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Walking with Christ is a lifelong journey of refinement—and marriage is often one of the primary ways God shapes us. In this season of our Husband and Wife After God devotional series, we’ve been talking a lot about purpose, unity, reconciliation, and the power of God’s design. Today, we’re leaning into a theme that touches every believer: holiness. More specifically, the sanctification that takes place within our marriages.
Colossians 2:6–7 says, “Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith… abounding in thanksgiving.”
Being rooted in Christ is essential—not only for our individual faith, but for the strength and health of our marriage.
When we surrender to Christ, we are saved in a moment. Romans 10:9 reminds us that “if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”
But sanctification—the process of becoming more like Jesus—is continual. It’s daily. It’s lifelong. And God often uses the closest relationships we have, including marriage, to draw out the impurities, attitudes, and habits that He wants to transform.
Like gold tested by fire, our faith is strengthened through trials. “The crucible is for silver and the furnace is for gold, and the Lord tests the hearts” (Proverbs 17:3). Marriage becomes the place where God lovingly reveals what needs to be refined.
We’ve walked through our share of refining seasons—sexual intimacy struggles early on, financial stress, friendship wounds, parenting challenges, and even simple personality clashes. None of these were easy. At the time, many of them felt like too much.
But looking back, we can see how God used every single hardship to deepen our roots in Him and strengthen our unity with one another.
Marriage exposes the parts of us we might never see otherwise. Gary Thomas calls your spouse “a mirror,” and we’ve found that to be true. Our spouse reflects both our beauty and our brokenness. When sin surfaces, we have the opportunity to respond with humility, repentance, and love.
Some of the most sanctifying tools God uses include:
- Trials and conflict that bring sin to the surface.
- Parenting, which reveals our impatience, pride, and selfishness.
- Friendships and community, which test our ability to forgive and lean on grace.
- Everyday interactions, where we practice choosing unity over self-interest.
Set Apart—For God and for Each Other
Sanctification is about being set apart. In marriage, we are set apart from the world and devoted exclusively to one another—just as we are set apart for Christ.
Romans 6:22 says, “The fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life.”
We grow through the daily commitment to love, forgive, serve, repent, and pursue holiness together.
Every trial becomes an invitation:
Lord, what are You trying to grow in me? How can I love better, respond better, and look more like Christ in this moment?
Our encouragement to every couple is simple:
- Don’t run from the refining.
- Don’t fear the moments that reveal your sin.
- Don’t see your spouse as the enemy.
Instead, let your roots go deeper into Christ, and allow Him to use your marriage to make you more holy, more humble, and more like Jesus every day.
Episode Summary
The True Meaning of Marriage: Set Apart and Refined by God
What is the true meaning of marriage? For Christians, marriage is more than companionship or romance. It is a holy covenant where God uses the relationship between a husband and wife to refine, sanctify, and set them apart for Himself. This article is adapted from the Marriage After God Podcast, week seven of the Marriage After God devotional series, and explores the biblical meaning of marriage as a lifelong journey of holiness.Rooted in Christ: The Foundation of a Holy Marriage
The starting point for understanding the meaning of marriage is not marriage itself, but Christ. Our lives and our marriages must be rooted in Him: Colossians 2:6–7 – “Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” To be rooted in Christ means our security, identity, and strength come from Him. Like a tree with deep roots:- We can stand when storms come.
- We grow stronger through pressure, wind, and drought.
- We draw our “nutrients” — peace, comfort, and wisdom — from Him.
The Meaning of Marriage: Set Apart as Holy
At the core, the biblical meaning of marriage is holiness. The Bible word for that ongoing process is sanctification — being set apart for God. To be holy means you are not just mixed in with the world. You are:- Set apart for God’s purposes.
- Called to live differently than the culture around you.
- Placed in a “special” position as God’s own people.
- You are no longer “available” to the world.
- You belong exclusively to your spouse.
- You entered a covenant that made you “one” in God’s eyes.
- Daily choosing unity over selfishness.
- Daily choosing humility instead of pride.
- Daily learning what it means to love like Christ.
Salvation, Sanctification, and the Christian Marriage
The journey of holiness in marriage starts with salvation. If you are not walking with Christ, you will struggle to walk out His design for marriage. Romans 10:9 – “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” We are not saved by our good works or by being “good spouses.” We are saved by:- Believing in Jesus and His death and resurrection.
- Confessing Him as Lord.
- Resting in His work, not our own.
Refined Like Gold: How God Uses Trials in Marriage
God often refines us the same way gold is refined — through heat and pressure. 1 Peter 1:7 – “So that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” Proverbs 17:3 – “The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the Lord tests hearts.” Gold is purified by intense heat. The impurities rise to the surface and are skimmed off. Then the process repeats, over and over, until the gold is pure. In a similar way, God uses:- Hard seasons in marriage.
- Storms like financial stress, health issues, or conflict.
- Everyday friction of two sinners learning to become one.
- Sexual intimacy struggles – learning to pursue each other without bitterness or comparison.
- Financial pressure – not being on the same page with goals or spending, dealing with “not enough.”
- Parenting challenges – learning patience, self-control, and sacrificial love with children.
- Betrayal or deep hurt – forgiving when it feels impossible, choosing reconciliation.
Marriage as a Mirror: Seeing Our Hearts Clearly
Our spouse is often like a mirror that shows us what is really in our hearts. As author Gary Thomas has written, marriage doesn’t just make us happy; it makes us holy. Before marriage, many of us think we’re doing pretty well. Then we get married, and suddenly:- We see how selfish we can be.
- We see how easily we get angry, offended, or impatient.
- We realize how often we minimize our own sin and magnify our spouse’s.
- Excuse our own behavior.
- Judge our spouse more harshly than ourselves.
- Humility: “I’m so sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me.”
- Pride: “You shouldn’t be hurt. This is your problem, not mine.”
- Confessing our sin to God.
- Confessing and apologizing to our spouse.
- Asking the Holy Spirit to change us.
Parenting, Community, and the Ongoing Journey of Holiness
Marriage is not the only context God uses to refine us. Two big ones mentioned in the conversation were:1. Parenting
- Children constantly test our patience, self-control, and priorities.
- We see how quickly we get frustrated or overwhelmed.
- We are reminded every day how much we still need Jesus.
2. Community and Friendships
- Friends, church, and extended family bring both encouragement and conflict.
- Misunderstandings, offenses, and differences become opportunities to forgive and be patient.
- Relationships outside of marriage give us more chances for God to work on our hearts.
How to Embrace God’s Refinement in Your Marriage
Here are some practical ways to respond differently, now that you see the meaning of marriage as refinement and holiness:1. Stay Rooted in God’s Word
- Read Scripture regularly, together or individually.
- Measure your reactions against what the Bible says, not your feelings.
- Ask: “Am I living by my flesh or by God’s Word?”
2. Choose Repentance Quickly
- When sin is exposed, admit it instead of defending it.
- Ask God to search your heart, like David did: “See if there is any wicked way in me.”
- Confess to your spouse when you’ve hurt them.
3. See Trials as Refining, Not Punishment
- Instead of “Why me?” ask, “Lord, what are You teaching us?”
- Remember that trials can deepen your roots in Christ.
- Believe that God is for your marriage, not against it.
4. Treat Your Spouse as Your Teammate
- Remind yourself: “My spouse is not my enemy.”
- Fight for each other, not against each other.
- Invite each other to share honest feedback, and listen with humility.
5. Pray Together
- Bring your struggles, hurts, and hopes to God as a couple.
- Ask God to use your marriage to make you more like Christ.
- Thank Him for the good times and the refining times.
A Marriage After God: Living Out a Biblical Marriage
“A marriage after God is one that declares, ‘All that the Lord has spoken we will do’ (Exodus 19). A marriage after God is not only interested in serving God through extraordinary work. A marriage after God is interested in living out a biblical marriage.”This is the heart of the meaning of marriage for believers: not just doing big things “for God,” but allowing God to shape the daily, ordinary, hidden parts of our relationship.
Reflection Questions for You and Your Spouse
Use these questions in your own devotional time or together as a couple:- What transformations are you currently experiencing as a Christian or as a spouse?
- What recent trial in your marriage might God be using to refine you instead of destroy you?
- How can you respond to your spouse differently, knowing that the trials you face together have the potential to produce transformation in your marriage?
Weekly Practice: Let Your Wedding Ring Be a Reminder
This week, every time you notice your wedding ring or look at your ring finger, let it remind you:- You are set apart for your spouse.
- You are set apart for God.
- Your marriage is part of His ongoing work of sanctification in your life.
- Pray for your spouse.
- Thank God for your marriage.
- Ask God to keep refining you through your relationship.
