It’s your fault we are even in this mess.
The debt isn’t mine, it’s all yours. They’re your school loans.
What you spend on your debt, I should get to spend on what I want.
I really wish you didn’t bring this debt into our marriage.
It’s your debt, your problem.
The rude and disrespectful thoughts turned to snide comments, all resting on my husband’s shoulders. I used whichever one would be the most provoking to get my point across in every argument we had.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book The Unveiled Wife.
The Unveiled Wife is my journey as a new wife and the challenge I faced of embracing oneness in marriage. I often times separated and severed my husband and I from being one. I didn’t do it intentionally, rather the pain of not being fulfilled sexually, being physically separated as one, motivated my heart to spiral out of control.
My flesh was not satisfied, so, I bullied my way through marriage in search of fulfillment and happiness.
In the process I hurt my husband and eroded areas of oneness that could have been extraordinarily strong. Our finances became just as great of a struggle as physical intimacy, because I refused to embrace the concept that we could work together as a team to protect each other financially. Instead of joyfully tackling the only debt we had – my husband’s school loan – I reminded him daily of the “problem” he brought into our marriage.
I was mean, with spiteful words and an attitude that justified my poor behavior.
I convinced myself that I should not have to suffer financially because of my husband’s choices. I also blamed him, a lot, for the circumstances we were in. I was driven mad by how often I wondered,
Why can’t I spend my money the way I want?
Looking back in hindsight, I can see how much I missed out on. From a worldly perspective that doesn’t make any sense, because there is nothing to miss out on when it comes to debt. However, from a Godly perspective, a trial like knocking out debt is an opportunity for God to teach us, if we are willing to learn. Once I was able to push my flesh aside and embrace oneness in our finances, God used the relentless battle I fought alongside my husband to conquer our debt and taught me a few things…including:
- Paying off debt changes the way we consider our finances, giving us an appreciation for what we have.
- We are better budgeters. Sticking to a budget requires discipline and many times delayed gratification when having to wait to buy something. Having the ability to say “no” or “wait” to our flesh was a very important quality that we were both in need of, a quality that has helped us ever since in our decision making process as a couple.
- Our grasp on needs versus wants has been cultivated, which helps us navigate how to spend our money wisely.
- Working together to get out of debt has given us a sense of accomplishment as a team.
- Being debt free has changed our circumstances. And we must work together constantly to remain debt free.
- Embracing unity and oneness in marriage requires skilled communication. The mean and hurtful words I used to separate us had to stop and I had to learn how to approach marriage issues with concern and encouragement, hopefulness rather than hurtfulness.
- Once we are married we must have the perspective of ours rather than mine and his. We need to face life and the trials that come our way as a team, so as to not leave our marriage vulnerable to any type of attack.
- The more we embrace oneness in different areas of our marriage our relationship is strengthened and fortified.
To answer my question above, I learned that I didn’t need to spend my money on whatever I wanted. That question became a lie I chased for a long time, contributing to the chasm in my marriage relationship. When I stopped being so selfish and changed the question to:
What does God want me to spend my money on?
My whole world shifted. My desires and my motivations all shifted. No longer did I see it as my money, but I saw our money as God’s money and began seeking His wisdom on how to spend it. My husband and I still to this day submit our finances to God and pray for His direction and wisdom to guide us.
I hope that you will embrace oneness in marriage, whether it is in the area of physical intimacy, finances, decision making, etc. Embrace oneness in every area of marriage and allow God to teach you some extraordinary things. You will be refined in the process and your marriage will be made stronger.
Do not, I repeat, Do Not make the same mistake I did as a wife and forcibly separate you and your husband from experiencing oneness. Be mindful of your words, attitude, and all around behavior and utilize all that you have to cultivate oneness!
“The two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” – Mark 10:8-9
The Unveiled Wife Book is now available for Pre-Order. You can Order it by clicking HERE or you can sign-up to receive updates about it by filling out the small box below.
~ Prayer ~
I pray for the woman reading this right now. I pray she would take a look at how she responds to her husband about finances. If this is an area she struggles to embrace oneness, I pray You would transform her. Reveal the truth of her circumstance and the truth of how good it is to be a team and work together towards a common goal such as budgeting or knocking out debt. I pray her and her husband gain wisdom in how to spend the money you give them and are disciplined in following through with that wisdom. Show them how to encourage each other in the process in Jesus’ name AMEN!
~ Challenge: Embracing Unity ~
Spend time talking with each other. Plan to do something that provokes conversation, like a board game or a walk in the park.
~ Virtual Marriage Retreat ~
Don’t miss my team members’ posts on embracing unity in marriage. You can find them here:
Darlene Schacht TimeWarpWife.com
Courtney Joseph WomenLivingWell.org
Sheila Gregoire ToLoveHonorAndVacuum.com
Lisa Jacobson Club31Women.com
Ashleigh Slater AshleighSlater.com