My husband was addicted to pornography well before we were married. He had mentioned to me his struggle with it while we were dating, and although I was frustrated with him over this issue, we were both convinced it wouldn’t be a struggle once we were married.
Marriage did not fix his porn problem.
There were many times my husband told me that he had slipped up and viewed pornography. Each time came with a humble apology and a desire to reconcile. He didn’t want this to be an issue anymore.
I went through different and many emotions every time he told me, and my responses were always motivated by them, matching the intensity to which I felt them.
I have wept, I have yelled, I have sat silent paralyzed by fear and insecurity. There were times that I reprimanded and lectured my husband, times that I forgave him with understanding, and other times I tried to get out of that conversation as quickly as I could, distracting myself from the sting of the pain.
My husband is and has always been a good man, but not perfect. As much as I want him to be perfect, he isn’t. Only Jesus is perfect. But just because he isn’t perfect, and will sin, does not mean he has permission to keep on sinning. As a Christian, my husband has the ability to walk in the Spirit and to walk in victory. This truth took time for him to receive and believe.
My husband’s pornography addiction wrecked me. You can read about that here.
Even still I loved him. I loved him very much.
There were moments that I hated what he was doing and other times that I didn’t like him for it, but I always loved him.
I had a resolve in my heart to love him. Mostly because I knew I was a sinner too, and God loved me. I took that love I received from the Father and used it to love my husband.
I didn’t love my husband because he earned it or deserved it, I loved him because he needed to be loved. Just like I needed to be loved. I loved him because I was convinced that God’s love through me was more powerful than what he was searching for in pornography. I hoped for him to be set free and I prayed he would be a man of integrity, purity, righteousness, honor, and love.
I loved my husband because of the good times we shared together, unwilling to lose our friendship over this issue. I loved my husband because I desired to have a healthy marriage. I loved my husband because I had a vision of our life together where God reigned supreme and sin was no more. I loved my husband because God said to love others, and as much as he is my husband, he is also my brother in Christ.
I loved my husband when he was addicted to porn because I knew the man he was capable of being and I knew he would become that man as God refined him.
It is one thing to say you love someone and another to prove it. There were many times I wrestled with this in those early years of marriage. There were many times I wanted just saying the words to be enough. But love is an action, it is a verb.
Here are the ways I loved my husband when he was addicted to pornography:
I continued to be affectionate with him.
I prayed for him.
I forgave him.
I went on dates with him, and enjoyed his friendship.
I talked with him.
I was vulnerable with him.
I served him.
I supported him.
I helped protect him.
I helped keep him accountable.
I encouraged him to be a man of God.
I was kind to him.
I gave him scriptures to dwell on.
I played with him.
I held his hand often.
I dreamed of our future with him.
I worked alongside him.
I built up trust with him.
I was patient with him.
I didn’t do these things perfectly, but I did do them intentionally.
Walking through this issue with my husband was one of the most painful things we have experienced. It was even more difficult because the world will tell us that “porn is ok” and on the other hand, the world will support a husband and wife severing their marriage because of it. My heart was conflicted from every angle.
Pornography is lethal to marriage.
The only reason my marriage is strong today and my husband does not use or view porn is because of the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives.
God helped me to love and forgive my husband, and be reconciled to him. God healed my heart of the pain and brokenness. God changed my husband. God gets the glory here! And it is God who can help you and your husband if there is a porn problem in your marriage.
My husband walks free today, no longer addicted to pornography. He has written a few articles about it on his blog if you want to read more:
