Building A Lasting Marriage: The 3 Most Important Things Every Marriage Needs

If we were to ask anyone “What are the 3 most important things in marriage?”
We would most likely get answers like communication, healthy, sex, life, mutual respect, or financial stability. While all of these are good and true, what if we told you that we believe there is still deeper and more necessary? Things that every marriage needs to not just sustain, but to thrive, things that go before sex, communication and finances. And last far beyond attraction, age and health. Building a lasting marriage is a very action-oriented title to today’s episode. On purpose. It requires you to do the work to put the time in and intentional thought. So today, we are not giving you the expected answers of money, sex, and communication, although they did come up because we all know those are top tier important things in a marriage. No doubt. We do have a list of three things that you might not expect us to chat about, but as we go, we hope we have you shaking your head in agreement.

Hey, we’re Anna Jennifer Smith, your host of the Marriage After God podcast, and this week episode is brought to you by our faithful patron team. These are men and women around the country who have been blessed by our free daily prayer emails and this podcast and have chosen to pay it forward. Here are a few shoutouts to some listeners who have recently joined our patron team, Emily W. Lindsay n and Angela P. We’ve been hosting this podcast since 2018 and we’ve been sending our daily prayer emails since 2015. Praise God that our listeners and sub subscribers grow every year, but naturally so does the cost. So we decided to invite our listeners to partner with us to help cover their expenses so that we can continue to provide these resources for free. If you’re interested in supporting this podcast and our daily prayer emails, please visit marriage after god.com/patron. Also, if you haven’t already, we’d like to invite you to get our free daily prayer email. All you have to do is visit marriage prayer challenge.com and sign up today.

Welcome back to another episode of Marriage After God. We’re happy to be here.

Yeah, I hope everyone had an awesome 4th of July. We had a really fun,

We had a rad barbecue Barbecue, which this barbecue has been coming for the last eight years. Seven years. Nine.

Nine. We only missed one year, and I’m pretty sure it was just last year, the year when we were in the transition. Yeah,

We not

Still do it. I don’t think we did it. I think that was the only year we didn’t do

It anyways. It was top-notch fun.

Let’s just say there was a lot of water being sponge

Around. It always, it turns a little bit chaotic, but it’s always

Somehow ends up in the house

Anyways. That’s your fault. Aaron,

This year was my fault last year

Was haunted with the hose being brought in, but

Last time it was someone else’s fault.

Anyways, we’ve just been having a great time. A lot of firsts this last week or two. So on the 4th of July, friend invited me to run a 5K with her. Oh yeah. That was my first time ever running like that.

And you did the whole thing. We ran the whole thing without stopping. I was very impressed with you. It was

Awesome. My legs are still so, and

You did it in good time. You did it in 35 minutes. Oh really? I didn’t. Yeah. Which is a, it’s about a 10 minute pace. Nice.

Per mile. She had to keep us on pace because there were times that I wanted to go faster, but then there were also times that I wanted to stop. I could not figure out in my mind.

Yeah, that was good though. You did an awesome, that was awesome. That

Was cool. And then another first was I set out this year to learn guitar. So that one of the, for many reasons, but one of the reasons was we do home church and I thought, oh, when the person who usually is there a friend of ours that does lead worship if they can’t do it for some reason, I wanted to be able to step up and help with that. And it was so

Hard. And you did it this last night?

Yeah. Hard. Yeah.

And you did awesome. And all the kids are like, mom, you did amazing. You’re like the best.

It was so fun. But I was so nervous that the first song, song I started playing, it was 10,000 reasons. And I knew I started with that because I knew all the kids would jump in and it was so beautiful to hear their voices. But my hands started shaking from being so nervous. Like the adrenaline, I guess. And so I had to stop halfway through the song. I didn’t even want to finish. But you guys were so encouraging.

Awesome. And it was amazing. And I hope you do it more.

We’ll see.

Well, and I also, first, I went on a three day fishing trip with some friends from the church and it was amazing. I think we caught hundreds of fish. And you took Elliot And I took Elliot with me. Yeah.

Little bonding trip for you.

It was really fun. Yeah, we were on the boat just every day. We were floating in the water and fishing. And you said it

Was a dream trip.

It really was

A dream trip. Circumstances were perfect.

Yes, it was. Everything was perfect about it. It was a lot of fun. I was thinking it was the perfect kind of trip to get someone to a child to fall in love with fishing, because I’m not kidding. Every single time Elliot cast the lure in the water a fish was on. It’s cool. Immediately. He didn’t have to try very hard at all just, and none of us did. We just threw it in and we were catching fish. That’s

Not really realistic. Cause everyone who’s been fishing right now is going, no, that’s not

How it works. It’s not realistic at all. But that’s what I’m

Saying is, so what I remember about going fishing with my dad growing up is hours

Of nothing.

We hiked. We got on this boat, we sat on the water for hours and hours and I don’t think we ever caught a fish that is, we went fishing.

I know. I’ve been fishing several times where I don’t catch anything. It’s funny, but it was just so much fun and I would love to do it again. Actually, there was several large families there when we showed up. Yeah, we should do that whole family. So I was, all of us thinking was like, why isn’t my whole family here? We should do that. We would need a lot more boats because we would need three boats just for our family. Really? Yeah. Because you can only fit three people, maybe four on a boat comfortably. Three.

You said one of your tour guides was really funny. He had a lot of jokes.

He was really funny.

That’s super cool. Yeah. Well, we hope that you guys are taking advantage of warm weather and family time and just getting outside because t the season

And it’s nice weather

Out. Yeah, it feels good.

So why don’t we get right into this topic?

Cool. Let’s do it.

Okay. We wanted to do this episode to talk about the most important things that a marriage needs to be strong and thrive.

It was funny when we came out with this topic, we were talking about it and immediately, like we mentioned in the beginning, the intro to this is just those top tier things that people always communic, go to

Communication. You need to be good

Communicators and sex and finances and they’re all true. It’s so true. You need

All of

Those. I told Aaron, I was like, well, what if we take this topic or this episode deeper, a little deeper and give them unexpected answers?

But we did. We started thinking, okay, what are some things that are necessary? And all of these other things like healthy sex, life, finances, communication, just joy in your marriage, all the things that are necessary for a strong marriage, they kind of stem from these three

Things. Cause when we were talking about it, we’re like, well, all the things that we chose play a role in how well those other parts of marriage thrive. So hopefully you guys get something out of today we’re excited to share with you.

So if you don’t know us yet, we tend to go more into the what’s the deeper thing, what’s the more spiritual thing? And so a lot of these things we’re getting into, they come from a more spiritual faith-based mindset of, okay, we’re believers, we love God, and we’re married. We are those things that we could be pinpointing, be like, oh, there’s areas. Those are the pieces that we should be working on that will affect all those other areas.

And here’s the thing, because we titled it Building a Lasting Marriage. You don’t build it on your wedding day, you don’t build it in the first year. You continually build upon your marriage. And that’s a good reminder for all of us. Yeah, let’s just set that tone right here is just we constantly need to be giving to our marriage and just evaluating it. Are we doing the best we can to serve our marriage and to make it building a lasting marriage? Well,

And then, I mean, any marriage is going to tell you this. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been married, you may have found success in a certain area of your marriage. Oh, we’ve gotten really good at communicating, but over the years it’s going to constantly be something that we have to revisit, come back to. We go through seasons of stress or seasons of hard hardship or things that change

Or new things come up or new

Things come into new circumstances into the picture. And we have to remember how to communicate all over again. Or we have to remember how to work on our sex life all over again. Or we have to work on how we spend money or where money comes from. That’s a big one. That changes often actually. But it’s something that It’s like continual. Yeah, it’s centrifugal circles. They’re like they, you go around and you come back and you go around, but you’re always moving. Hopefully we’re moving forward together. Together toward God.

All right, so let’s kick this off with number one.

So the first one we tried talking about was like, okay, what’s like the most important? And if everything kind of started from this point, like a cornerstone. Yeah. It would actually, it change the way we look at our marriages. This was actually a big piece of the marriage after God book was this idea of, well, if we see our marriages from a different point of view, if we see it from this biblical perspective, this godly perspective, a more deeper perspective, it’ll change everything. So the first one is acknowledge and accept that marriage is a covenant. Acknowledge and accept that marriage is a covenant. So if we define our marriage with different kinds of things, then we’re going to base our marriage off of what we define it after. So if it’s not a covenant, if it’s just this simple contractor or it’s just a relationship based on how I feel like I’ve fallen in love, I love you. And then what happens when we no longer feel that way? Oh, then we must not stay married or you make me happy. Well, if there’s a season that I’m no longer happy or you stop making me happy, or those things are all subjective to those definitions of how we define our relationship. But if we define it with something deeper, more foundational, then when we come to those times where we’re challenged in our emotions and our feelings, those won’t dictate. It will be dictated by something else.

And talking about how you define marriage, and you mentioned the contract, and that’s just a document which we’ve, through tradition have accepted that,

Oh, I have this part, this married getting married

Certificate. Yeah, it’s this wedding certificate. But in fact, the Bible doesn’t really mention you have to do this and yeah, right. It’s more, well, the way we do mayor, according to the state or

The way we

Legally, how we do it

Legally do it has been developed over our cultural se time. And then the way the Jews did it was different. There are contracts, there are agreements, agreements that are involved, but even those weren’t the things that defined what was marriage,

What bound a man and woman together.

Yeah. There’s something deeper than that. Why as believers we’re so adamant about what we believe about marriage because it’s so important to who it comes from. But as a covenant, it’s some which is technically a contract, but it’s not a contract between me and my wife. The thing is like, oh, I don’t have a contract with you. Oh, I’ve a contract with me and you and God. So it’s

A like a contract between you and God about me. Exactly. People want to look at, so it’s

More than a piece of paper. It’s not just we’re married because the state says we are, or because we told the state we are. So it’s not just state acknowledgement, it’s just not a piece of paper. It’s something so much more.

It’s a promise before God.

Yeah, it’s a promise.

It’s a covenant not formed or based on who they are or who they will be.

Right. Because that’s another thing like, well, no, you’re not who I married. You’re not the same person. Of course you’re not. We’re always changing. We’re always changing. So again, if we define it off of these other things, then the marriages can be dissolved it for whatever of those reasons change. But if it’s based on something else, like a covenant, like a promise before God, that God says what God has brought together, let no man tear us under or tear apart. Separate or separate. So we recognize that there’s something deeper than how I feel, how you look, what we do, how much money we have if we’re sick or healthy, those things. It’s why when we give our vows, the standard vows, talk about those same things, sickness and health till death to us part.

And it is a choice that we make to enter into that covenant. Yeah. It’s a choice to be one until death do us part.

And that choice, that agreement before God, and recognizing the authority of his word about a man and a wife coming together to be one flesh. And so we’re defining the marriage as not just two people in a mutual agreement to remain together as long as all of these things are copacetic. No, it’s a commitment and a promise before God, that God then is now a part of

Which we mentioned this in a more recent episode, but I’ll just repeat it again in those verses talking about a one flesh. Genesis 2 24, Matthew 19, four through six, Ephesians 5 31 and one Corinthians six 16 all reference this one

Flesh. Yeah, the one flesh. So in the marriage, when all these situations come up and we look back like, well, we have a covenant. This is not just how I feel or how you feel, or a piece of paper. So there’s some biblical ideas around marriage of what a biblical covenant marriage covenant is.

If we were to define what a covenant

Is, what are the stipulations of this covenant before God? So one, the first one being exclusivity. So in this covenant, I’m promising before God and to you, I’m the only one for me. I’m not going to go find

Forsaking all others.

Yeah, yeah. You both parties commit to being faithful to each other, forsaking all others. And this is often symbolized by the exchange of wedding rings. So like, Hey, the wedding ring doesn’t have a split in it. It’s solid. It only goes around and which, so there’s one. And so we give that. It’s a physical reminder of our promise and commitment to each other.

The other one is permanence. The marriage covenant is intended to be lifelong, and we need to remember that we need to lock that in our minds. And in the traditional wedding vows, the phrase til death to us part, which we’ve already mentioned, reflects that commitment to a lifelong union. And I think oftentimes couples get tempted with that thought of escape or this isn’t working or all of the different ways lies. Lies and so permanence.

Yeah. The next part of this biblical covenant in marriage is unity in marriage, in a marriage covenant, two individuals come together again to form one flesh, as mentioned in Genesis 2 24. And this union is not just physical, but it’s also emotional, intellectual, and spiritual,

Which I love that you list all of those because it is so much more than physical from

What I’ve experienced. We’re coming together to be a single thing one.

The next one is love and respect. Each person in the marriage promises to love, honor and respect the other. And this is also reflected in the wedding vows. Usually you get that commitment of dedication and being determined to treat one another that way. And then when it comes to the actual marriage, reminding yourself day in and day out, this is what I chose, and I’m going to be this way because I love you.

The last one is mutual support, which is a huge thing because in marriage, you don’t have to do life alone and on your own. So you’re promising in this covenant before God to support your spouse,

Which is such a bonus and a benefit to having another person in your life that’s looking out for you, that cares about your needs, your emotional needs, your physical needs, your mental state, everything. And to come alongside them and to see those needs and say, I’m going to help you. I’m going to encourage you. I’m going to pray for you.

In Malachi two 14, God, and in one of his many complaints before the people of Israel is that the leaders, the men were not being faithful to the wives of their youth, to their wives. They were. And he even says, he says, you’re not being faithful to your wives by covenant. He calls their marriages covenant till before him, and then he tells ’em, and you’re trying to come to me and tell me why you’re not accepting you, but you’re not even being faithful to your own brides. And so God sees our marriages way more important sometimes than we even see them.

I think having that covenant mindset helps us to remember that in this together for something greater than ourselves and reminding ourselves that the one who made us, the one who created this covenant of marriage, the one who knows it and understands it and can help us navigate it all, he, he’s got the grand picture. And if we can just open our eyes and accept it and acknowledge it, oh man, it really does change everything.

Well, one of the things it does is it helps us fight against the lies that tempt us to want to run or

Elsewhere or serve ourself.

Yeah. Because we naturally are very selfish in marriage. It when done, when we’re focused on God and walking in a spirit pulls that selfishness from us slowly over time. And then again, we always come back to, oh man, in an AR area where there’s an area where I’m selfish I need to be.

And then there’s cool things that happen when there’s sickness or health needs or just that weight of responsibility within marriage when you come up against hard circumstances to be reminded that you chose this and that you are capable of walking through it together and being there for one another.

And that our promise before each other is before God, and not based on our current circumstances. So again, using that idea of, man, our marriage is a covenant. It’s a promise before God, not just to you, which is really

Powerful. It should make us think twice about how we are behaving in marriage. Do we desire to please God within our covenant because we know it’s from him,

Which we were reading, Malachi, it would’ve pleased God if the men that claim to be his people were faithful to their wives.

So if you could just sum up just this point, number one of acknowledging the covenant, how does that help you, a marriage and a team thrive

When we both have that foundational understanding of this marriage is more than just a piece of paper. It’s defined by this promise that we have before God.

It’s sacred.

It’s sacred. It’s much grander than just two people deciding to live together

Or try and love each other

Or trying to love each. No, we have something bigger that we are built upon. Yeah.

Yeah. It’s good. All right. Well, moving on to number two is finding security and knowing the purpose of your marriage. You had already mentioned that the first one was a huge theme of our book in marriage after God. I would say that this also was a really big idea that we discussed.

Well, and this is actually the progression when you like, oh, our marriage is built on something deeper, something stronger, something more important.

When you get past the part of serving yourself and you realize, oh, I’m here to serve them and serve God. And now I have this marriage which has the capacity to do so much in this world, how can we use it?

And it goes back to Ephesians 5 32. This mystery is profound. And I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. When Paul’s giving his directions to the husbands and wives, he breaks it down based off of the church and Christ. And then he says, this is the mystery. It’s referring to church and the Christ and Christ you in your marriage. So whether or not there’s this big thing you’re going to do, your marriage itself is a ministry. It’s a picture. It’s a symbol, a that represents something grander,

Something light in this world for sure.

So when we understand that our marriages have a purpose, and that God desires us to, that our marriages are used for his kingdom and for our good will begin to experience marriage our marriages much differently.

Well, and I think that there’s a layer of accountability there, because when every marriage encounters hardships or trials and things that sorts of things, all kinds of things that in your flesh make you kind of resist a little bit or fight or whatever. And I know for us, relying on this truth that our marriage was meant for something more and has purpose kind of gets you out of that selfish place where you want to self preserve or I isolate or whatever the temptation is there. But to know that we have to work through this because there’s something greater that we must do, it really helps me overcome those moments and those times. So hopefully that’s an encouragement to others.

It is. And it’s an encouragement to me. And so when we recognize that our marriage has a purpose and it starts to affect all of the other areas of our life. So if we recognize, man, our marriage has a purpose. It represents something bigger than us, how we talk to each other, what we do with our time, how we invest, how we raise our children, how we choose to reconcile when we have fights and disagreements, how we forgive, how you fill in the blank. All of those things.

When you said raise our children, I was just thinking, it’s so cool when you understand that you were made for purpose, but also that your marriage was made for purpose. And then you start walking in that and you naturally start sharing that message with your kids. And then, yeah, the goal, our kids are so little, but I hope that they understand and cling to this idea that they have purpose. And it’s often my prayer at night with them today,

I was driving and all, I was like, dad, I cannot wait to be a mommy. I’m going to be a good mommy. And I was like, all of you are going to be a good mom. She’s like, whether I’m a mommy or a grandma, I don’t really care. I just want to be. I’m like, well, you got to be a mommy first before you can be a grandma. I, I was like, but you will be a good mom.

I think she’s excited for that because I always talk about how excited I am to be a grandma one day.

I, I’m excited to be a grandpa one day.

We’re not too far

Yet. 10 years maybe.

That’s That’s funny and weird. Okay, go ahead.

So how did realizing this truth about a purpose affect our marriage?

Well, I think we went from a place of being so focused, hyper-focused on the issues in the beginning, especially cause we dealt

With lot of continuity. Yeah. I’m not getting out of this what you are not getting out of this. Yeah.

And that kind of broke down this image or ideal that we had of marriage. Really. It made it kind of suck to walk with you in This isn’t working. But the moment the Lord started helping us and changing our hearts, I realized, oh, no matter what we go through, no matter how hard it is, there’s purpose to this. And if we let him, he will use it for good, which he’s done over and over again, which is amazing. It changed my willingness to go to the hard places with you and to accept it and say, okay, well this is what it is, and let’s keep pursuing what we can and encourage. And like you said earlier, support one another.

I think it is very, very similar for me, was recognizing that my marriage wasn’t just about what I get out of it, what you do for me, how happy you make me, but it was about my role as a husband, as eventually a father, as a man who loves God and representing Christ to you, to my kids, and then through our marriage to others around us. So yeah, seeing who I am to God and how he sees me and our marriage and you

And what he desires of you. Right.

Yeah. It changed my perspective from all about me. It’s all about him, which then benefits us. Yeah,

Totally. So how the cup for the couples listening, how do they find and align with one another on a shared purpose in marriage? How do you get from a place of how we were where it’s totally looking at ourselves or inward and go to that place of, oh, I see a bigger picture.

Well, through the word of God, first and foremost, I do want to make a note. There may be some couples who one spouse is not a believer, is not in the word is not following God. But that doesn’t mean that the one spouse that is a believer who loves God, cannot be doing these things, cannot be walking in this way because they can still see their marriage with this higher purpose. They can still see their role in their marriage with this higher purpose, this biblical, godly purpose, this purpose of they’re there as a representative of Christ in their home.

And if the one spouse is walking in righteousness and in the word and fulfilling what God’s purpose for them is, it will encourage and influence their spouse.

And the Bible talks about this, talks about the power that a wife could have over an I believing husband or the power a husband can have over an unbelieving wife. So I believe no matter where a couple is at, whether both are believers or one’s a believer, they can be encouraged to see their marriage in this perspective.

So when you say be in the word together, is it a certain section of the word that they’re going to find, oh, there’s our purpose for marriage. Or just explain a little bit of what you mean when you say be in the word. Get in

The word. I think generally just having a propensity towards the word of God, being in the word.

Because the closer you draw an intimacy with the Lord, he is actively working in you on character and your heart and your mind. So as those things begin to be transformed, we affect our marriage

Well. And there are scriptures that they can go to that directly teach on how a husband or a wife should operate as in their roles, and they should go for those. But I, I’m, I think in general, just having a love for the word of God and believing it and trusting it.

We talk about belief often, and I think another thing about when you are searching for that purpose of marriage and to really understand it and get on the same page and be aligned, it’s believing that God has brought you both together to represent himself and his love for the church. And when we clinging to that belief, it’s like the other things don’t matter as much because you’re holding onto this understanding that with him, and together you guys do have a purpose and you can fulfill it. And that has a deeply profound effect on how you operate within marriage.

I agree. So we talked about covenant, we talked about understanding our purpose. The last one, number

Three

Is having willing hearts.

I think this one covers a lot, so we’re going to break it down for you. But basically we’re talking about having a willing heart when it comes to conversation, intimacy, sacrifice of your time, your energy, everything you got. And so I think this last one’s really important.

Yeah. Because I think a lot of marriages begin to crumble when hearts have been closed or hardened or hardened, where willingness has gone out the window. There’s the will to move forward. My desire to,

Yeah, something’s broken it.

So the definition of willingness is the state or character of being willing, free choice or consent of the will, readiness goodwill. So I am here with readiness to move forward, or am I hard and moving away? Am I here with out of my own free choice? I’m opening my heart, I’m opening my arms, I’m coming closer. I want to have that conversation. I desire to move forward with you, to have a productive conversation about whatever it is that needs to happen. So that willingness plays a huge role in our ability to grow, to do anything. Because if I’m unwilling, as we’ve seen with maybe some animals in our life or children, when they don’t unwilling to go where you ask them to go or to move where you want them to move or to stop what you want them to stop doing, do they stop? Of course. Not because they’re unwilling,

Which causes frustration and those other negative emotions that it becomes this cycle of the hardness in marriage. And if I, I would admit it, the first two things that we’ve talked about, I think over the years I’ve gotten really good at understanding, the conviction for me comes in with this because yeah, if I get offended, if I get hurt, if I get upset, I start to feel that willingness in me. Yeah. Shrink.

Well, not just in those emotional heightened moments also, but for both of us, there’s these times of like, well, there’s just ways of being that I’m unwilling to change

Behavior patterns,

Habits. No, I don’t want to change that, or I will never do that thing for you. You should do that for me. This willingness or this unwillingness to budge on things that have been learned behaviors or learned ways of thinking or

Ways of identifying. Even when I think of extrovert and introvert, it’s like, oh, I’m not going to do that because I’m an introvert. Yeah, that’s not right. But that thing would really bless you because you’re an extrovert. Am I unwilling because I am associating myself a certain way or understanding who I am and thinking I can’t get outside of that box? I think a big part of marriage is complimenting one another and being willing in that way.

And I agree. So for me, I think of there’s ways of being in me that we’ve talked about in the past, ways I struggles I have with my communication. So I could be unwilling and be like, no, that’s just who I am. Get over it. Or I could be like, well, I see what you’re saying. I don’t know how to change that, but I recognize it and I want to change. I would love to be better at that. I don’t know how to be, I could use your help. So there’s a difference between unwilling and being no deal with it or willing and be like, well, I don’t know what that looks like. But yes,

In that example you just gave, I think part of the willingness is saying, because you said, I don’t know how to, is there has to be a willingness to go back to God and say, God, there’s these things I’m struggling with. Will you help me? What does your word say about it? And being willing to also engage with the Lord. Or I think of some spouses, if let’s say the wife wants to encourage her husband and spiritual leadership and wants to see him reading his Bible and encourages him to do so. But really it, it’s a choice that he has to make to be willing to walk in that and vice versa.

Well, that’s a good one because there’s a lot of men that their wives would love, love for them to lead spiritually. And there’s a many men who have no idea what that looks like because they, they never had an example of it, or they’re fearful of it or don’t want to. They think to themselves, I have too much on my plate. Why would I also need to do that? That should be your job. So a willing husband would be like, I hear you. I do want that, and I’m

Going to do something about it. Well,

And the first place a willing heart will go is to God, what you were just saying. Often I go to God, I’m like, God, I have no idea what she wants from me when you come there. And I’m like, I don’t get it. I do want to change how you help me. What is it? What do I need to see that I’m not seeing? What do I need to hear that I’m not hearing? What part of me is holding me back? And I usually do start there because I have a hard time seeing the forest through the trees. I have a hard time seeing myself in a true light. Yeah.

I think when it comes to me, something, I’m just recognized it from the beginning of our marriage, but it’s something constantly that I have to kind of address in my own heart, is that willingness when it comes to intimacy, especially when in the beginning, because it was so hard for me. And then there became anxieties around it and fears and fears, pains involved, and fear and frustration that I kept closing myself off. Nope, not going to do that. Not going to do that. And so

Be increasingly unwilling

Where I felt like over the years, I’ve really had to pay attention to my willingness to engage there and things get better when I do that with us.

And psychologically, the more yeses we get or give, which is this willingness. Yeah, I’ll do that. Yes, I’ll do that. The easier the yeses become. Totally.

(33:48)
This is actually a psychological thing in cells. If you can get them to say yes to this little thing, it’ll be easier to get them to say yes to the next thing that’s a little bit bigger. There’s a section of scripture in the Old Testament that I really love. I’ve brought this up in the past, probably earlier in our podcasting career, but it’s just it. It’s when God’s command commanded Moses to build a TA tabernacle and gives them all of the instructions on what to do, one of the things he calls ’em to do is commands the people to tithe, to give gold and fabric and food and oils and all, and spices and all sorts of things for the building of the TA of the tabernacle, which is going to be where God was going to come and dwell with his people while they were in the wilderness.

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And so in Exodus 35, 21, there’s this section that says this. And they came, everyone, everyone whose hearts stirred him and everyone whose spirit moved him and brought the Lord’s contribution to be used for the tent of meeting and for all its services and for all, and for the holy garments. So they came, both men and women, all were who were of willing, heart brought broaches and earrings and signet rings and omelets and all sorts of gold objects. Every man dedicating an offering of gold to the Lord. And this was a theme all throughout the Old Testament of when he called the people to give for these sorts of things, it was a command to do it, but only if you’re were willing to do it, you have to do it. And I don’t care if you’re willing, you better do. It was, I only want it if it’s coming from a heart that’s willing to give it, which is really interesting that God would command it, but also command the willingness of it.

There’s another section of scripture that talks about generosity, but only with a cheerful giver.

Yeah. God loves a cheerful,

It’s someone who understands what’s before them. And you already shared the definition for what it means to be willing. But I found another one from the Cambridge dictionary that says, the quality of being happy to do something, if it’s needed, if it’s needed, and I love that, I want to do, they’ve added this layer of emotional connection to what we’re talking about. Because you can do something out of will, right? Yeah. But are you happy to do it? Are you doing it motivated by this joy that Yep. You get from knowing the outcome, the effect,

Well, going back to intimacy with you, sexual intimacy or with each other. And in any marriage, the SP spouse is always going to want the other spouse to want to do it, to want to give that part of them, not because they have to not do it, not because they’re obligated, not because they’re forced. The best experiences we have are the ones where we both want to give to each other. And that’s the same in this story. That’s the same in every aspect of our lives. What I loved about this, by the way, I was just thinking about this, that they were willing to part with all the other things that they deemed valuable because of the thing that they deemed more valuable. So the building of the tabernacle, this place where God was about to come and be in the midst of them,

They knew that was more important than the

Arm went. We want that. And so they’re like, yeah. Oh, here, you want my rings? You want my gold? You want my so good scarfs. You want my garments? You want all this stuff? Take it. And later on in that section, God tell, or the priest say, Hey, you have to tell the people to stop giving. We have too much stuff. Imagine that in your marriage. So good that in the New Testament, it says, outdo one another in kindness, that you’re both so willing and have such cheerful hearts to be willing in every situation in your marriage. Imagine what that would do for your marriage.

So I mentioned in the beginning of this, that was so good, by the way. I love that perspective. That was so cool. So when it comes to conversation or intimacy or sacrifice, we wanted to just break this down a little bit and see how being willing plays a role in these things. And so when it comes to conversation, are you being willing to listen? Yeah. Are you willing to share your heart and your perspectives in a respectful way? Are you willing to share the knowledge you have and increase your spouse’s learning abilities? Are you willing to not say something in a setting that would make your spouse uncomfortable? Are you willing to apologize? Are you willing to initiate conversation? Yeah. Or is it just one sided? Is it just the one person constantly doing it? Are you willing to find something you think your spouse would appreciate to talk about it? Your willingness to communicate even when you’re wrong? These are all really important aspects of what it means to be willing when you’re sitting down with your spouse and talking with.

And I would add one piece to this. Are you willing to receive any of that from your spouse? That you want to come to chat with me about something that interests you, that you want to come to me and tell me about something that’s on your heart? Am I willing to hear

It? Or encouragement or correction or any, yeah, anything.

The next part is intimacy. Are you willing to pursue? Are you willing to embrace, I want to be intimate with you. Are you willing to try new things to experiment? Like we talked about this a few episodes ago about sex. Are you willing to speak up about what you like or don’t like? Because these conversations can be very hard. Sensitive. Sensitive, but being willing to do it when you don’t feel like it. Yeah. But that comes with that I was talking about before, not out of obligation, but actually I dont feel like it, but I want to do this. Yeah. Cause I know you need it. Yeah, I know. I know. We

Need, we it. Yeah. Yeah. And then the other part to this was sacrifice. So are you willing to surrender your time for their sake? Maybe they want to do something and it involves you needing to stay back with the kids or you giving your time in some way to make it happen. Are you willing to serve them? Are you willing to lay down your own desire to be in agreement with your spouse? Yeah. Are you willing to overlook an offense? Are you willing to pass on an opportunity to support your family? Are you willing to love? Love is an obvious one, but there’s so much to it. When you think about sacrifice, how are you loving them?

You said willing to pass an opportunity to support your family. It sounds like you’re saying pass on the opportunity to support, but you’re saying pass on an opportunity for something else. Well, in order to support your family.

Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. I just wanted to clear that up, but that was really good.

Yeah. When you pursue me, I feel loved and cherished and wanted,

When you see me willingly want to do that. Yeah.

When you share just in the D I Y projects at home and being with the kids, I feel supported. When you open up and you’re honest, I feel like I can trust you. And I feel like we can really share what’s on our hearts. And I love that.

That’s good.

And I also feel like when we’re operating in this way, there’s so much more peace in our hearts and in our home joy and in our home overall. I just wanted to share that just effects of when you’re walking these ways.

So why don’t we for a moment, discuss the potential challenges in practicing willingness? Because there’s a lot of fear that goes into this idea of being willing. Because if I open myself up that way, if I allow certain things, then that’s going to allow me to get hurt. It’s going to allow me to get, there’s, I see something I don’t want.

I think there’s also a layer to this, that part parts of our human nature that kind of trap us from being willing, pride or selfishness or fairness, which I struggle with manipulation or control. None of which of these things are loving at all. And it can be deceptive. Yeah. It’s not like we’re sitting there trying to be stone cold or hard, but we are. And we need to be able to recognize it. So I think first off, we should probably just be praying for eyes to see clearly.

Yeah. Well, the things I was thinking about is the solution to those things is God’s definition of love. Love is patient, love is kind,

And walking in humility,

And then walking in humility, which means I’m recognizing that we need to be lower. Like, oh, I’m not walking right. I need to go back to what the definition of love is. And then also the walking in the spirit. What fruit comes out of walking in the spirit is the opposite of everything you just said. And so when we’re to have a willing heart stems from going back to understanding the definition of biblical definition of love and desiring to walk in God’s spirit with your spouse.

So good.

So those are our three things. Acknowledging that our marriages are a covenant, something deeper, something more than just a piece of paper.

And finding security and knowing the purpose of your marriage. So having this big picture of this is what we’re shooting for, this is what we’re aiming for.

And

Everybody, it’s bigger than ourselves.

Every single marriage, every one of you listening, this is your marriage too. It’s not just me and Jennifer here on the microphones, but your marriage has a purpose and it on the base level to be a representation, a symbol, a light of Christ and the church,

Well, to your children, to your community, to your church, to

Each other.

Constant reminders of the gospel.

And then the last one is willingness of heart. The New Testament speaks of that. God wanted those whose hearts were willing, and so are we having willing, hearts willing in every aspect of our marriage for our spouse.

So good. When we seek these things out, we will affect so many other areas of marriage, all other marriage, areas of marriage. And so that’s why we wanted to bring this to you guys, because building a lasting marriage is, it’s important for every single one of us to be working on this.

So I put a little bit of notes at the very end of this before we get to the end, end. Just to point out that, have you ever wondered why the Bible doesn’t speak on certain topics more specifically?

Totally. The first thing that came to my mind is social media, but yes. Yeah.

But even more parenting for sure. Why isn’t, oh, for sure. You open the Bible. Okay, here’s how to be a good dad. Yeah. Right. There’s a few things that point out things that we should be doing, but it is not extensive on how to be

Good parents. What happens when the kids don’t want to eat the food you made

Them? Or it’s also not extensive on what it looks like to have a biblical marriage. It’s not like an entire chapter on marriage. There’s a lot of things you can piece together, but a more so God intends that believers walk in God’s truth as a whole,

Knowing that is what will impact the

Marriage. Yes. That whether we’re married or single, whether we’re slaves or free, whether I’m rich or poor. Yes. Does it matter where I’m at, what my circumstances are, what my situation is, what my status is? His word is what will define it all. And so it doesn’t need an entire chapter on how to be a good husband. Because as a husband, if I believe in Jesus, if I trust in God, if I’m in prayer, if I read his word, if I walk in his spirit, what kind of husband am I going to be? One who is patient and kind, compassionate and long suffering, gentle, but also speaking truth, and also wanting to lead, and also wanting to be a man who desires to please God. Same with you as a wife. So that we don’t need an entire chapter in the Bible on how to have a good, lasting long marriage.

You’re saying that there’s enough there for the independent person to learn from, walk it out,

Right? Yeah. And that’s why we think instead of talking about how to be good communicators, there’s things that are more deeper, more important, that affect our communication. Because how I’m going to communicates if I recognize that I’m with you. Yeah. Until death. That’s good. I should probably learn how to communicate a little bit better with you because I’m, we’re going to be with each other for a while.

Yeah. Forever.

And so these deeper truths, God’s truth, are so important to every aspect of our life, not just our marriage.

So good.

So what we’re going to do is we’re going to encourage you all to share this episode with a friend on social media. We don’t do this very often, but we’d love for you to share this episode or another episode that you love and share it with a text message to someone. Share it on social media. But let people know that you love this podcast. If you do, of course. And that would, we’d really greatly appreciate that. And also, we want to remind you, if you haven’t already, if this is your first time listening, subscribe. Subscribe to us. Wherever you’re listening at most people is on Apple iTunes, but you might be listening somewhere else. Hit that subscribe button and follow our podcast.

So at the end of every episode, we’ve been doing this thing called a growth spurt, and it’s just an encouragement or challenge for you to do independently, but also alongside your spouse and just see growth in you and in your relationship with God. This month we are focusing on growing by letting ring to pursue life, liberty, and happiness, whatever that means to you in your marriage or in your walks with God. We just wanted to encourage you guys and remind you guys that you do have freedom and

True freedom. True freedom in Christ. I was actually just reflecting on today while I was driving, I was like, God, you have set us free from the bonds of sin and death and completely. It’s not something that will be done. It is done now. And I just think that’s incredible.

So this could be as simple as acknowledging that freedom and having a conversation with your spouse about it and about your gratitude. Or it could be taking up some sort of cool date with your spouse that,

Or invite all your friends over for an awesome barbecue and throw water balloons at each other. Do

4th of July all over again.

Yeah, it’s true.

That’s so funny. So last month, real quick, last month was put your hands to the plow and get in the dirt. And which did a lot of, which I did a lot of. And I, we have deer that kind of wander around just in our neighborhood. And so I knew I had a plant in the backyard because Aaron put this fence up. And so I put delphiniums and roses and all these different, and you beautiful.

You were waiting to do it because you wanted the fence up to keep the deer out.

So we did the fence first. Then I planted, and it was awesome and great. And I was keeping everything alive. And I was actually really excited because I knew we were having this barbecue.

It was like two days before, two

Days before the barbecue, we were moving some rocks around and we left to go get lunch and left the gates open. And I came back and they took advantage because every single, all those flour buds were gone. All the dium, beautiful purple and blues. Oh, gone. Everything.

We came back and you’re like, when is my plant? Where’s all my le What happened? Yeah.

Who stripped this cherry blossom? Oh, tree branch thing. It was, darn. It was pretty sad. So sometimes we do these growth spurts and things don’t always work out, and that’s okay, but I’m going to keep watering them. They’ll

Grow back, right? Yeah. I hope so. Yeah, I think so. All right. Why don’t you pray for us.

Dear Lord, thank you for the insight you give us and into our marriage relationship. Thank you for continually reminding us and showing us how we can grow and mature in our relationship. We pray we would determine to contribute to building up our marriage, make us stronger than we ever have been before we pray. We would not let pride or selfishness get in the way of loving each other deeply and connecting with one another on an incredible level. We pray for peace to be in our hearts and in our home. In Jesus name, amen.