Dear Ricki,
The last 18 months have passed by in a whirlwind. We have watched our son hit home-runs, bake, ride a bike, open presents, give & receive hugs, bring home perfect report cards…the list goes on. He is the product of love—our love. Unfortunately, that love has become something like a repeated event on the phone calendar that you just brush over while scrolling to see what time the next PTO meeting is. The “I Love You’s” are heard less and less, the “goodnights” left behind as we roll back to back for the next round of zzzz’s.
As grim a picture as that is, we have one more major obstacle that has hindered our travels together—an ugly word called “depression.” It is a disease that festers in one’s self, grows at an alarmingly fast rate, and then finally blossoms into a life-altering feeling of unworthiness, negativity & separation from those who love you most. I have struggled to find my way into your mind to make this feeling go away. I have prayed until the words & tears take over my soul. My future outlook has gone from pleasure to pain. I have struggled with what to do next–leave, wrap you in my arms, ignore you, give up, give in–all to no avail.
The biggest question that plagues my days is, “Why doesn’t he love me enough to get the help he needs?” Why isn’t it enough that I have lost breath when I consider what my life might be without you in it? This letter to you may sound like it’s only filled with my pain. What I really need you to take from it is my 22 years of love—love that has experienced ups & downs, and one that longs only to have you hear me shout to the top of a mountain that I love every part of you–depressed, happy, angry–all of it. I miss hugging you, kissing you & laughing with you.
My new question has become, “How can I show him how loved he is?” I refuse to give up on you. I will not give up on us…for better or for worse. Use our love as your stepping stone towards loving yourself. I will be right beside you.
Kat
