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Leann and her husband Mike have been married almost 38 years. But somewhere around year fifteen, their marriage nearly ended. There was infidelity. And most of the counsel she received — even from Christian counselors — pointed toward walking away.
She stayed. They both did. And what carried them through is something the church often doesn’t talk about clearly enough: forgiveness doesn’t wait for the other person to change first.
Forgiveness Comes First — That’s the Point
Leann shared that she was sitting in the corner of a closet, sobbing, asking God how her husband could do what he did. And then she heard something she wasn’t expecting. A quiet reference to Judas — “Would you betray me with a kiss?” — and the immediate sense that Jesus wasn’t just identifying with her pain. He was telling her He’d been there too.
That moment reframed everything. If Jesus forgave the whole world for all sin before any of us ever repented, who was she to withhold that same forgiveness from her husband?
The word forgiveness, she pointed out, carries that syllable for — as in before. Forgiveness happens first. It’s not earned. It’s extended.
This is where a lot of people get tripped up. They hear “forgive” and think “reconcile.” But those are two different things. Forgiveness takes one person. Reconciliation takes two. And the hard truth is, when we withhold forgiveness, we’re essentially claiming a right that Jesus never claimed for Himself. The sin done against us was already forgiven on the cross. Holding onto it puts us above Christ.
In Matthew 18 the parable of the servant forgiven an unpayable debt who then went out and went after a man who owed him a few coins. Leann put it simply: “How could I turn around and be that servant?”
The Letters That Became Two Books
Years later, when Leann’s oldest son came home and told her he’d found the woman he wanted to marry, she almost had a panic attack. Not out of sadness — out of conviction. Have we prepared him for this?
She started writing him letters. Twenty-one of them. Bound them at Staples, put them in a leather journal, and told him to read one a day in the month before his wedding.
Those letters — and a companion set written for his future sister-in-law when his younger brother got engaged — eventually became Becoming a Husband and Becoming a Wife, published through Focus on the Family. They cover everything from keeping Jesus at the center, to cutting the apron strings with parents, to how to fight for your spouse instead of against them.
What makes these books different is that Leann’s own story is in them. Not as a cautionary tale, but as proof. Before publishing them, the editor asked her to put the hard part in — the season she’d never even told her own sons about. She did. And before the book came out, she and Mike sat down and told their sons the whole story.
This interview was a powerful reminder that no matter how dark or deep the place you’re in, you have a God who is for you..
If you’re preparing for marriage, walking through a hard season in your marriage, or raising kids you want to set up well — Becoming a Husband and Becoming a Wife are a great resource.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” — Romans 8:28
Episode Summary
Episode Outline:
Host:
Aaron Smith (Marriage After God)
Guest:
Leann Murphy, author of Becoming a Husband and Becoming a Wife (Focus on the Family)
Focus:
How a covenant with God carries a marriage through infidelity, hardship, and 38 years — and the letters Leann wrote her sons that became two published books
Introduction
Aaron opens around the rarity and value of hearing from couples who have gone the distance. Leann introduces herself, her husband Mike, their two married sons, three grandsons, and the property on an oxbow of the Red River in Louisiana that God gave them in the same season Mike was healed of cancer.
Key Themes
A covenant with God, not just a vow to each other
- Why Leann believes she and Mike are still married: their commitment was to God, not just each other.
- When happiness drives a marriage, the marriage is already at risk.
- The couple’s decision to stay at year fifteen — against most of the counsel they received.
Surviving infidelity and finding forgiveness
- The closet moment: God meeting Leann with the words “Would you betray me with a kiss?” — and what that unlocked.
- Forgiveness comes before repentance, before reconciliation, before knowing if the marriage will survive.
- The distinction between forgiveness (one person) and reconciliation (two people).
- How Leann’s settled forgiveness helped remove the shame that was threatening to undo Mike.
The letters that became two books
- Leann’s near-panic at her son’s engagement: have we actually prepared him for this?
- Twenty-one letters, bound at Staples, handed to her son a month before his wedding.
- How the books came to include Leann and Mike’s real story — and why they had to tell their sons before it went to print.
- The first message to her sons: your allegiance has to shift — you are now the head of your own home.
- Genesis 2:24 as the foundation: God established this before there were any fathers or mothers to leave.
- The difference between cutting the authority structure and cutting the relationship.
Fighting for your spouse, not against them
- Mike’s admission, after eighteen years, that he thought something was fundamentally wrong every time they fought.
- The shift: stop fighting each other, start fighting for each other.
Key Takeaways
- A covenant with God holds when everything else fails.
- Forgiveness is not contingent on the other person. It comes first.
- The apron strings have to be cut — not the relationship, the authority structure.
- Conflict is not a sign something is wrong. The goal is to fight for your spouse, not against them.
- The story God wrote in your hardest season is meant to be shared.
Notable Quotes (from Leann)
- “The reason Mike and I are here at 38 years and still glad to be married is because our covenant was with God.”
- “Forgiveness — that syllable for — it happens before. You’re giving it. It’s not being earned, it’s not being bought.”
- “I don’t care where you are or how deep or how dark it is, God can bring you out of that.”
Resources Mentioned
- Becoming a Husband: 21 Days of Preparation for a Son of God
- Becoming a Wife: 21 Days of Preparation for a Daughter of God
- Marriage After God devotionals and resources
Next Steps
- If you’re carrying unforgiveness, ask God whether you’re holding something He already forgave on the cross.
- Talk with your spouse about where allegiances still need to shift — are there apron strings quietly pulling on your marriage?
- Consider writing your kids letters about what you’ve learned. One lesson. One hard season. One prayer.
- If you’re in a dark season, read Psalm 18.
