An Open Letter To Friends Who Care More About My Marriage Than Our Friendship

friend-who-careDear Friends,

You know who you are.

You are the ones who have cared more about my marriage, than our friendship. You put yourself on the line. You took a risk to say something that could have been refused or received. You didn’t know how it would turn out or if our friendship would end altogether. You said it anyways.

My husband and I are constantly interacting with each other, and many times those interactions have taken place right in front of you.

I am not proud of the way I have behaved, responding in selfishness, in an unpleasant, disrespectful sort of way. I have responded in bickering. I have responded in hurt. I have played the silent game. I have rolled my eyes, I have pushed back, I have belittled my husband right in front of you and others.

My husband knows he has made some mistakes along the way too. Pride, selfishness, frustration, anger, hurt, all motivators in the way he has treated me in the presence of you and others.

Despite the lack of love we have reflected in our marriage at times, you knew our marriage had purpose. You knew we were capable of loving well and treating each other better.

You took the risk. Because you love us. Because you care more about our marriage than you do about what we think of you, or how we could react in that moment of confrontation. To you we were worth it. Our marriage was worth it. And in an era where it doesn’t take much to offend people, mind you. I am taking note of that too.

You are bold, my friend.

You looked us in the eye with a mixture compassion and seriousness and rebuke, challenging us time and time again….

To cherish each other

To speak kindly to each other

To stop bickering

To believe in our purpose

To remember we are one

To play on the same team

To be honest with each other

To not let our bad attitudes ruin the rest of the day

To affirm each other

To pray for each other

To love her like Christ and to respect and submit to him

To remember we are image bearers of God Almighty

To embrace the pleasure God designed in marriage

To initiate more often

To confess our sin to each other

To pursue peace and seek reconciliation

To stay close in community with other believers

To be honest with you when we need help

To say I’m sorry and I forgive you

To rely on God for everything

You told us to walk in victory. You helped my husband break free from an addiction to pornography. You helped me learn forgiveness and grace. You encouraged us to be healthy and make wise lifestyle choices. You inspired us in business and assured us we could do it.

You have stepped into our chaos, knowing that proximity to our crazy could hurt you. You chose to step in anyways, during the hardest and rawest moments in our marriage. You were used by God to save us, to save our marriage, to mature us, to love us, to be ambassadors of the Gospel living out God’s love with your voice, your eye contact, your hugs of comfort, your laughter, and every other way you chose to love us.

Thank you for taking the risk. Thank you for saying the hard stuff. Thank you for letting us know what you saw and confidently revealing what you know we could be, the marriage that we could have. Thank you for choosing love, no matter what the outcome could have been. Thank you for believing we were worth it. Thank you for being a true friend.

Our marriage is what it is today, because of you. We are friends in marriage because you taught us how to be good friends, best of friends. We pray that we can be that kind of friend to all those who God puts in our lives, with your bravery spurring ours.  

You will forever be our friend.

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