I had a wife email me, asking me how I got over the pain from my husband confessing his addiction to pornography. It took me a minute to figure out how to respond to her. I wanted to share with her because I know in my heart I truly forgive my husband and I have been able to move past the offenses. I also wanted to encourage her because my husband and I are more intimate in our marriage now, than we ever have been…and I hoped that her and her husband could attain that too.
I know God has healed us from the destruction of porn use. BUT, this healing took place over the course of a few years! And there were many things that played a role in the healing process as God walked us through it. Writing an email response seemed overwhelming to me. I couldn’t find the words to describe it all, but, I also did not want to leave her without encouragement.
I want to share my response with you today in case you too need immediate encouragement.
Dear Wife,
I had to accept the fact that my husband will fail me, and that he will time and time again in different ways. We were not built to fulfill our spouses completely and we cannot live up to “perfect.” Only One can fulfill us and only One is perfect, He is Christ our Savior. This perspective helped me extend grace and helped me stand by my husband no matter what came our way.
I had to choose to truly forgive my husband.
I had to physically open my hands and throw out all the ugliness and pain I was clutching. I was embittered and afraid of being hurt. I cried and I prayed for me, my husband and our marriage. For you it may be throwing your hands to the heavens, noting it in a journal, or writing it on paper and burning it as a physical representation of letting ‘it’ go. Our hearts our wired in a way where we really connect to physical representations and actions that help us move on.
I had to help my husband. I had to talk to him about it, how the issue made him feel and how it made me feel. Communication is key and I have found transparency in those intimate moments of conversation help heal us.
And always prayer. Give God time, but rest assured He hears you!
Hang in there friend! You have a beautiful family and I believe you will be able to move on! I’m praying for you!
I realize this response is not substantial enough.
I realize there is a lot of pain, marital erosion, distrust and raw wounds from the plight of pornography. I also know that husbands are not the only ones contributing to the issue. Wives are struggling with addiction too.
My heart’s desire and what I am praying through right now is that God helps me write a resource about this very topic. Based on what I experienced in my marriage surrounding this issue of pornography, I want to share about what happened, how we both responded, how God healed us and where we are now, walking in victory. I want to share this hope with others who are in the battle right now. I ask that you please pray with me over this endeavor.
Also, if you feel strongly to share about your heart on this issue please leave a comment. I believe knowing how other women feel will help me navigate what needs to be in this resource. And I’m sorry. I am so sorry that you have had to endure this. God is with us!
