Most Wives Find This Hard To Talk About With Their Husbands

I post on my Facebook page regularly. The Community of wives that are part of the page are significant to me. I have been posting marriage encouragement on Facebook for the last 4 years everyday, every three hours during the day. Sometimes I am able to schedule out posts in advance, but the majority of my posts are live. I share what I am feeling and what God is teaching me.

This helps me be authentic with the UW Community and it forces me to rely on God to inspire what I should post about. I want to be relevant because I desire to encourage you, where you are at.

So, the other day I wrote what was on my heart…

I didn’t realize how this small post would hit a heart string in the Community. But it did. As you can see above by all the likes, shares and comments.

This tells me that there are many wives who feel this way. Many wives feeling the need to be close to their husbands. And many wives who find it hard to to about with their husbands.

I read through some of the comments and felt the urge to share some of them here, starting with the most liked response with 105 wives “liking” what she said:

Yes I do feel this way sometimes. We’ve been together for almost 12 years now. At first I was expecting him to read my cues. Then he told me that I needed to let him know how I feel because he wasn’t a mind reader. Now I can just go up to him and tell him ” I need you to just hold me in your arms and cuddle with me.” When I’m in his arms I feel safe, protected, and loved and for that moment it seems like all my worries disappear. – Maria M.

I can totally relate to Maria. I would often expect my husband to read my cues or my mind and when he didn’t I interpreted that as he didn’t care and he didn’t love me. Having the courage and confidence to tell my husband exactly what I need has blessed our marriage dramatically. I would also agree that being in my husband’s arms makes me feel safe, protected and loved.

Yes, and no it’s not easy. – Emily G.

So many of you responded this way. “Yes, I feel this way. No, it is not easy to communicate this need to my husband.” Why?

What do you think is keep you from communicating this need to your husband?

I believe open and honest conversations are so vital to having a healthy marriage. God revealed this to me by my fourth year of marriage and this is essentially what it means to be unveiled. Evaluating what is keeping you from being open with your husband is super important. I also challenge you to take the first step by doing! Talk to him. Then keep doing it! The more you communicate with your spouse the better the two of you will be at doing it.

I do feel like this. Especially right now as I am struggling with some serious health issues. He has been my rock through ER visits, specialist visits, tests, scans and this crazy emotional roller coaster. I specifically remember last week when I was in the ER in excruciating pelvic pain, I was finally getting some rest between tests and after some IV pain meds and as I dozed off, he drew his chair near my hospital bed and just held my hand. He always makes me feel safe and comforted. – Meri M.

We do this every night before we go to sleep. We make it a point to spend that time together (to talk and cuddle). 20+ years and still going strong!! – Leslie U.

I think men can be hurtful in calling a women needy if she expresses a need for more intimacy and affection. That just creates a feeling of rejection. My husband doesn’t always say this but he has and it’s very hurtful. Men do not understand how important intimacy is to a women. They get very lazy. – Christiana C.

The truth is we are needy. God designed us with needs that can be fulfilled by our spouse. We need each other! And yes the rejection can hurt horribly. My encouragement is to continue to share with your husband why intimacy is important to you. Communication, calm communication – not highly intense, emotionally driven communication – can help provide understanding and growth. Also, you should be praying for this part of your marriage to improve.

No. He wouldn’t understand it and would push me away after a few minutes. – Susan P.

Could be hormonal? – Fiona B.

It absolutely and most likely is hormonal. Hormones are constantly running through our bodies telling us what our bodies need. It is critical to be aware of the hormonal effects going on in your body especially after major events like having a child, menopause, and when you are on your period. Being that hormones are involved does not lessen the existence of our needs. But being aware of our hormones is important because we can talk ourself down off the emotional ledge. Have self-restraint and approach your husband by communicating your needs to him in a respectful way.

Why do we feel this way? Is it that they are not making us feel secure from the things that have happened in the past. – Jo Ann K.

I think sometimes what has occurred in the past can definitely leave lasting scars that we feel. If we allow insecurities to build up from those scars, we can perceive our marriage relationship a certain way and many times talk ourselves out of sharing heart matters with our husbands. I think the best thing we can do for our marriage is keep communicating with our spouse, whether about our needs or about the past or anything else. And being aware of the past and how it may be affecting you will help you get to the healing you truly desire.

I literally texted my husband a couple hours ago telling him that I need to lay on his chest tonight. It’s the only place in the world that makes me feel safe and takes all my worry and concern away. Of course he loves it too. Such a great time to connect even if we don’t say anything. I can’t wait till he’s home from work! – Tiffani H.

Yep, all the time. Don’t tell him about it though. He’s always busy. – Cali R.

I feel that way all the time I am awake. My husband passed away 2 months ago and what I wouldn’t give just to speak to him again. I gave him all the love and attention I could for 51 years though. I am blessed. – Margaret R.

I responded to Margaret on Facebook, but I thought it was necessary to share my response for all of you wives who have experienced the devastation of losing your husband.

I’m so sorry for your loss! Such a testimony you have shared with us. Hoping I can look back and say I was a generous wife when we reach 51 years!

I truly am so sorry for your loss! I can’t imagine or fathom the longing you have to be close to your husband. A word of encouragement to all of us who still have ours is to take advantage of every moment you have to be close with your husband while he is still with you.

I did last night. I needed to talk to him and feel he understood and he really listened to me and I did feel much better! I should say that it hasn’t always been easy for my husband to respond to my need to share certain things with him but we have both worked on it. I have learned not to expect him to fulfill all my needs and I have leaned on God for that! – Dawn Z.

Thanks for sharing Dawn! I think it is important for wives to feel confident in approaching their husband and sharing their needs. It won’t always be easy or feel comfortable, but working on it leads to being better at it! And your second point is of utmost importance on this topic. We cannot expect our husbands to fulfill our needs. We must lean on God for our needs to be met. I share about my revelation of expectations and my reliance on God in my new book The Unveiled Wife.

That’s been me recently the last week I told him and his response was “I’m a guy babe. I don’t know what women want. But if you tell me what you want and need I’ll make it happen the best I can.” It was definitely a special moment of understanding between us. I’ve needed to be up under him or wrapped up with him. – Dominique M.

Thanks for sharing a man’s point of view with us Dominique. It is not always that they are insensitive or don’t care, most of the time we just need to tell them!

These type of feelings are normal. Let’s all pray for each other to.be more understanding. – Brittany

Amen Brittany! We should be in prayer about our needs. We should also lift up other wives who struggle with this need of being close with their husband and having the courage to honestly talk to them about it. Let us also add a prayer for husbands to be understanding and willing to fulfill this need in us and cultivate intimacy in marriage.

…and then there was this thread in the comments…I am sharing it with you because it was a blessing to read the encouragement pouring out from other wives to hurting wives in our community! Thank you ladies for loving each other so well!

Jackie: I have been married for forty one years. I have NEVER been able to share my deepest thoughts, fears or feelings with him. I feel I have missed so much because he won’t let me in. He never shared his loss when his mom passed and since my dad has passed I am afraid to share my pain with him. We are both Christian and attend church but I can’t share with him.

Aja: Mrs Jackie, this hurts my heart to read your comment to this post. I have only been married to my husband for two years and already have found out that he does not “feel” things the way that I do. At first it scared me, because I was thinking he would get mad at me every time I get angry or cry. But that’s not the case. I am beginning to understand that God put him in my life so that my emotions would not lead me to a dark place like they have before. He is good at helping me calm down and come back to God’s truth. There are times when I am just all caught up in me and my feelings and I can begin to live out of that. Not that I believe that’s what you’re doing, just trying to relate even though I’m sure you have more marriage wisdom than I do:). I guess that’s why God wants the husband and the wife to lay down their life for one another. Because it’s a continuous decision and not just when we feel understood or that we are connecting. Continued prayer is also a must. God commanded the wives to submit because that’s the more difficult thing for us to do, and He commanded the men to love us because that’s the more difficult thing for them to do. Praying that you and your husband will become more intimate in the coming years and that no matter how it feels, even if there seems to be no feeling at all, that you continue to lay down your lives for each other. In this day and age we need more long lasting lifetime marriages like yours.

Tasha: I think you should communicate exactly how you feel to your husband… It might be a long time you guys are together but things can go sour as so many marriages are being destroyed by things that could’ve been prevented in the first place. communication is VERY important in any relationship and it’s NEVER too late to fall in love with your man again. 🙂 Don’t neglect each others emotional needs it’s important.

Tasha: If any at all you are passing by the bookshop you can pick up the five (5) love languages by Gary Chapman it has so many important information about love, marriages and communication. We help each other doesn’t matter what age we are and I’m open to any advice on this topic as well 🙂

Jackie: Thank you both, we obviously have a lot of love for each other to have made it this long, but this one area is important to me.

Brittany: I commend you Jackie for staying in a marriage for this many years without being able to share your feelings with him and vice versa… I feel like giving up on my husband and it’s only been 4 very short years! Whats the secret? My prayers are what gets me through the days.

Jackie: Brittany, my faith has carried me through and so many prayers. He only started attending church with me about fifteen years. Before that it was even much harder as he mocked my faith. I told him I would choose God over him any day, wasn’t long after that he started going and has changed so much.

Tasha: I know I’m young and new at this Brittany but I’m imploring you not to give up so soon… You probably need to remind your husband of the reasons why he fell in love with you vice versa… Never stop dating each other… This is where the for better for worst comes in but I believe you have SO MUCH BETTER in the future that lies ahead 🙂

Brittany: Thanks ladies! I do love him very much. I will follow the will of the good Lord until he calls me home.