The Art of Texting In Marriage

Hey, we’re Aaron and Jennifer Smith, your host of the Marriage After God podcast. They say communication is the key to a good relationship, but what do they say about how we communicate living in the 21st century with all the technological advances we have? The rapid ability to communicate via phone, text, or email has definitely thrown a curve ball for those trying to bat a home run in marriage. The invention of the cell phone, internet, and apps have completely reshaped our culture and how we operate as a society. And it all has happened in a very short period of time.

Despite the good that can come from the speedy access acquired through technology, there have been unintended and unexpected consequences of the way it is used at times, especially through text messaging. Have you ever sent a text that was taken the wrong way? Are you guilty of ignoring a text or being non-responsive? Have you ever experienced an anxiety or hurt from the way a conversation unfolds over text? Have you ever been misunderstood through these shorthand ways of communicating? Today we’re going to explore a conversation around the ways we communicate via text and how it’s impacting our marriage.

Today’s episode is brought to you by our free 31-day Marriage Prayer Challenge. Over 140,000 husbands and wives have already started the challenge, and we want to invite you to join them. This prayer challenge is completely free, and we believe it will also completely bless your marriage. After you sign up, you’ll begin to receive an email every day for 31 days with a scripture to meditate on and a prayer prompt for you to pray for. Simply visit marriageprayerchallenge.com and sign up for free today.

Hey everybody. We’re so happy to have you back. This is the last episode of February.

Crazy. Hi, February.

Which means, yeah, February’s gone.

Bye February. I don’t know how it went that fast. It’s weird. I was just at breakfast with a friend of mine, we’re getting coffee and food, and it was actually a really good place. Have you been to Victorian Cafe?

A long time ago. Yeah, wive been here.

Yeah, for me, it’s been a long time. Anyways, really good place. Really good conversation with my friend and-

Have the pancakes. I recall.

I didn’t have pancakes.

I know, because you’re gluten-free.

Gluten-free. Anyways, we were talking and we were talking about how it just feels like time is literally speeding up and she made this comment, “Yeah, I haven’t seen any changes on the clocks, but it really does feel like things are speeding up.” It’s crazy.

Yeah, I was mentioning that Elliot feels like time’s going faster too, because I always thought maybe just when we were kids, things felt slower, and now that we’re adults, it goes faster. But all of our kids-

They throw it too.

They’re like, why is… Wait, the day’s already overweight, it’s already bed time.

It feels like we can’t fit enough in.

Wait. It’s already church because we can measure by going to church. And they even feel like-

Is it Because we’re-

… everything’s going faster?

It’s because we’re still in that season where it’s more darker. Once we hit summer, it’ll feel-

No. I feel like it always feels like it’s going faster. I don’t know. I feel like, yeah, last year just flew by and now already-

It’s snowballing down hill.

It’s almost through our first quarter of this year.

Crazy.

It feels crazy. So I think time is going faster. I don’t know.

Not sure. Well, living in this era of technology.

Which does make things go faster, actually, it’s what we’re talking about.

It’s been quite radical growing up, wouldn’t you say? Just the things that we’ve seen and been a part of and just… I don’t know, it’s kind of-

Our generation for sure was that transition generation.

Yeah. We saw and experience the shift from landlines to cell phones in every pocket.

No. We don’t even have a landline in our house. We just have cell phones. Two player Nintendo, two elaborate, amazing gaming stations.

My brother had a really elaborate great gaming station.

And they’re even better than that now. That was years ago.

I was talking about my younger brother.

I know. They’re even better than that now.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, he had, yeah. From AOL dial up to 5G and even faster internet speeds. I still remember the dial tone though, that…

Oh, yeah. Don’t remind everyone. You’re going to give them anxiety. Passing handwritten notes to friends where now we can just text.

I know. I remember I was my senior year when cell phones were a thing, they were around, but we weren’t having cell phones.

And even the ones we did-

It was a few people that had them.

… there was not very much to do on it.

I know. There were glorified pagers. You couldn’t do much on them. I had a pager for a little bit too, actually.

That’s crazy. Yeah.

I know.

So wow. So much technology in a short period of time and with every upgrade has just come more rapid ways of connection and communication.

And adoption of these ways of doing things and shifting away from them. Where now this generation does nothing the way we used to do things. And even us, we don’t do things the way we used to do things.

And because everything’s going so fast, there’s no book or manual that says, “This is how you should do it for the best results.” We were just thrown into the deep end of the pool.

Well, we are the ones that designed how to use it. Our generation just-

Well, not us.

Yeah. But our generation of using text message.

But that doesn’t mean that we know how to do it right.

No. Not at all. But it’s now we’re having to figure this out in marriage and figure it out in life.

And parenting.

And the reason we’re talking about this idea of communication through text message is because it actually… It’s a real thing that we all do, and we’ve all had situations with text messages.

Yeah. I tried looking up a stat and I found Pew Research, but this was back from 2011. It said some 83% of American adults own cell phones.

Which is, that’s got to be a hundred percent now.

And about three quarters of them receive and send text messages. But yeah, I feel like it’s way more.

Well, I remember when we were just in reference to this idea of how much we text. We used to get our cell phone plans based off how many minutes you can use. And I remember there was a point where I was like, we barely talk to each other over the phone. Let’s just get at least amount of minutes.

Unlimited text.

And unlimited text. And now most of our communications is text messaging.

Everyone’s going like, “Yeah we did that too.”

We rarely have a phone call. Too. Yeah.

I actually get a little nervous when it comes to a phone call. I’ve seen memes about millennials who can’t answer the phone. Yeah, that’s me.

Yeah. Don’t call me. Send me a text. Can you text like a normal person?

So going back to this idea that we didn’t have a manual, weren’t raised exactly knowing how to do this thing with technology, but we did learn a lot through experience.

Of all the challenges.

Yeah. And realizing, “Oh, I can’t say that through text or I can’t say it like that through text”

Or I can’t believe I just sent that.

Yeah, the dreaded autocorrect.

Yeah. That’s like the…

It still gets us.

Yeah. Autocorrect. I feel like that’s the narrative of our generation is sending things in the phone, deciding what we meant, and you’re like, that’s not what I meant. Why did you even put that word in there?

But because we had to walk through things like just hard circumstances or being misunderstood through saying something the wrong way. There’s been hurt, there’s been anxiety, there’s been frustration or insecurity, maybe even anger because of the way a text thread is coming about. And we’ve all been there, haven’t we?

Yeah. Especially… There’s just a funny thing, especially when you’re in a group text and you have all sorts of things that can go on with that.

I like to be… Just to admit here for a moment, I like to be the observer in those threads where I just-

Sit back and watch it unfold.

Sit back and watch it happening.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But we’re mainly talking about how this plays out in marriage today because-

This apply it to everything.

… all of these things that we’re talking about happen. We’ve experienced it. A text message gets sent, gets misunderstood, or you understood it perfectly and you’re just wondering why they sent that. And you’re like, “Why aren’t we just talking about that?” But it’d be good to dive into this and into calling it an art.

Because we all express ourselves in different ways.

Yeah. We’re unique.

… that’s why I called it the art of communication.

And we just want to explore this idea a little bit and give a couple ideas on how we can be aware of it. Things that we can consider when it comes to how we communicate via text message.

Before we go further, let’s jump into our personal experience with this. Aaron, do you-

Here, I got some text messages I’m going to read.

No.

Just kidding.

No.

So Jennifer, yesterday you texted… I’m just kidding.

I’m actually really proud of myself because knowing that we worked on some of these notes beforehand, something happened earlier and I was going to text you a picture with some words and I decided not to, and I called you and said, everyone’s like, “Why. What was it?”

I’m trying to remember now.

I got frustrated about some dishes.

Oh, you did. Yeah. And you actually communicated really well with me. I left. I could have cleaned up when I didn’t, and she was calling me to let me know that I should-

But the sink was full of dishes.

… have cleaned up when I could have.

That the help is necessary.

Would’ve been appreciated.

Yeah. Or would’ve been appreciated. I can-

That, oh, you were going to send me a picture of the sink.

I was going to send you the sink full of dishes and-

You might have done that in the past.

… share some heart expression with you. Okay. Sorry. Aaron, has there been a time that I texted you something that rubbed you the wrong way or hurt you?

Well, since this is a yes or no question. Yes. There’s been a time.

Really? I thought I’m pretty. I’m just kidding. You know my self more.

Well, I think that what you were just giving example of is I don’t like when I get texted with frustrating text messages. I don’t think anyone does of course. Because then it’s like sitting there and I’m looking at it and I’m like, “Okay.” And also I actually, I personally have a hard time having large communications through text message. I could do short things like that sort of thing. But if I’m trying to share my… How I’m understanding something or how I feel about something, it’s really hard for me. So when I get a text message and that, I’m just thinking, “How do I respond to this right now?”

I think everyone’s shaking their head like yeah. that’s hard. That’s really hard.

So it’d be easier if we talked. Going back to that word anxiety. I do. I’ll sit there. I’ve been texting with an old buddy from a long time ago and I’m sitting looking at my phone. I’m like, “What can I say right now? How do I say this?” And he’s going through something hard and I’m like, “I want to send something really good.” And I write out three sentences and then I just delete the whole thing. And then I write another sentence and I delete the thing. And I’m like, “Ah, thank God.” And he is like, “Can I call you?” I’m like, “Yes.” And he called in. We got to talk. But-

I think you just said something really important though. And that’s the ability to edit-

Before sending.

To edit yourself. Yeah. To think through, what am I about to say right now and how’s it going to impact me and the other person-

I saw-

… and be willing to delete it.

A meme about this. It was like when you’ve written out your whole frustration and complaint in a text message, and then the Holy Spirit convicts your heart and you delete the whole thing.

That’s funny.

But you just said back. Okay.

I usually feel convicted after I send it.

After you send it, you’re like, “Oh, no”-

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I think you feel… Yeah. It’s like a post-texting regret. It’s like, “Are they going to take that? How should I have said that? Are they going to…” Yeah.

I do stress out about after I send things even there’s nothing wrong with the text. But going back to what you were saying about working through your heart and your emotion and big things through text. I feel like, because I like to write, I’d prefer to write it out and send it through a text and talk to you with your face looking at me.

Yeah. Which I get that, but yeah. It’s hard for me because when I get them, I do, I’m like, okay, I can hear it, but I also know you’re really frustrated, so I can’t deal with the emotional side of it and the situation side of it at the same time in a text message.

You just want to speak to the logic of, well, what’s happening?

No, what I’m saying is, yeah, you’re sending me in the text message, here’s what I’m bothered by. And the way you’re sending it, I can tell you’re… I know you’re bothered because you’re letting it be known, but I can’t deal with how you feel and what you’re saying in the text.

In the same response.

It’s hard for me. Where I could be like, “Hey, I get it. It looks like you’re really worked up. Hey, lets just…” I think I actually texted you something today. I said, “I know you’re frustrated, but don’t let that turn into something more than that.”

I thought that was a really good encouragement.

That was. But I’ve never texted someone like that before.

That was great.

Because I was having a hard time. I was like, “Okay, what do I say? How do I do this?

I love that we were both working on our text messaging skills knowing that this is coming. Okay. So for me, just to add to the guilt I have about answering your question, if I’m frustrated about you forgetting to do something or-

Or how I was or communicated or-

Yeah.

Something I did. Yeah.

How I text is much colder than just a gentle reminder to do what you say. I’m being motivated by anger, not love. I recognize that about myself and I’ve been working on it.

But is there something that I’ve done, I’ve texted, a way of I am with text messages that bothers you or it gets to you?

I think for me, because you don’t use text to say too much. You just admitted that you don’t. You use it for short things or get the next point across.

It’s rare.

It’s Rare.

That I write large texts.

There’s a part of me that gets frustrated when I feel like you’re being unresponsive, but you’re not ever intentionally not responding to me. It’s just your answer either short or there is a gap of time. And I’m-

Right. I’m outside-

… trying to figure it out.

… and you text me and I didn’t feel it buzz. I didn’t feel it.

Or yeah whatever the reason is.

And then I check it later. I’m like, “Oh, hey.” And you’re like, “It’s been 30 minutes. Where… What do you…” And you’re like frustrated.

It’s been long too.

Yeah, it’s been two minutes.

I do get insecure though, even if there’s no tension between us and there’s nothing wrong and I’ve reached out to you via text and there’s no response, I do get insecure. Because I’m like, “He always answers the phone when he is next to me for his buddies or other people.”

You think I’m for some reason ignoring you?

Yeah.

Which I’m not.

I know. You always affirm that.

And I want to remind you now, I never ignore your-

I know.

If I don’t have to.

I’m working on that. Also, just in general, what’s hard about texting, especially serious things is that it’s stripped of the facial expressions, the tone of voice and the eye contact. Which I just made it sound like during hard things I don’t like that having to face you. But that’s to me, with intimate conversations, you need those things.

You need the whole right gambit of… Yeah. Well, because you-

How we process and how we learn and how we hear and how we receive, it’s all through everything.

Well, often we misconstrue what someone’s saying because we hear it from how we think they’re saying it, and then they’re saying it from how they’re actually saying it. But sometimes those don’t line up.

They just don’t like that.

Yeah. Well, that’s a reality. You actually see it a lot on social media. I’ll be reading through comments and someone will say something and I’ll take it one way, but then I’ll read all the responses to the comment and everyone else took it another way. I’m like, how they take it that way? Because everyone’s got their own way of hearing something. You might use a word that just it sits a certain way in you, or you put a combination of words together and they’re like, “Oh, I don’t like that.” But-

I think there’s a couple of emojis out there floating around too that mean one thing. But people use it thinking it’s another.

Like the praying hands. And it’s like… I think it is praying hands, but they’re like… I was today’s old when I found out, it’s two people high-fiving. I was like-

Which so works, right? Yeah.

Looks like Craig hands. Emojis.

Anyways, so what do we love about being able to text? What do you love about being able to text?

Well, I like that it’s quicker than a phone call. And it’s also more discrete. A text message, I could be… If I’m working a text message doesn’t require me to stop everything. I can do a quick response and then go back. But a phone call, I can’t work and be on the phone. I have to… Especially me, if I’m on a phone I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed. I just start pacing and I’m like, I go in a different world-

Yeah.

… when I’m talking on the phone.

I notice that.

But a text message, I can just take a quick response, put it down, and I can move on. So I like that its quick and efficient.

That’s cool.

I like that. I also really like that it’s written down so I can go back to… I’m like, “Oh, never.”-

Like when I send you lists for the store.

That’s a necessity.

Hey can you grab this for me?

In our household, text lists are necessities.

Because you will forget.

Yeah. Well, if you hate this, because you’ll be like, “Hey, I just need you to grab bread and milk.” I’m like, “Can you send me a text?” And you’re like, “Are you serious?” I’m like, “You’d be surprised.” And she’s always surprised because she’ll send me the list of the six things that I need, and I’ll still forget something in the store. I think that’s common for something that.

[inaudible 00:17:17] About that.

But I need that text message list.

You know what I really love about text messaging is the random I love you or thinking about you types of texts. I think that those really flirty.

Like today when I was eating with the kids and I said, “Hey, I’m here. Do you want me to get you something?”

Yes. That was really sweet.

That was me being intentional.

And I wasn’t hungry, so I didn’t want anything, but-

I got you an iced tea instead.

I loved it.

Oh, I didn’t tell you this, but Olive bought that for you.

She told me.

Okay.

She said she had brought money with, and that she was really excited to use-

She’s like, “Can I use this?” I’m like, well, maybe we can give it as a tip. And she said… And then when I said I was going to eat iced tea, she’s like, “I’ll buy mommy iced tea.” I’m like, “Okay.”

That was really sweet.

And she was so excited when she got change back, you should have saw her face. Her eyes got so big. I was like, “This is your change.” It was like 50 cents.

That’s awesome.

Her 49 cents. I was like, “Here you go.”

That was really sweet. Very thoughtful also like especially when I know that there’s no tension between us. There’s nothing going on. There’s no reason for me to expect any bad news or anything like that. So the spontaneity of seeing my phone alert up with your name on it, I just… It’s like getting mail.

Yeah like, “Oh, my husband’s”-

How’s it? How’s this going to affect me? How’s this going to change my day? Does he want to go somewhere? I don’t know. It’s just fun.

Yeah. I get a lot of those from you of, “Hey, what are you are you doing? Hey Are you”-

Moving on-

“Hey, come here. Hey…” Because you love me.

I love Aaron. I get bored without him.

Oh, man. I think we do a lot of fun things with each other, sending pictures of family. When you’re gone, which is not often enough, of course. But I love taking pictures with the kids, things we’re doing at same too. And it makes you like-

I love that.

You’re like, “Oh, awesome.”

Because it makes me think that you’re thinking of me while I’m gone, but also like, Hey, the kids are still alive.

You do the same thing.

They’re happy.

You send pictures of you and the kids playing and being cute. So I love those random pictures. I think probably the majority of our photos that we have of our kids are probably in text messages.

Yeah. Probably.

We should go through that. Download all those.

What else? Is there anything else that you-

Yeah. So the discretion of it. That it’s a discrete form of communication we can do. We always can do, when we’re in public places or around a lot of people, we can send secret messages to each other.

Yes, we can. My kind of secret message, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I like to tell Aaron when they’re in the presence of friends or even new company, and I need something from him, but I don’t want everyone to know or, “Hey, can you go check on the kids?”

Or you like to use it to check myself before I wreck myself, type situations?

Yeah. Exactly.

Hey Aaron, be careful the things you’re saying right now. I get a bzz. I look down.

Hey, you have a booger in your nose.

And then I look up and you’re just staring at me waiting for me to respond. Look back at you.

Okay. We need to move on. Let me see.

I have used this text messaging in the past to share things that I’ve had a hard time sharing out loud. And it’s not often, but there’s been a few times that I would-

With me?

Yeah. Where I would share with you, “Hey, this is something that’s going on in my heart and I just wanted to share with you.” It’s not often because I would rather do it in person.

I feel like you majority do it in person.

But there has been a few times that it’s been helpful in that way.

Yeah. Especially in moments where there’s another obligation. And so we have to be apart for some reason. And even in those moments, for me, it’s like I’ll usually shoot you like, “Hey, I’m really sorry for how I just left left you or left the house,” and then you’re like, “I forgive you.”

I love having all those, I’m sorrys in text form because then I can-

You have proof.

… take screenshots. I have proof.

Stop it.

And I can scroll through all of them.

Oh my goodness.

Remind you, see right here you did say you were sorry.

Okay. Probably one of the most positive ways we use text messaging is just to make each other laugh. I don’t know if you guys can hear the lightness in our relationship through podcasting, but we love to make each other laugh. We love to be funny. We love to tell jokes. I love to tell jokes. I google jokes and then I send them to him.

You do?

I send them to all my friends too. They think I’m weird.

You also are the meme master of our church, and you like to send memes to everyone when you find them. I think Cody’s the second one be because… But his, all of his-

Or about Ford.

Or about Ford trucks.

We just called him out on podcast. Sorry Cody. We love you.

Cody, if you’re listening, we need some Ford memes. Okay. Do we see texting as an intimate thing?

I think so. In the sense that… So we’re just going about our day and one of us texts each other. You immediately have your eyes and your heart and attention right there in front of you. Which means that whatever we say, whatever we’re sending is really important. Even if it’s not important, it’s just, it’s from that person that you love.

Yeah. I think-

That is intimate.

Well, I think it gets, I was just mentioning about sharing hard things. Something that was hard for me to share verbally. Where you wanting to share things that you don’t want to wait to share verbally, you want to get it quickly to me. I think that in that sense there, it’s intimate where we can send shorter written down bits of our heart. Things that are on our minds and hearts, and it could just become solidified. We talked about in a few episodes ago about writing things down, text messages out is that form of communication. It’s writing it down. And now these days we get to send it digitally and it happens instantly. And I think so. I think it is a very intimate thing. And I think on another hand, it should also be something that’s very private to just us, where that is something that I don’t share for the most part. Maybe here and there different situations that I share a text message from you to someone else. But that’s like our private communication channel is text messages.

I do love that. I have that with you.

Yeah.

It’s fun. Well, like I mentioned earlier, we titled this episode The Art of Texting, because we recognize that everyone expresses themselves through texting differently, and every relationship and the way that they communicate between spouses will look different. And that’s good. There’s no-

So there can be no rule book.

Right, exactly.

Just general Ideas of how to Operate.

Exactly. That’s what I’m trying to say. So I think it would be good for us to consider how being mindful and intentional about how we text, it can add to cultivating healthy relationships.

And an encouragement for all of us, all of our listeners is… We always go back to this, talk to your spouse, have a conversation, be like, “Hey, we communicate. Is there anything that I do that bothers you when I’m texting you?”

Or what can I text you that would make you feel really good?

Yeah. Or what kinds of things would you like me to text you? What encouragements do you need to hear from me? Would you like scripture? Would you like prayers? Would you like me to send you memes? Just talk through those things and make it a conversation.

Or if you have something to share with your spouse, like, “Hey, I noticed that it takes you a long time to get back to me. And sometimes my insecurity gets in the way and I start to”-

Can you just do it quicker?

Is there any way? Yeah. And maybe they don’t realize that they’re a slow responder, but they can work on that. I think it’s important to remember a big part of communication is listening. So are you willing to go into a conversation about something like texting or other ways of communicating with each other?

Or being able to say, “Hey, I know that you don’t like it when I don’t respond right away, but I want you to know that I will always do my best to respond to you, and I will never”-

Reassuring,

“I never intentionally ignore you.”

Reassuring them and affirm them. Totally. Those things are important. And both parties need to allow for the text relationship to grow, the ability-

Our text relationship.

Our skills to grow to get better.

Yeah. I like that. It’s a skill, like communicating via text and using it as an awesome tool to use in your marriage.

Yeah. This is one of those episodes where it’s like, why are we talking about this? Well, we can go about our day and not realize that texting is actually a really big part of what we do. I think I saw another statistic that said that there’s a pretty big range, and this was years ago, but it was anywhere between 40 to a hundred text messages a day, just going in and out.

For some people it’s probably like 5,000.

It could be, I know with me, with all my jokes, I send a lot of text messages out. But on a serious note, with this being something that we all pretty much do on a regular basis, it should be something we talk about. And so for us to come to you today and not stop you in your tracks, but give you something to think about and chew on, hopefully you guys can bring it to the table.

Right. So we have some things that we can consider and be considerate of and be on the lookout for when it comes to how we use texting.

To avoid hurt fillings and to make sure that we’re using our skill the best way we can.

Well, it’s being thoughtful about how we’re using it. So the first one is be patient to share texts when your spouse is busy, preoccupied and can’t respond. So-

Don’t bombard them with a bunch of things.

When you know they’re in the middle of something that they can’t be bombarded with a bunch of things.

And why is this one on here? Because I struggle with this. I know that I do.

Or when I’m go out to spend time with a friend and you text me the whole time I’m out.

Hey, what are you are you doing? Yeah.

Are you enjoying Yourself? How’s it going? Oh. You didn’t send me pictures of your dessert.

I’m bad.

Sometimes it’s cute.

I’m sorry.

Sometimes.

But I’ll work on that. The next one is be patient to hear back from them too when they’re busy. So if you know that your spouse is busy and can’t respond, don’t expect that quick response.

I will add a little caveat to this. If you are the one that got received the text message and you can’t do a full response right away-

Say that.

If you can, “Hey, can’t respond, will soon.” Something quick. That’s a cool way to do it. But again, being patient, knowing that they will respond when they’re ready, when they can. Wait. Here’s another one. Wait to share deep or harsh feelings until you are in person, or for those who are separated by distance, because that happens-

And you can’t FaceTime.

… and you can’t FaceTime. Take time to pray over and clearly write out what you have to say in a nice way.

So being respectful, being kind.

I like that. A respectful way actually.

Another one is don’t rely on just emojis or shortness of words.

Especially if you use the wrong emoji.

Or shortness of words. Take time to say what matters.

That’s good. So you tell me you want me to text larger, longer?

I’ll say this. Mix it up.

Mix it up.

But I’m saying that to myself because I’ve been called out on just using the cool emoji with the glasses way too much or saying the word Okay or cool.

Cool.

I know.

What does that mean? It means cool. Everything’s fine. Okay. Don’t use words that repel each other. So I’m sure we all have. We know when there’s that word, that thing that we want to say that we know that’s going to just poke. And just to avoid that, not use it to be intentionally mean.

Use words to attract each other. Be colorful. Be-

Oh, that’s good. No, don’t repel-

… lighthearted.

That’s good.

Yeah. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Don’t say something you don’t mean and don’t…

So don’t be passive-aggressive.

Or manipulative.

Or manipulative.

Yeah.

Try not to be quick to offense. This is something that, it’s how we receive texts. Because they write something to us and then whether we’re already irritable or frustrated or having a hard day or-

See it through that lens.

… we might look at it and be like, “Huh, why’d they say that?” Or “Don’t they understand this?” Or be first curious, see if they meant it, how you took it.

Is that do you do that by asking them?

Yeah. Either ask, “Hey, just want to know does this mean this? Are you irritated?” Ask those questions and No, no, this is what I meant. Or wait to ask them in person. And then the last one, be careful how you talk about the other people via text. This was a little note I added on. I think sometimes, I mean, there’s always going to be some relationships that we’re navigating external relationships and we talk about it in person. Sometimes that trickles over into text messages, “So and so did this can you…” And I think we should be very careful as believers on what we’re texting, how we’re texting about other people.

That’s good.

Because again, we’re putting those things down on paper. We’re making a digital work.

In general, I mean, we should be careful that what’s being shared via text, is it something you want public?

Exactly. Because in privacy we might be flushing through a thought process. Some feelings. So things might be said that you won’t want repeated, but they get said and they get worked out between the privacy and safety of you and your spouse. But the moment you text it that it could be public. Its now down and semi-permanent in text message form. So I would just say, be careful about how we talk about other people to each other via text.

Now let’s talk about how texting can be used for good in marriage. So here’s just a list of ways to tuck away and draw from when you want to encourage your spouse.

That first one says, complaining about each other.

No. Complimenting.

Oh, complimenting each other.

Share a compliment. If you notice something nice they’ve done lately or how they looked or whatever, it could be about anything.

I do really appreciate these. Sometimes when you send a text, especially when we’re around friends, you’ll be like, “You look really good right now.” Or “Your arms look big.” I don’t know. You’ll say something like that. And then I look at you and you just smile at me.

Make you blush.

Yeah, you make me blush.

Okay. Letting your spouse know you’re thinking about them. And this can be done in a lot of ways, but like Aaron said earlier, you texted me, “Hey, do you want a thing on the way home?” That was really sweet.

And I thought to myself, she’ll think this is really sweet.

It was.

I know. Because you like being thought about. You love being thought about.

This one goes with complimenting, but sharing affirmation or why you’re grateful or appreciative.

So essentially using this digital form of communication as a way of sending these just encouragements affirmations, reminders. Just beautiful things too.

Yeah. Think to yourself, how do you want to uplift your spouse today? How can you use text message for obviously to accommodate all the busyness of life? Because there’s a lot of tasks and to-dos and reminders and things, but how can you also use it for good and to encourage.

This one’s a fun one. Sharing details on a spontaneous adventure. I like when I get a text message of, “Hey, I got a babysitter for tonight. We’re going to dinner with some friends.” I’m like-

Oh, yes.

“That’s cool.” Just getting that little bit of information that just gets me so excited for the evening.

Yeah. You’ve done it too. If you’ll be away working on something and you’ll text me, “Hey, get the kids ready. I’m coming home and we’re going to go to lunch.” And something like that.

Or let’s go to the jump park, the trampoline park.

Remembering it feels good to get mail. So I mentioned this earlier, this feeling of like, “Oh, I just saw your name pop up on my phone. What’s it going to say?” And that excitement, that curiosity. I like that.

Okay. I want to stop us for a minute because I just thought about something that I think with that last one, remembering it feels good to get mail. I know we’re talking about our relationship with our spouses. All great, but I want to take a moment and remind us that text message is an awesome and powerful way of reaching out to someone else. I’ll do this a lot. I can’t always do a phone call, but someone will be on my mind that I haven’t talked to in a while that lives in another state and just shooting a text message, “Hey, how are you? I’m thinking about you. How can I pray for you?”

That’s good.

You haven’t talked to this person in a long time, but just doing that reach out. Remember, it feels good to get mail, especially from someone that’s long way away that you haven’t seen in a while. Use it as a way to minister to someone. The same that way it’s going to bless your spouse, it’s going to bless anyone. And you’ll be really surprised at how the Holy Spirit work uses that. There’s been so many times that I reach out just randomly and they’re like, “Man, I needed that. Yes, please pray for me. I’m going through this thing right now.” I’m like, “Oh my goodness. I didn’t even know,” because they weren’t going to just reach out and tell me. So I just wanted to-

No. It’s really good. [inaudible 00:34:22] I love that.

Side railing.

The next one, super easy. Shoot them a verse. Just copy paste. It’s so encouraging.

We actually do this a lot in our… We have our guys’ text message group.

Like a thread group thread?

Yeah. And the guys will share scripture that they’re reading. And then sometimes they’ll even share why-

Expand on it.

Yeah. Why it’s blessing them and what they got out of it. But we do it for each other too.

In the girls-

And it should be more. I actually don’t feel like I’ve sent you a verse. Actually, no. I sent you two verses the other morning.

You did, from Job. Yeah. That was awesome. In the girls group, we do the same thing. They’ll share what’s on their heart, what the Lord’s been teaching them. But they’ll also shoot links to songs that have been really powerful.

Oh, yeah. The guys do that sometimes too.

That’s awesome.

And then they send Ford memes. So use text messages to speak to a need or a hard circumstance.

So you’ve done this for me before, knowing that I’m going into a conversation that might be a little bit hard for me, or just going about my day with the kids and knowing that it’s on my mind. You’ll speak… You’ll text me something that speaks to that circumstance and remind me of the truth. You remind me of what God’s word says. You remind me of who I am and that I can handle hard things. And that’s always good.

Yeah. You were just going to have a conversation with someone recently that you were nervous about and you’re like, you wanted to encourage them, but you weren’t exactly sure how to. And after you left, I just sent you, we just remember your whole goal is to remind them of the gospel. Your whole goal is to remind them of God’s love for them and just to encourage them. And you were like, “Thank you.” And it is just that little thing to remind you of what you’re doing. Again, simple things. Wish them a good day, “Hey, I hope you have a good day, babe.”

That’s part of that. Thinking about you.

And then this one goes with what we’ve done with all of our books. Like our 31 prayers for my husband, 31 prayers for my wife. Send them a prayer, pray for them. And that, you could just write that out just as you’re… You know what you could do. Actually put the voice-to-text on and just pray for your wife.

Oh, that’s good.

And let it… Write it out.

They can hear your voice.

Or you can either do the voice audio or just have it. It’ll dictate, it’ll write it all out. Make sure you go back and check autocorrect though.

That’d be interesting.

But that’s an easy way to write out a prayer for your spouse. I think they’d be really blessed by that.

Hopefully with that list, you guys have some tools in your tool belt to go text a little something this week that would encourage your spouse.

And it’ll go into our growth spurt that we’re talking about where you could probably use your romantic gesture that way too.

Oh, yeah. We’ll talk about that in a second. Before we wrap up this episode, we wanted to encourage you guys with a couple of verses that we found that, obviously the Bible doesn’t talk specifically about the art of texting, but it does share a whole lot about the power of our words and our behavior. And we’ve shared, we have a whole backlog of podcasts talking about the power of our words and words matter. So you guys can go back and listen to those. But the two verses that we did pull out, we’ll share with you. I thought they were interesting. So Proverbs 15:28 says, “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.” And so again, this isn’t clearly about texting, but when you go to think about how you’re going to respond to your spouse or what you’re going to say to them because of this thing that happened or anything really.

Pondering what you say before you say it. Not just quickly throwing out a message and just letting it be what it is. But think about it. Write it down, erase it, write it down.

Pray about it.

Yeah. And then Philippians 2:4 it says, “Let each of you look not only to his own interest, but also to the interest of others.” So again, this is this idea of not just expecting something from your spouse. Like, “Oh, well, they never text me. They don’t answer me. They don’t.”

So you’re not going to like-

How am I going to… I want to reach out to them. I want to serve them in this way. I want to love them in this way. I want to text them and remind them of this.

To me, this verse speaks to that part of me that is always wanting to utilize the quick and speediness of texting to let you help me with something, whether it’s stopping by the grocery store or taking the kids somewhere, or whatever the thing is that I’m asking you to do throughout the day. But instead, looking not only to my own interests, which is, “Hey, make sure you get these things done,” but also to the interest of others, which would be, “What about you?” How can I utilize my ability to text you to think about what your needs are or what you hope for, or what you desire. And so, I don’t know, just taking my mind off myself and putting it toward you.

That’s good. That’s good for all of us. So the gross spurt this month we’re focusing on love and action. And the specific one for February is try romantic gesture for your spouse.

So If you haven’t had the ability to pull this off yet, you still have time because we have a few more days left in February. Or if you’re just joining us and you’re like, what is this growth spurt? It’s just an opportunity that we’re extending to you guys to join alongside of us and participate in growing yourself personally and in your marriage. So I wanted to share that. I intentionally went out of my way to make you a few different ramen dishes.

And they were good.

They were really good.

And the reason that’s… For everyone listening, why that’s a romantic gesture is because you are not prone to make-

I stick to the same thing.

… Asian dishes. But you went out of your way and you got all these ingredients and the raw, oh, it was really good.

It was really flavorful. And I haven’t done anything like that since high school when I used to do Top Ramen, which is on a whole different level.

Is it? Remember Top Ramen? I loved Top Ramen.

I loved it. Anyways-

Top rabbit, cup noodles, all the things.

So speaking to Aaron’s love language of food. That was my romantic gesture.

I love food. I need to work on a romantic gesture still.

Okay.

Just to be honest.

There’s no guilt in that.

But I love you.

I love you too.

Yeah. I will show it. So we love y’all. So we’re going to end it with a prayer.

Dear Lord, thank you for reminding us today that how we communicate in marriage truly matters. Our words are powerful whether we use many words or just a few. We pray we would intentionally use our words to clearly communicate. We also ask you to guard and protect our hearts from being easily offended when someone doesn’t communicate well and we experience hurt. Please help us to walk in understanding and grace with one another. May you be glorified in us and in every conversation we have, whether in person or over texting. Please help us to be thoughtful as we use modern technology to communicate with each other. We also pray we would use the opportunities we have each day to share encouragement with each other and lift each other up. In Jesus’ name. Amen.