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Hey, I am Aaron. And I’m Jennifer,
And we’re the hosts of the Marriage After God Podcast. Our desire is to help you cultivate a marriage that chases boldly after God’s will for your life together.
In this podcast, we aim to talk about topics that cover marriage, faith, parenting, friendship, and much more.
Sometimes we study through parts of the Bible and sometimes we discuss more specific marriage issues. But no matter what we talk about, our heart is to always point you and your spouse back to God and His word.
We always try to be real and transparent as we share stories from our own marriage and the things God is teaching us along the way.
With everything we share here on the podcast, we hope to encourage you to draw closer to God and to each other.
So we want to invite you to subscribe to our show wherever you watch or listen, YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, or any other platform you prefer.
We are so glad you’re here and we pray that our discussion truly blesses you and your marriage.
Welcome to the Marriage After God podcast.
Hey everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the Mary Jeff Forgot podcast. Hello, we’re Erin and Jennifer Smith. We just wanted to just let you know that we’re pre-recording this episode a week in advance, which is something we like to try and do, but we don’t do very often as much as we’d like to. But
There’s a few reasons, few good reasons. One is if you guys caught our episode last week, it was kind of an off the cuff version of what we had been dealing with that week. So I mean, it was pretty intense. You can go back and listen to it if you didn’t get a chance to listen to it, but we’ve just been dealing with some really close wildfires, and then this week I’m scheduled to have our baby. So I told
Erin, I’m like, so we’re not going to be,
Yeah, I’m like, we scheduled to record this episode, but I was like, we need to do it beforehand or else I’m not going to be able to.
So as they’re listening to this, we could be potentially have the baby. We already have the baby crazy, but that’s coming up.
And then because we’re having a baby and I’m going to be taking a break for a while and just getting used to being in postpartum again, what do you have planned for everyone?
What do I have planned for everyone?
Yeah.
Oh, thank you. I was like, I don’t know.
You might take a short break too as I need you, but
I am definitely going to be taking a short break, so be prepared for that. There’s not going to be episodes coming out regularly for at least maybe a month,
(02:21)
But maybe I’ll do some short stuff. But what I’m actually working on right now, and this is kind of my first announcement of this, but we’re going to be, I mean, for all of you regular listeners and watchers, it’s been me and Jennifer for so long. We’ve never really done interviews before. In the very beginning, we did some interviews, but it wasn’t quite what I’m going to be doing. I’m going to be hosting guest interviews on our podcast, and so you should be looking forward to those. I’ve already been booking quite a few. I’ve been doing intro calls with a bunch of people, and I’m excited about the content that’s coming up.
We think it’ll be really dynamic for you guys, and you’ll be able to hear other people’s stories and marriage stories and just the things that they’re going through, and I think it’ll be really good. I think it’ll be awesome. Yep.
So I’m going to be recording those probably in October. I have a bunch that I’m already scheduling, and so I think you can be expecting to see. Now either episodes will start coming out in November, or we’ll do it first of the year, but I believe that they’ll start coming out in November. Cool. So keeping out for those interviews
Really just depends on how
Life goes for us, depends on how life goes. So the other thing I just wanted to bring up is it was a really cool experience that we had last night. I had a meeting with all the guys from our church, all the men, and it was a really necessary meeting. It was one that we probably should have had last year, but life gets in the way. Things get hard, people go through things, but in any church, and probably it’s more evident in a small home church like ours, because you’re around the people all the time, it’s a very similar group all the time. This feeling of stagnancy, things just kind of stagnating out. People feeling distant hearts not being fully invested, which that happens everywhere. True. I was there and it was really good for us to all sit down and just have
Check in on everyone,
An uninterrupted time for everyone to open up their hearts and be honest and share and pray for each other, and really to recalibrate, realign, be like, Hey, we’re here for each other. Let’s remember that. It was really cool.
It was good for our home church to do it, but really it’s healthy for any sort of community group or bible study home group, anywhere where you guys experience,
Where you’re walking with other believers,
Walking closely with other people in that intimate setting where you care about one another and you want to give that time and space to check in and see how everyone’s doing, and for everyone to be able to be present so that you can all be on the same page and hear it all.
What the enemy wants more than anything is for us to stay compartmentalized and keep everything internal, keep it in the dark instead of just opening up and sharing like, Hey, I’m feeling a certain way. Hey, here’s something that I, I’m experiencing. Here’s where I’m at, and get on the same page. And so we did that last night and it was really good. We’re going to keep talking and discussing, and I’ve just noticed there’s a lighter lightness,
Lightness
To our fellowship. So I’m excited for that and just wanted share that with you. So you might need that. Maybe you need to sit down with a few of your close, close Christian friends and be like, we need to talk. Let’s just share.
Okay. Well, moving on to today’s topic. We thought because we just walked through a large season of pregnancy and distilling with cheese. Would
You say it was like 12 years of season? Yeah,
It’s been a long time. We had a good gap for a while.
No,
But just since January, finding out that we’re pregnant, my body changing, and just going through all those different emotions, we just thought today would be a really good way to share with you guys that experience and also encourage you just three ways to maintain intimacy during pregnancy. But I also want to encourage that this topic is relevant to us because we’re in this season, and maybe some of you listening are also in that season or gearing up to be in that season, and so this is going to be really helpful for you. But if you’re listening and being pregnant is nowhere in sight, that’s not happening, there’s other ways that our bodies become impacted that affect intimacy. I’m thinking about you throw your back out injuries or disabilities or
Distance.
Distance, yeah. So there’s always situational things that happen, circumstances where our physical body kind of
Needs time,
Needs time, or hinders that intimacy happening. We’re talking about physical intimacy, but today we’re really highlighting all the different ways that we experience intimacy in marriage and why it’s so necessary.
And also, even if you’re not pregnant or in a season where you are physically having a difficulty with that, often forgetting about these other areas of intimacy and not investing in them, no matter what your circumstances are, it’s good to recalibrate your heart and be like, Hey, actually we haven’t been focusing on this. We’ve been avoiding that either individually or together, and to just have a readjusting of what we’re focusing on and what we’re looking for in your relationship. Because it’s safer. It’s safer to be intimate than it’s to be distant. And God gave us intimacy in all its various forms, specifically to be enjoyed by husband and wife, but also as a safety mechanism, as a tool for worship, as a tool for growing and bonding. It’s so good, and we need to just remember that it’s not something that could just be thrown out and neglected, which is why we’re talking about pregnancy, because it is something that in a season, it can get easy to forget about on all aspects. Maybe not just forget about, but not even desire or feel interested. And it does require extra work on both parties part. Both parties part. Yeah. So real quick though, we have been pregnant quite a few times, and when I say we, I mean you, but it’s my baby too. But out of all six pregnancies, which one’s been your favorite or best? I wish wasn’t the best.
I mean, I didn’t keep any official journal of how each pregnancy went, but I think looking back, my pregnancy with Wyatt, I feel like we did a lot that year. That was the year we renovated our first home. That was the year we traveled and family traveled to us because we had moved here and it just seemed like a lot was going on, but that I was able to keep up and it was a fun year, so I had more energy. And so I think
How long ago? How old is he?
So that was 2016, 2016.
I don’t know
Why. It was just
Eight years ago.
It felt easy to carry.
We were younger,
Yeah,
Had more energy,
Much younger, but I would say postpartum wise, that was probably my hardest season. So maybe it was God’s redemptive way of saying, I’m going to give you this awesome pregnancy because
Well, he was a big baby.
Well, there was just a lot of things I remember in that season of postpartum that made things difficult. That was the year that central Oregon got five feet of snow, and he was born December 2nd. So I remember trying to,
That was the snow apocalypse,
Trying to hobble out to the car and not feeling well and take him to the doctors and do all the appointments and things. And I was just, oh, it was out of control.
But I remember that that was a good season. I don’t know, there was just a lot. It was like our first home too, so there was this excitement. So a part of it was probably like we were really distracted instead of just being in it and focusing on the one thing,
But why it’s our third. And I remember having these conversations with friends when we would talk about our different pregnancies or postpartums or what’s it like after this many or that many? Every time. I always go back to three because Elliot and Olive were so little
That
They needed me. And I remember specifically one time I was in the bedroom with Wyatt trying to figure out nursing because there was a lot of issues there. He had a tongue and lip tie, and it was just really hard. But Elliot and Olive, I could hear them knocking on the door, and then your mom came to get them and she was singing to them. And I remember just feeling so defeated because I was like, I can’t be there for them, but also so grateful that your mom was there and could entertain them and help them. My transition at three was hard.
They were close. So it was your favorite pregnancy?
Favorite pregnancy, but hardest possible.
We always tell people like, man, the biggest the hardest. It was transition J going from two to three
Children,
Especially when they were so close and young. Was Elliot still in diapers? He wasn’t quite
Party. No, he wasn’t. But Olive was.
Olive was, but still, they all needed everything. You had to do everything. They didn’t dress themselves really. And so anyone who’s going on to their third, we don’t want to scare you, but just be prepared that it is a difficult transition, but it’s okay. We made it.
And I think in all my pregnancies, I did encounter physical issues, my body changing my body, growing things that impacted my insecurities and wanting to be physically intimate with you,
Hormone things,
Headaches. And then this one, pelvic rest. I had placenta previa, which means it’s low lying. And so in the back of my mind, I always just felt like we need to be super careful,
Which that’s what pelvic rest is. Yeah, you got to be careful.
So I think that I don’t notice the lack of intimacy as much or as quickly as you probably feel that, but I will say that especially this pregnancy, but just over time with each one, you’ve gotten so patient with me and walking with me and understanding. And when you do feel you are, and when you do feel like this pregnancy, I can say because it’s been fresh, anytime that you felt distant or felt like we weren’t coming together, you were so respectful in the way that, and in the way that you voiced that need and that desire of yours for us to be close. And
It was good for me. Well, and you’re speaking specifically on my part of the physical side of things where you may not have been desiring it or thinking about it because you’re thinking about your body and you’re thinking about everything else,
Kind of almost being scared about it,
But you get affected on the physical and emotional side of things. So it’s like where, when you’re not pregnant, those things kind of ebb and flow. And we go through small seasons and larger seasons and then the feelings. But we’re usually it realigns pretty regularly, but when you’re pregnant, those gaps get larger and those feelings get deeper. So on the physical side, I may have like, oh man, it’s been a while, a while since we’ve been close to each other, touched each other, been physical, and I get it. And so it’s like I don’t know how to approach it. And then on your side you’re like, talk to me. You don’t feel as pretty, you feel me, lonely. You feel achy
Out of control.
Well, and so all those things elevate the feelings, elevate the experiences, elevate. And so it is something that requires more work from both people in those seasons when there’s distance. It’s one of the reasons why in the Bible we’re told it says, don’t neglect each other physically except for a time by mutual agreement. And then it says to dedicate to prayer. So the idea is that there’s still a necessity on both husband and wife to continue to pursue that together, no matter the circumstances. And when there’s a season that there does need to be a break, that they do it prayerfully and they do it together. And something that we’ve discussed is sometimes it isn’t a mutual agreement. It’s like, Hey, we haven’t talked about this.
I was going to say
Timeframe.
One of the questions I was going to ask you today is what is the hardest for you when you’re feeling like we haven’t been together in a while, and why does that hurt so bad?
It is just that it is not just being with you, but it’s the lack of
Communication.
Communication, just the mutual like, Hey,
This is where I’m at.
I need a break. So how can we figure that out? How can we take care of you? And maybe having a break. And so not saying anything, I feel like I’m in the dark and I’m like, oh,
You’re wondering where I’m at.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, and sometimes also because of life, I even don’t even register how long it’s been. It’s just kind of, I go, wait minute, I’m just going. And then I’m like, yeah, this has been too long and I don’t know why. And sometimes I get frustrated rather than talking,
I think at least two times you came to me this pregnancy and said, where are you at? Hey, just a reminder. I really desire you to tell me if you’ve already locked it in your mind, which sometimes I do. Sometimes
You have the conversation with me,
Not intentional,
Like we talked about last time. You answer for me.
Sometimes I make a decision like, oh, I’m just not going to do that for right now. And then I don’t tell you and you’re like, is she mad at me? Or there’s all these questions and insecurities and stuff,
And I feel like, and I don’t feel biblically, we do have a responsibility to communicate about these things almost in a sense of, here’s what I need and I need you to be on board with that. Or Here’s what I need and I need you to be on board,
And how can you pray for me if I’m not telling you where I’m at?
Yeah.
Whether that’s physical, emotional, mental. You can’t, yeah.
What’s the hardest for you? Because on my side is clearly going to be the physical. That’s just how I’m built. Many men are. I know that some women are the other way, but you have a much more emotional, physical.
So the two things for me, I would say, especially during pregnancy, but anytime your body’s down, right down and out is the irritability of just being frustrated. And it’s probably because we have five kids too, but I don’t want to be touched. I feel irritable. I don’t feel good. I don’t want to do anything right now. And so knowing that part of intimacy is physical makes it really hard and challenging for me. And then on the emotional mental side is when I feel like we’re not connecting, I start building a case without even talking to you of why is that happening? And so I get susceptible to lies about our relationship and about you. And again, if I don’t communicate those, they’re not extinguished as fast, but the moment I come to
You, they linger.
Yeah. The moment I come to you and I’m like, man, I’m really struggling here or wrestling with this, you remind me of what’s true. And especially when you’re in pregnancy and your hormones are just kind of not normal.
You
Just think and feel different. So I think that I would say my biggest encouragement to others listening if you are going into this season, is to be willing to communicate where you’re at.
Yeah. A lot more talking. That’s why going back to that, it takes more work. We need to be on the same page and digging in. And the husbands can do this really well of making a mental note of, I’m going to check in with my wife, not just for my physical needs, but where are you emotionally? Are you feeling connected to me? Do you feel distant from me? What do you need from me?
The other day I was breaking down in the bathroom and it was just a really hard day, and I had an appointment slip my mind, and there was something else weighing heavy on my heart, and I was in the bathroom kind of just freaking out, and you’re all come here and you just held your hands out to me. And I even wanted to resist that because I
No, you said no. And I just stood there with my hands out.
It was really precious,
Which is not common for me. I
Think I even said it’s not going to change anything, but that was just my flesh fighting against the things that I was facing and dealing with. Did
It help because it was only a half a second that
You had to It was so beautiful. I was so grateful for it, even though,
Well, that’s good to know.
I know. I didn’t even tell you, huh? Well, that was, was it yesterday or the day before? Yeah. I think sometimes we experience a moment of chaos, a moment of insecurity or failing.
It’s called
Spiraling. Yes. When you just feel like a failure and you’re like, nothing is working, and I was flustered and all I wanted was for you to hug me. And then nothing else in the world exists. But I don’t know why sometimes I push you away. And I know there’s other people out there that do that. I have friends that have talked about it. But just that feeling of, I dunno, resistance. It’s
Hard. Speaking specifically, I watched a video of a guy saying, when your spouse, when you come to your spouse and you tell him, Hey, I want to hold you or hug you, and they push you away, it’s not because they actually want you to not do it. It’s like a test. They’re testing to see if you’ll fight for it.
I
Don’t know what exactly it is. I don’t know if that’s what you were doing, but
I don’t what
It is. I just stood there. I’m just going to stand here until you come to me. I
Think what I saw in that moment was all the things that made me feel this way in the first place weren’t going to change just by you giving me a hug. And I was mad about that. It was like, no, but I wanted to makes sense. I just wanted all the other things to work out too. Yeah. Okay. So now that we’ve kind of covered our experience, we wanted to share with you guys three important ways to maintain intimacy when pregnant or when, fill in the blank.
Whenever that intimacy needs to be maintained.
Whenever it needs to be maintained, which is always, always, that’s what I was going to say.
Always. So we’re going to talk about, the first one is physical intimacy.
So you broke these down into three parts.
Yeah. Because there’s not just physical intimacy, there’s mental and emotional and spiritual. We talked about these things.
So really it’s how to maintain physical intimacy. Emotional. Is it emotional
Intimacy, mental intimacy. Intimacy. Which emotional is part of that
And spiritual intimacy.
Spiritual, yeah. I’m starting with physical.
Okay.
I’m a physical person, so I’m biased, but it’s important because I think there’s a lot of some husbands, but a lot of wives probably that would put this into a very
High priority.
No, not high priority. This is a low priority category. Oh, I know he wants that. But there’s so much other things that are more important, especially when there’s something that is adding the distance. Either it’s physical distance or pregnancy, which is
Causing it. So you’re saying it’s already hard, and now there’s this thing that’s making it given,
Making it even harder. The war, the war against us from an enemy. If he can attack our physical connection biblically, when the Bible calls a husband, wife, one, the way they become one is by physical intimacy, not by saying they’re married, not by being betrothed, not by going through the ceremony, but the act of sex is what makes them one, which is very interesting because it’s a very spiritual thing.
I love how the Bible
Used physical connection of, used
The word known
That he knew that intimate his wife. And so the act of oneness begins at the consummation of marriage, the coming together of a man and a woman. So physical intimacy needs to be looked at in a perspective of this is got to be a high priority for us in our marriage. Again, I’m biased, but I’m saying biblically, perspective wise, spiritually, perspective wise, we cannot take the physical intimacy of a husband and a wife for granted. We cannot put aside. So that doesn’t mean it has to look the same in every season of life, but maintaining that closeness, that physical touch, it may not be able to be intercourse, but it can be other things. Mainly you can have a conscious effort to stay physically close. There’s times when you’re in bed and you’re so uncomfortable and I roll over to snuggle you, and you’re like, I don’t want to be touching
Back up.
So it may
Not be. By the way, I do appreciate your initiation there.
Thank you. I
Just can’t.
And I also understand that you’re hot, uncomfortable. I get that. But even just that activity of coming closer, if it’s not my whole body, it could be an arm, a hand holding you, your hand, putting my hand on your hair, playing with your hair.
I was going to say, even when we’re watching a movie, like me putting my head on your shoulder,
Yes.
Or scoot
Closer to you used to rubbing my arm. You’ve done it several times. Just rubbing my neck. Those physical things remind each other that you’re physically there.
I actually put a note here that I think it was that church, I stood next to you and you were in a conversation with someone, but I just was playing with your back and
I loved it.
I know.
Did I lean over and tell you? I was like,
I love this. You turned around. And then I realized in that moment, oh, it’s been a while since I’ve engaged and I’ve been the one to initiate that physical contact. And so I need to remind myself to do that more often.
This is probably a question just to get at wives, because I know I’ve known husbands that also struggle with physical intimacy, which is strange to me because it’s the so opposite of my flesh. But I know on both, in both husbands and wives, there’s an issue sometimes with physical intimacy, fear of it, anxieties about it, lots of things. Do you feel like there’s a conscious fear sometimes of if you were to touch me in any sort of intimate way that it might make me want you in a more physical way?
I wouldn’t call it a fear, as in I’m afraid, but fear as in not
Fear.
I know what I’m getting into. Yeah,
Yeah. I’m not going to do it because I don’t want to open that up.
I think that’s come up before. Yes.
And I know that people where feel that way. But like you said, you did it while we were at church and I felt so
Loved,
Loved, and of course it turned me on, but in that moment, nothing’s going to happen other than I was like, wow, she loves me. She’s wants to be near me and touch me and make me feel good.
What I’m hearing is if you do struggle with, oh no, this is going to lead to something more and you’re not ready for that, do it in a public space.
Do it publicly.
Do it in a safe spot. No,
What I’m saying is yes, is not being afraid of what it means because it does mean that. And that’s not a bad thing.
And like we said before, communication is the key. So if your touch does lead to something more and you’re not ready for it, just be willing to communicate that and say, what can we do?
So there’s just the Romans 12, 10 verse, love one another with a brotherly affection. I know that sounds weird because brothers, but what it means is a familial affection.
I like that second part. It says outdo one another in showing honor. And I know honor is not the same thing as love or physical affection, but when we think about that concept of outdoing each other, it kind of helps with the challenge of initiation. If any of you struggle with initiation, because I know I have in times to outdo each other with that kindness towards physical intimacy,
I’ll say this. I felt really, when you were rubbing my neck at church, I felt really honored. And there’s something to be said about other wives or other husbands watching that and saying, I wish my wife would do that. I want my wife to do that to me. And feeling that honor for me or feeling that honor for themselves.
I was going to say, expressing your love physically for one another. I know I’m not good about that. I usually do tend to push you away. It makes me uncomfortable a little bit, but it’s good for other people, especially our kids, to see that affection and that closeness, that bonding,
And it’s hard to fake it.
Yeah, that’s
True. It really is. It’s hard to fake it. That’s true. So when I’m talking about maintaining closeness, handholding coming up and just grabbing your wife’s hand or your wife taking that effort to be like, I’m going to let remind my husband that I’m still with him, physically hugging, embracing throughout the day, all these small gestures, they maintain that physical connection. None of these are sexual intercourse, but they’re all sexually intimate in a physical way.
Same with massages. Just being willing to touch each other.
And that’s been actually a way that we’ve connected during this pregnancy is I just want to touch you and I give you a foot massage or a
Back massage. Well, what I love about that is you give me a foot massage you’ve offered, and then we sit and chat while you’re doing it, and it makes me feel close. So we both win.
And so the tickle rubs and the massages, all of those physical acts, we really don’t have an excuse for not doing those other than I’m just irritable and I’m going to live in that irritability and I’m not going to do it. Now the sexual intimacy, which is the next part, may not fill up to it. Maybe on pelvic rest, and maybe you’re physically not allowed to. There could be lots of reasons for this, but even if the physical act of intercourse is off the table for a season, there are other things, and we don’t have to describe ’em. And usually on the show we don’t do that. It’s not this about, but you know what they are. And the ways we know the ways in which we can still be sexually intimate with each other when that time comes, when it’s necessary. And again, by communication like, Hey, I really need you.
Yeah, there was something I wanted to mention, which I had the same thought. We’re not going to go into super
Detail
On anything, but especially being pregnant or there’s an injury or something like that, I know positioning really matters. And so being gracious with each other and flexible mentally and emotionally for trying things. And if they don’t work and adjusting,
Being
Patient slower, being patient, going slower, all of these things make for a lighter atmosphere. I even thought of a funny one, which I almost didn’t want to share, but I had really bad indigestion this
Season. You did more than any other
Baby. And so for me, that was a hangup because I don’t feel like that would be very nice going into trying to be physical with you and having, did you
Have a hard time just laying on your back?
Yeah. So I just wanted to make note of that. When our body is experiencing some hard things that the other spouse has a way of making the atmosphere lighter by not pointing it out or making them feel bad or huffing or puffing, just go with the flow. Both of them. Both people go with the flow.
And I also want to, that was really good because positioning physically, you might have to adjust. Adjust. And the other thing I was thinking is in these seasons, there’s times when you feel better and times when you feel worse.
So take advantage
Seriously
Wasn’t great about that. This
Wasn’t good at is be very conscious of, I feel good today. This is a good day. Take advantage of the good day so that when the bad days come, it’s not just a compiled like, well, could have happened yesterday, but it didn’t and definitely can’t happen today. And so making sure you’re very
Conscious and being willing to initiate in those
Times,
I could have done better
Taking advantage of when you feel
Good.
So I wasn’t bringing that up to say anything about you.
No, that was good.
But that’s a good,
I recognize that reminder. And just to add to that, when you do kind of set yourself up when you haven’t been the initiator for a while, look out for ways that you yourself may sabotage or other things may sabotage your effective
Initiation. Really, you don’t do something that would make you have a bad day
Or
Diet wise or pushing yourself too hard or
Yeah, exactly.
Lots of things, I guess.
And even the enemy knows can probably see your sense or if you’re talking to your girlfriend about it, I don’t know. I’m just saying, look for ways to protect that effort.
Okay. That was great. So let’s go on to number two. This is mental intimacy. So this is another aspect. Again, this should be happening anyway.
I would say even more often than initiating physically, because it’s kind of the buildup. If you’re not connecting here with mental and emotional intimacy, it’s going to be even harder to engage physically.
Yeah. Well, and when you do engage physically, it could make the emotional and mental distance feel further. Like, oh, this is all we’re doing. I feel like I haven’t talked to you all day. I feel like we haven’t connected. I feel like you don’t love me. And then now we’re doing this. And that feels more like a,
So then bitterness grows.
Yeah, that’s a good point. Mental intimacy, intentional conversations before bed. Okay, so taking the time. How are you doing? I know that you been, we don’t want to kidding. How do you feel? How are you excited about the baby coming?
Yeah.
Do you have any fears?
I would say this was an easier one for us because pretty much our whole marriage, other than when one of us is traveling, we’ve made it a point to go to bed at the same time. Not every couple does that. And so I can see how this would be harder, but maybe start going to bed at the same time, or if one’s traveling, make that phone call and make it happen so that
Maybe it’s breakfast, to be honest,
Adjusting the time.
It could be more than just this one. It should be more. But there’s times where you guys collide and you’re at the same time with the same amount of time. You haven’t fallen asleep yet. Put the phone away, don’t scroll and just be there together to talk about life. Yeah.
The verse here, can I share that?
Yep.
Philippians two, four, it says, let each of you look not only to his own interest, but also to the interest of others. This is kind of twofold because I can sense that in marriage, like stripping this for a marriage verse, it could be, while you’re talking to each other, are you showing interest in the things that your spouse is talking about and engaging there?
Are you seeking out their interests? What’s on your heart?
And the other kind of way I can look at this is saying, are you just trying to get through this conversation because you’re interested in something else? And people can sense that. So be willing to engage in communication and not use it as a means to get to the other stuff. Does that make sense?
Yeah. But I would add to that, don’t use it as a prerequisite either.
True.
Good point. These should be happening. That’s a good point. This is a good thing. And like you said, this should be a buildup, a lead up, but it should never be a prerequisite.
Yeah, that’s true.
And sex shouldn’t be a prerequisite for a man to
Open up
And want to communicate with his wife. That’s good. That’s really good. These are all just areas that we could be putting energy into and saying, oh, I need to be connecting with my spouse.
And you can literally do this every day without not having something to talk about. Because individually, you guys have experienced the day, you encountered different circumstances. Maybe you have different anxieties about things or worries and concerns. These are things that should be talked about so that you guys are on the same page. And you can encourage each other through it. You can pray for each other through it. You can support each other in that way of knowing each other.
I also thought about, it’s easy to look at it from the husband’s perspective toward the wife who’s pregnant. How are you doing checking in like that? Because women often need that mental connection. But it could also be, and should also be an opportunity for the wife who is heavily invested in creating a baby. Rightfully, they’re thinking about the baby, they’re thinking about their body, they’re thinking about how they feel, very focused, inter focused, I dunno if that’s right, but focused on themselves,
Internally, focused
Internally, not necessarily in a selfish way, it’s just natural everything’s happening in your body. But using that time to check in on your husband, how are you doing? I know this has been hard. I know I’ve been feeling this way. I know that we have another baby coming. Where are you at? How could I serve you and love you? How could I pray for
You?
So checking in on your husband.
I like this last one, a good one. This last one you put making each other laugh.
Yeah, that is a good one. Sometimes
I know
We need to just laugh,
Lighten up the mood,
Make jokes,
Draw in some humor.
Don’t tickle your wife because she doesn’t like that when she’s pregnant. Wherever
Something can happen,
You just don’t like being tickled. So I was talking about tickling for a second, and the physical aspect. I’ll roll over to Jennifer and I’ll just want to put my hand over to fill the baby. And it just rubs right past her hip.
I screamed
And she screams, I’m like, did I hurt you? And she’s like, no, that tickled. And I’m like, you’re the most ticklish. And I’d even try to, I’m not trying to tickle you, but yeah. So I have to go way over and make it very abrupt that I’m not trying to tickle you. So don’t accidentally make you freak out.
Yeah. I think as adults, we all wrestle with hard things, whether it’s today or a season or whatever, and we need to remember to keep it light, to enjoy each other’s presence, to know that we can laugh together and that there’s not all this list of things hindering us from enjoying our company.
Yeah. Last area, spiritual intimacy. We talked about praying for each other. So this,
That’s like the biggest one.
Well, and this one also is attached to all the other ones because physical intimacy should be a spiritual thing.
Well, you talked about oneness.
Yeah. Mental intimacy should be a spiritual thing. Where’s your soul at? Where’s your spirit? How’s your relationship with God? So praying often, and for everything, we talk about this so much. We have books about this people
Marriage after god.com, or is it shop marriage after god.com,
Shop dot marriage after god.com,
Lots of prayer books,
Praying for the baby, praying for yourselves. If you have children, you know how hard it’s to be a parent, and then you have a new one coming. You’re like, okay, God, help me be a better parent for this one. We need to be praying with each other about these things. When we’ve talked about stuff, we pray about it. When you aren’t feeling physically attractive, we pray about that. And I use the word of God to encourage you and remind you of the truth.
(37:02)
These things, they’re all spiritual. And if we pretend like the spiritual things are somewhere else and like, oh, Sundays, we’ll leave it over there, then all of these other things which are also spiritual, are going to be taken advantage of. They’re going to be taken out. They’re going to be destroyed and corrupted. And so we got to be very diligent to be praying with each other often. And for everything that this verse in Philippians four, six, everyone knows it. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your request be, request be made known to God.
Every time I read that first part, I’m really prone to anxiety and fear and struggles like that. And so when I read that, it’s like
Your main love language is anxiety.
Some would think, but when I read that first part, do not be anxious about everything. I always think, how can I not?
I’m anxious about
All things. I’m anxious about this verse right now that I’m not walking in it.
Well, and this is what’s interesting is we think that things around us need to change for the anxieties to go away. But in reality, everything in life just wants to cause anxiety. So God’s very clear. He is like, no, no, don’t be anxious. It’s like an action. Like, oh, give it up and instead pray to me. Talk to me about all these things.
And it does help.
What’s another one?
Well, we have gone through seasons of reading the word together, but our encouragement is to read the word together. I would say more so in our relationship. We share the word, Hey, what are you reading about right now? Or if something stood out to us, we share about it. And then we do family bible time together, which I absolutely love.
So we read the word together almost every day.
Yeah, well just, not just you and
I. We don’t sit in bed and just we have done that.
So the verse to encourage you here is Psalm 1 19, 1 0 5, it says, your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path, which is really beautiful when you think about marriage, because marriage is a journey and it’s an experience with your spouse. And so if you’re reading the word together, that path is illuminated. And the Lord is your navigator. And how wonderful that you guys can submit to him in all things and be on the same page together because of him.
It’s true.
And then lastly, oh, I think this is lastly, sending encouragement to each other throughout the day. It could be Bible verses. It could be if you come across a podcast that you’re listening to
Like this one, if there’s any good podcasts you listen to regularly, you should share it
With your spouse. But if there’s something that stands out to you and it really touches your heart, you should be sharing that with your spouse. If you’re on social media and there’s just this post or meme
Es
Right,
You send me a lot of memes,
I got to get this. Got
To laugh. She’s really good at sending me memes.
You should be sending those to your spouse in an encouraging way and say, Hey, just thought about you. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything on the same page, but when things do stand out to you, it’s so encouraging to be reminded and to have someone in your life that’s that anchor of like, I know they’re going to spiritually lead me. Pray for me, support me. Send me the word. And so Colossians three, two says, set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth, which when we look at things on earth, like you said, everything’s out to stir up anxiety in us, but when we put our minds to things that are him, the word causes
More peace.
Yeah.
It draws you closer together. That’s true. Intimacy right there is being able to do that for each other and mean it
Real quick. What I love about when you will send me a scripture is that I feel known by you because you already know what I’m walking through. Because the night before we sat in bed and talked about it. And so you get affirmed majorly when that happens. Just want to share that.
Love that. So that was it.
Yeah.
Those are the three areas of intimacy that we wanted you to focus on. And the idea is just being intentional with them.
I did put a note here for a word for the spouse that’s not experiencing the physical disruption of intimacy. So whether it’s pregnancy or like we said, an injury or anything else, if you are the spouse that’s kind of caretaking, be sensitive and alert to the needs of your spouse. Be willing to go without having a negative attitude or being an attitude, sorry, I’m reading my notes and realize that doesn’t make sense. But making sure that your feelings don’t come out as a passive aggressive, hurt, irritation, irritation. Be willing to bring it up in a kind and respectful way, a way that shows that you understand what your spouse is going through, even though you want to know more. And so giving them that space to talk about it and encourage them through it and pray with them. And also, no matter how many times it may be a resistant result, pursue, pursue, pursue. Because I can tell you there have been so many times throughout our relationship that I have really sucked at initiating and pursuing you, but you press on and you don’t give up, and it makes our marriage so beautiful. So if you’re that spouse that can handle initiating, do it because it means the world to your spouse, even if they’re not communicating that,
That’s a good encouragement. And that’s where we’re going to end for this episode. So why don’t you pray for us, okay.
God, we just come before you and just thank you so much for the gift of intimacy, the gift of oneness, the gift of unity and marriage. And we pray for every marriage listening right now that you would help all of us to just evaluate and examine where we are with each other in marriage and work better, harder, smarter, to create an atmosphere in our family and in our home that cultivates all of those things that cultivates oneness, that cultivates unity. We pray that we are pursuers of intimacy, whether it’s physical or emotional, mental or spiritual. Lord, we pray that we would be inspired to draw close to you and closer to each other, and we pray this for everyone. In Jesus name, amen.
Amen. Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of the Mayor Draft of God podcast. We pray that it blessed you as usual. If you loved it, would you please leave us a star rating and review? Would you hit that like button? Would you subscribe to our channel wherever you’re listening or watching? And we look forward to having you next time. Thank you.
