiful thing. And we’ve been doing it ever since, you know, bringing up one of the kids on Monday mornings. And it’s such a cool thing. And then just recently, she’s like, she’s like, Erin, I, I think I need time like that, too. So I want to be able to, because we’re to talk about anger and, you got moms, especially, I don’t know if you homeschool, I think you might.

No, okay. Well, my wife does. ⁓ But either way, there’s just so much pressure and so much weight and so much responsibility on mothers. ⁓ She’s like, hey, all day I’m teaching, all day I’m correcting, all day I’m doing all these things. I’d like a moment where I’m not doing any of those things and I’m just sitting with my son or daughter to enjoy them and talk to them and to, not necessarily a discipleship time, but a one-on-one

Just be with time and she’s like I need that and so like let’s figure that out. was like, that’s a good idea. We should figure that out. So That’s something we’re going to start implementing here shortly So let’s talk about your main ministry anger. This is like it’s it’s not everyone’s forte to kind of pick this one emotion, which is a very big emotion And tackle it in their life. So why don’t you walk us through? Why don’t you go back to like that moment when you’re like, I need to

figure something out with this and what did God do to kind of highlight that for you?

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (24:21)
Yes, thanks for asking. So I didn’t think I had any anger issues until I had kids and I had multiple kids. I was a really patient person and then I had kids and it just, yes, yes. And it completely changed. And I think it was when I already had three kids. and my third one was a toddler.

Aaron Smith (24:28)
Isn’t that interesting? That’s so interesting. Yeah. The most patient. Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (24:45)
My husband was working a lot of hours and he was a little curious George getting into everything and I felt like all day long I could not just mentally even get a little break because I had to keep my eyes on him all the time. He would get into something if I didn’t and what I noticed is just I was constantly reacting as a mom. I was raising my voice all the time. I always started to be harsh with my kids, know, like yanking them and

Aaron Smith (24:47)
Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (25:12)
⁓ just being rough and unkind and just the sides of me started to come out that I really did not like. And then I would feel really upset and frustrated with myself, how I handle the situation. And he started to, he would have a meltdown and I would just kind of join him in the meltdown instead of being that safe, grounded, calm presence in the home. I would get pulled into that and.

Aaron Smith (25:36)
Mm-hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (25:39)
I was really honestly shocked and surprised. I did not think I would have these issues because I never remember my mom having problems with that. And she would share like, would get frustrated with you guys. my mom was not somebody she was an extrovert and I was an introvert. She didn’t need alone time. And I really needed alone time. And I did not know that about myself at that time. And I was just constantly feeling very depleted. And I didn’t have any emotional capacity.

And I didn’t spend time in the ward regularly. I was just getting up at the last minute, even though my kids slept through the night at that time. And so I was constantly really like in a stressed out state and I didn’t have much capacity for when my kids didn’t do what I wanted them to do, when I needed to discipline them, when I needed to correct. And I think the biggest eye-opening situation was for me is when I started to spank my kids in rage. When I felt…

Aaron Smith (26:35)
Mm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (26:38)
so frustrated and so angry and out of control, I tried to get the control back by hurting my kids. And I was spanking them because they were hurting their sibling, telling them not to, you know, hurt their kids and their sibling in frustration and anger. And here I was in out of control rage spanking them. And so that was which biblically like the Bible

And I don’t want to go into the topic of spanking, but like the Bible does teach on it. And when you’re out of control and you are in rage and you’re taking your wrath out on the child, that’s wrong. That’s sinful and that’s wrong. And that’s when it was very eye-opening to me that this is wrong. This is not okay. And I did share some of that with a mentor and she did recommend for me to go seek help.

Aaron Smith (27:18)
Mm-hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (27:32)
and that’s kind of where my journey started. started to seek help. Actually, I went to counseling to fix my toddler. That was the initial kind of, you know, step that I took. But really what happened is I needed to work on myself and my own regulation and my own learning to take my thoughts captive and learning ways to connect with God first and then asking God to shift my perspective, shift my attitude.

Aaron Smith (27:33)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (28:02)
and work on myself instead of trying to fix my kids.

Aaron Smith (28:06)
Yeah, the verse I was thinking of when you were saying that is Ephesians 426, be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down in your anger. just this idea of like anger is going to… the emotion of anger and also the posture of anger, like there is reasons to be angry. Like, oh, what you did is dangerous or you’ve hurt someone and that’s not good. God gets angry, but we’re also told to walk in the fruits of the spirit, which is self-control.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (28:24)
Mm-hmm.

Aaron Smith (28:35)
I think every parent can relate to not having self-control at times when it comes to our anger. And so you’re saying, you’re in this season, had three children, had number three, barely a toddler. And what’s funny is the moment you mentioned it, you realize this at baby number three, I was realizing and thinking that was the hardest season of our marriage also. Or parenting, I should say. That number three was

The hardest transition in our parenting journey. Now everyone, every transition has been difficult on different levels, but number three specifically challenged our flesh in more ways than we ever could imagine. It was so difficult. Like you have, they’re all little, they all need everything done for them. know, half of them are still in diapers. They need them, they need dressed, they need to be fed, they need all these things, and they can’t do almost anything on their own. And that’s a lot.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (29:31)
Thank

Aaron Smith (29:34)
You only have two hands and you got three babies. So it makes perfect sense that that was the season that you’re like, you’re getting confronted with this weakness in your flesh, which is exactly what God does, not just in marriage, but with our children and with all of our relationships is our flesh gets challenged to the brink because like God’s intention is to, he wants our flesh to be put to death. Right. So you went to go get counseling originally to see if there was something that could be done with your toddler. Cause you

probably felt crazy, probably felt like you couldn’t figure out the correct solution, because what you were doing wasn’t fixing anything, it was only making things worse. And then you end up getting some counseling for yourself. ⁓ What was some of the things that you’re finding out about this? You mentioned time, you mentioned getting into the word, imagining a lot of these things. ⁓ You mentioned getting up at the last minute. So tell me, what were some of the things that you started?

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (30:29)
Mm-hmm.

Aaron Smith (30:32)
realizing about yourself that was resulting in these outbursts of anger.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (30:39)
Yeah, so counseling was great and I really enjoyed it and I got a lot of practical tools for in the moment when my kids are having big feelings, how to stay calm. The problem was is when I felt triggered and the moment came, I would go back to my old ways of reacting. And the reason is because I didn’t have the capacity. And around the same time, probably a couple months after I was in counseling,

A friend of mine introduced me to a mom influencer and she was selling a course about, ⁓ it was called Unburden, it was about structuring your days as a mom and creating a schedule and routine that supports you. And one of the biggest things was having a morning routine and spending time in the word and journaling and moving your body. And those were really huge. So I had no excuse.

not to get up before my kids because my kids were young. went to sleep before 8 p.m. and they slept till 7. And so I had no excuse. And the other part was I needed to set phone boundaries and limits and actually delete social media. So I wouldn’t spend time scrolling and then I would go to sleep at a reasonable time, get up early and use that time to spend time with the Lord. I would journal and there were specific journaling prompts.

Aaron Smith (31:42)
Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (32:03)
and then I would move my body. So by the time my kids woke up, I already filled my bucket and I felt really replenished and restored as a mom. And I had the capacity to handle things when they weren’t going exactly the way that I wanted them to go. Instead of being an eight out of 10 when I woke up, I was a one out of 10. So even when something wasn’t going my way, that was

Aaron Smith (32:10)
Hmm.

.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (32:31)
I had the capacity for it because I wasn’t feeling so stressed out, stretched so thin, and completely depleted. So that’s like one of the practical huge things that made a difference for me. And then the other part thing was I worked a lot on my thoughts and taking my thoughts captive. Because if you think negative thoughts about your kids, about their behavior, about circumstances, you feel negative feelings.

Aaron Smith (32:50)
Hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (32:59)
And then negative thoughts plus negative feelings equals a negative attitude. And then you have negative behavior. And so learning how to recognize my negative thoughts, taking them captive, focusing on what’s true, what is praiseworthy, what is honorable. And then

Aaron Smith (33:04)
Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (33:17)
taking those thoughts and redirecting them to what the truth is and that changes how you feel in the situation and changes how you handle the situation. And if you want to, can give you several examples exactly what that looks like.

Aaron Smith (33:30)
Sure.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (33:31)
Yeah. Yeah. So since this is a marriage podcast, I can give you an example about marriage, that ⁓ an attitude. So I remember this was probably a few months ago, I had my morning time and I was sitting there and I was heading my morning devotions and my husband woke up and he’s like, Hey, babe, can you make me some coffee? And we have one of those espresso machine coffees.

Aaron Smith (33:57)
Mm We have one too, Love it. ⁓

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (33:57)
You know that, you know, yeah. So it takes like, you know, like about five minutes

to make a cup of coffee. And my thought is like, my gosh, he’s interrupting my morning routine. I don’t have time for this. I don’t want it. Like that’s my initial thought. So how do I feel in that moment? I feel kind of frustrated, right? A little bit agitated that like, Hey, I thought my morning is going to go like this. And now you’re interrupting my morning. That was my thought.

Aaron Smith (34:10)
⁓ Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (34:26)
And so I caught my thought and I’m like, wait, this thought is not serving me. Like if I focus on this, this is not gonna end up well. I would probably still make the coffee and serve it, but with a little bit of attitude. And I don’t wanna be like that towards my husband. I recognize that thought and I’m like, hold on. This is my chance to be loving and kind to my husband and do something that makes him feel loved.

Aaron Smith (34:41)
Hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (34:57)
I have time for this and I can make time for this. And so when I was able to redirect my thoughts to that, I felt so much more at peace and calm and I was able to make that coffee and serve it to him and present it in the way that was aligned with who God was calling me to be a loving and kind wife instead of a wife that has an attitude. Like there’s still like, right, you can make, you can do the act, but

how you present it is also like matters, right? And ⁓ so that is like a practical example how thoughts can affect your feelings and your actions like in marriage. ⁓ Another example is when you are getting out the door with the kids and you look at, my, yes, yes, you look at the time and you’re like, my goodness, we’re going to be late. And then you have a kiddo.

Aaron Smith (35:48)
this is like the easiest part of the day.

Yep, every time.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (35:56)
that

cannot find his shoe or the sock does not fit just right and they’re having their moment and you look at the clock you’re like my gosh this is wasting my time that’s my initial thought this is wasting my time i don’t have time for this he’s making us late and then i feel frazzled frustrated and agitated and then i want like my natural tendency my simple tendency is to want to be rough with my child

Aaron Smith (36:01)
Yeah.

Hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (36:24)
to yank him, be like, you know what, I don’t care, just get in the car and let’s go. That is my natural sinful tendency that wants to come out. And so this is a perspective shift that I teach my clients too, because this comes up a lot with moms trying to get out the door. And the perspective shift is how I handle this is more important than us getting out the door and getting there. Unless you know you’re literally

missing a flight most of the time it’s okay that you’re yeah you’re a couple minutes behind it’s totally fine right and so telling your mind in that moment wait these thoughts are creating frustration pause take a breath jesus please help me in this moment how i handle this is more important than us getting out the door in the next couple minutes because really like 10 years from today 15 20 years from today

Aaron Smith (36:56)
It’s rarely, yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (37:22)
Maybe your kids will not remember all the tiny little things that you said and did, but they will remember how their home felt. If their mom was constantly yelling at them, if she was constantly frustrated, agitated, annoyed, if she was constantly negative. And so that is one of the like practical ways that I really work with the mamas to redirect their thoughts to what does really matter in this moment. How to take your thought captive.

Aaron Smith (37:30)
Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (37:50)
how to redirect it and how that affects the way that you handle the rest of the situation.

Aaron Smith (37:57)
That’s really good. The redirecting thoughts, of course, like this is what the Bible teaches us. We should take every thought captive into the peace of Christ. the thoughts that come in often when we dwell on them, when we entertain them, then they come out of our mouths. Like you said, you’re like, don’t have time for this. I’m just thinking about how many times I’ve said that out loud. Like, I don’t have time for this. Like, why aren’t you ready? Those feelings of

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (38:13)
Mm-hmm.

Aaron Smith (38:25)
being inconvenienced by our children. Again, we have a perspective. I need to be this on time, things need to go this way. And so have an expectation that is unspoken. It’s sometimes unreasonable often. ⁓ Or I didn’t spend the time to make sure that that expectation could be met reasonably, like making sure there’s margin, making sure that

The kids have been, I’m helping them get ready sooner rather than the last minute and expecting them, oh, you should have known we’re leaving. Why aren’t you ready? Which no kid ever does. No child ever thinks to themselves, I have this appointment coming up. And so it sounds like one of these practical steps just spiritually is a practicing of taking thoughts captive of when these things come up, thinking through them spiritually.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (39:09)
Mm-hmm.

Aaron Smith (39:24)
Prayerfully before letting them kind of exist and accepting them and then letting them come out ⁓ But I would imagine I mean, I know how I am. I know how my wife is I know how the way you’re explaining often a lot of these things are like you said reactionary It’s not necessarily that I’m thinking Fully, you know soberly in the moment. It’s just kind of happening

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (39:51)
Mm-hmm.

Aaron Smith (39:51)
I’m planning

on moving. was in a good mood and this thing happens and it’s like, what’s happening? So how do we, how does a believer practically walk in a different way so that those reactions are different? Because we can’t necessarily fix it perfectly in the moment. The reaction just happens because of a way we already are, because of a way we’ve already allowed ourselves to exist, because of a wrong way of thinking.

Previously to this these patterns that we built up in our lives and that that allow these behaviors to exist and come out Not that again. It’s not an excuse for the reaction But how do we practice better? Before the situation that usually causes the reaction the trigger as you brought up

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (40:31)
Yes. my gosh, that’s such a great question. There is a book called Triggers. It’s a Christian book by Amber Leah and Wendy Speak, and they have a phrase in there. Figure out what you mean to say before you say something mean. And that is really good. And I love that phrase. So here’s a really, really practical way how I help the women that I work with. So one of the first things when they join my coaching program,

Aaron Smith (40:47)
Hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (41:00)
I have them ponder and reflect on what kind of mom God is calling them to be in this season in life that they’re in. And we pick three to four character qualities that what kind of mom God is calling them to be. And that could be lighthearted, it could be playful, it could be intentional, it could be understanding, it could be compassionate, it’d be soft, tender, gentle, nurturing. What are the character qualities?

If we look like, if we think of Jesus and the way that he was with the kids and kids were drawn towards him, he was obviously gentle and tender and lighthearted and playful with them. That’s why they were drawn towards him, right? He was understanding towards them. And so when we think of what kind of character qualities is God calling me to focus on in this season in life? And so we pick about three terms. Let’s say we have playful, ⁓

Aaron Smith (41:36)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (41:59)
compassionate and curious. Curious is a really good one because curiosity and anger cannot coexist if you’re curious about someone’s behavior and not gonna be angry about it because your brain hasn’t figured out yet the conclusion and did not make a judgment yet. so curiosity is a really wonderful, so playful, curious and compassionate. And so one of the things that I have moms do is pick a scenario that happens often that feels triggering to them and

Aaron Smith (42:10)
Mm-hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (42:29)
I challenge them to think from a perspective of a mom who’s curious, playful, and compassionate, and you role play or you kind of like write a vision of how you want to handle it as that type of mom. So for example, as we’re getting out the door and I’m choosing to be playful, I’m choosing to be compassionate and curious with my kids, that’s my I am statement. And I would write in my vision,

When we try to get out the door and I tell my kids it’s time to get to the car and my son cannot find his shoes. I get down onto his level and I look into his eyes and say, Hey buddy, how can I help you? Because usually you have automatic ways of reacting. And this is like a practical way to what am I going to think, and do in the triggering moments. And by doing that and practicing writing out that vision step by step,

⁓ Very detailed what you’re gonna think say and do to your kids in a positive God honoring way It literally rewires your brain that when that hard moment comes your brain is like, wait We practice this on paper because we write it in present tense and it’s all positive Like how I pause like we don’t write anything like I don’t feel frustrated. I don’t feel agitated No, I feel calm. I feel grounded. I feel centered. I pray to God

Aaron Smith (43:41)
Mm.

Right.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (43:58)
You know, you write down the prayer that you’re gonna say and how you’re handling it in a positive way. So when the moment comes, it is so much easier to implement it. And the practice only takes about five minutes. It doesn’t take long. It’s like part of their morning routine that I have my moms do. It is so game changing. Literally within like days, I’m not even kidding, you will notice a massive significant change in how you’re handling that specific triggering moment.

Aaron Smith (44:22)
Mm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (44:26)
And you keep writing about the same triggering scenario until that becomes your new automatic. And then you move on to a different scenario. Let’s say you have kids. One of my clients, I love this example. She has a toddler that was like two years old and loved to buckle by herself. And every time they would get in the car, she would just fight with her toddler constantly. And they had the time. She just would argue with her toddler like, no, I’m buckling, because she didn’t think she could do it.

Aaron Smith (44:32)
Hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (44:55)
And it would create so much tension. The toddler’s screaming, mom gets in the car feeling super frustrated, agitated, and feeling really crummy about how she handled the situation. And so we had her do that vision writing where she would allow her toddler get in the car seat and she would tell her mind, I can make time for this. I have time for this, which she did. I can wait. Instead of I don’t have time for this. You I can’t wait. Like you tell your mind, I can wait.

Aaron Smith (45:19)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (45:25)
I have time for this. The way I handle this is more important than us leaving the house in the next couple minutes. And seriously, she told me like two days later, she’s like, I have been able to handle that situation so much better, because she was able to practice on paper what she’s going to think, and do. And that was like, and she was able to implement it in the heat of the moment. So that’s like a really practical thing that really it’s

writing down on paper slows your brain down. It forces your brain to slow down because you can’t write really fast, right? And ⁓ it rewires your brain and then in the heat of the moment you’re able to remember that. So it’s a really neat thing.

Aaron Smith (46:01)
Yeah.

That’s awesome. Have you ever heard of visualization? A lot of sports, extreme sports people use visualization. You’re essentially, you’re taking this idea of like how you would train your brain to do a backflip when it’s never done it before. You’re visualizing yourself doing it over and over again inside your head, which then teaches your brain like, I’ve been upside down before. So when you go to do it the first time, the brain thinks it’s done it thousand times.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (46:16)
Yes, yes.

Mm-hmm.

Aaron Smith (46:37)
And so it’s that much easier. you’re essentially saying you’re visualizing how you would behave in certain triggering moments to help retrain yourself because in those moments, it’s really hard to retrain yourself. You can’t. Yeah. Yeah.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (46:50)
Yeah, you can’t because you feel triggered. You feel triggered

and the part of the brain that helps you think clearly and problem-solve gets turned off. So that’s why you go back to your old ways that are automatic, that are poor. And also, I mean, the part of it is also our sinful nature. So this is like a really practical thing that people can start doing.

Aaron Smith (47:02)
Mm-hmm.

What do you say? Because like, let’s, my wife, I, you, we work on something, we are like, we’re going to change. This way of being is bad, good, not good. We don’t like it. We know God wants us to be different. And we start wanting to change. And then we mess up. We revert. We go back. ⁓ A lot of people, most people, we feel shameful. We feel guilty. Rightfully often. It’s like, I shouldn’t have done that. What’s a better biblical

response in those moments so that we don’t beat ourselves into compliance. Like we don’t beat ourselves down so that we never change because feeling like a failure and staying a failure, then you don’t change. There’s got to be a better way, right?

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (47:58)
Yes, so this is how I see it because Jesus is very compassionate, right? And he’s very understanding in the sense that when we do mess up, he’s not beating us over the head. Be a look at you. You messed up. You’re a terrible parent. And so how I imagine it is Jesus coming next to me and giving me a side hug and sitting down with me.

and saying, I know this feels hard. You were doing the best that you could at that time. Like, if you think about it, we do our best to our mental and physical capacity at that time, in that moment. Like, that’s why we reacted in that way. And so what I mean by that is, like, ⁓

Maybe today your stress levels are so much more, right? Then and tomorrow they’re less and tomorrow you can handle more. But today the capacity is different. And so you ask yourself what was going on that I reacted this way instead of what’s wrong with me. I’m such a terrible mom. I’m such a terrible parent. What was going on that led up to this? we had this. We were over scheduled. We were over committed. You know, I did not eat.

Aaron Smith (49:04)
Mm-hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (49:09)
You know, we were sleep deprived. We were rushing like, oh, okay, this makes sense. That is why I overreacted. Still need to apologize. Still need to take ownership. You know, still need to repair the relationship. And when you’re curious about what happened, there isn’t that judgment and shame like it normally would be. It’s like, oh, I wonder what was going on. Oh, this is what happened. You can reflect on it. Okay, next time.

Aaron Smith (49:20)
Mm-hmm.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (49:38)
we can do this and this differently because there’s convicting guilt, which is from the Lord. Like when you actually do something wrong, right? Like when I would use to spank my kids out of rage and anger, like, yes, there’s the shame from the enemy and there was convicting guilt from the Lord because that was wrong and I needed to change my behavior and conviction is actually a good thing. It leads us to make changes. Shame is what makes us want to hide and not tell anyone.

Aaron Smith (49:44)
⁓ Yep.

you

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (50:06)
But when we’re curious about our behavior, we’re able to be compassionate and understanding instead of like ⁓ shaming ourselves and ⁓ judging ourselves and saying a lot of negative self-talk.

Aaron Smith (50:06)
Yeah.

Yeah, which doesn’t produce godly repentance. It just produces death, the Bible says. When we have worldly sorrow versus godly sorrow, we want the godly sorrow, which it sounds like not only do we need to practice visualizing new responses in those triggering moments, which is a good thing for all of us to practice in lots of things. How am I going to respond differently next time when my son frustrates me in this way? Or does this thing like this?

But then also how to practicing responding to our sin differently instead of self shaming and worldly sorrow, actually listening to the Holy Spirit, actually running into the arms of our savior who has died for those sins, forgives us of those sins and ask him to transform us. As the Bible says, being transformed by the renewing of our minds. We need to change this thing up here. And it sounds so easy out loud. It was like, yeah, like, of course.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (51:04)
Mm-hmm.

Aaron Smith (51:18)
That’s all you got to do. But really it’s a lifetime of sanctification, practicing righteousness, as 1 John says, is what makes us righteous. It’s not just being righteous right now in this perfect moment. It’s practicing. it’s like tomorrow I’m going to try and be closer to Jesus. Tomorrow I’m going to try and think better, have more of God’s word on my heart and mind so that it starts to overflow out of me rather than the lies that I’ve believed, the shame that I’ve walked in, the weakness of my flesh.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (51:47)
Mm-hmm.

Aaron Smith (51:48)
What would be, as we close, just one more encouragement you want to give to all the moms. We have a lot of moms that listen to our show. How would you want to encourage them today?

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (51:56)
My encouragement is that there’s hope for you for transformation. If you are a mom who struggles with constant anger, where you find yourself yelling at your kids a lot, reacting in sinful destructive ways, you’re one way in church with your kids in a completely different.

person behind closed doors, I just want to encourage you and tell you that God can transform your life. ⁓ It is possible with his help, it is possible to completely change that and the enemy wants to tell you that you’re stuck, that you’re never going to change and that is a lie and there’s hope for you. I promise you. Yeah.

Aaron Smith (52:32)
yeah.

Amen.

Elizabeth, thank you so much for the time that you gave us and the encouragement to the moms. But it’s also encouraging me because like the principles that you’re saying are not just for moms. I’m a dad. I have six kids and I can be triggered. ⁓ We all have our triggers. so surrendering to the Lord, surrendering to the Word of God, surrendering to the Holy Spirit in those moments and also those practical ways of retraining the way we think. I think those are all really good things for us as dads.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (52:53)
Mm-hmm.

Aaron Smith (53:07)
and for moms and so I really appreciate that and I just thank you for being on our show. Where can people find you?

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (53:12)
Thank you very much. I spend most time on my podcast. I have a podcast called Emotionally Healthy Legacy. So that is where you can find me. Yes. And I have a great training for you, for your listeners. If you go to endmomshame.com, there is a free training about five steps to break free from mom rage shame. So when you had a really hard episodes with your kids and you’re consumed with shame and remorse, what is a godly way to

Aaron Smith (53:20)
Love the name.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (53:41)
get out of that spiral. So if you want to watch that training, but my podcast, emotionally healthy legacy.com. sorry, emotionally healthy legacy. And the website is emotionally healthy legacy.com.

Aaron Smith (53:47)
Awesome.

Amazing. Thank you so much, Elizabeth. And I just pray that you continue to bless moms all over the world.

Elizabeth Andreyevskiy (53:57)
Thank you so much.