10 Biblical Ways to Resolve Conflict in Marriage

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Do you desire to pray more for your spouse? Do you desire to pray more with your spouse? We understand that you may not know where to start or maybe you feel uncomfortable praying or maybe you don’t know what to pray, or maybe you simply want to add something more to your current prayer life. This is why we wrote the Marriage Gift 365 prayers for our Marriage. We desire that it would be used as a daily reminder and catalyst for you and your spouse to grow a dynamic and consistent prayer life together. This book is a compilation of 365 unique and powerful prayers that cover a range of diverse topics that every marriage deals with. You can read it alone or ideally you read it with your spouse. Also, we hope that the topics that are brought up in these prayers would become a starting point for deeper and more intimate conversations with your spouse and a desire to seek God on these matters together. Visit the marriage gift.com today and order your copy and give your marriage the greatest gift, powerful and meaningful prayer. Visit the marriage gift.com today. Hey, I am

Aaron. And I’m Jennifer,

And we’re the host of the Marriage After God Podcast. Our desire is to help you cultivate a marriage that chases boldly after God’s will for your life together.

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Welcome to the Marriage After God podcast.

Hey everyone. We’re back with another episode.

Hello. It feels good to have had a small break because we finished our series and then we kind of took the summer off a little bit.

It was really nice actually.

Yeah, I’ve enjoyed it,

But then we’re like, we got to get some episodes. This baby’s

Going to be here soon. I told Erin, I go, Hey, if we’re planning on bringing the podcast back, we got to do it now.

It’s now or never. Once you have the baby, it’s going to be like another break. We’re going to have to figure out something else for a little bit. Yeah,

Maybe it’ll just be Aaron,

We have some ideas for that. We can talk about that, I guess. Sure, go ahead. My thought is, while you’re recovering and even moving in the future, we’ve never really done interviews before where we interview other people and we’re kind of mulling that idea around. There’s been a lot of people that have requested to be interviewed on our podcast, and we’ve always said we’re not really doing that right now, but

We might do that. Yeah, maybe while I am resting with baby, you can,

I might have some interviews with some people. If you’re excited about that, would you let us know on social media? Say, yeah, I’d love to have some interviews with you guys and what that would be is that’d be make it to where you can rest and when you’re back at it, we can do some episodes together and then I can do some interviews and we can kind of go back and forth on that. It’s an idea. That’d

Be cool. Well, why don’t we update them just on life things. We usually start with life notes, so anything you want to share?

Yeah, we’ve got a baby that’s this close,

Right around the corner, guys. We got four to six weeks left, so I’m already starting to feel like already it’s time. Well,

Okay. You’ve been feeling this way for a while. I know this baby has been like, okay, let’s get this

Going. Let’s move on with it. No, but I did the whole wash the clothes, put them in the drawer, get the crib set up. Well, you set up the crib. I just put

You have

Set up. Did I even put the sheets on? You did

That. I did the, well, I did the little cover

Cover and then I did the sheet. So anyways, all to say baby probably won’t even hit the crib until months later, but we’re ready for her.

I’m kind of excited though because a couple of years ago when we built the house, but we had designed the house a long time ago. We were trying to do, and we didn’t do it. We designed the house and we designed a little tiny

Nook,

A nook in our master bedroom, and

We always said this would make the perfect

Nursery. This is a little nursery nook, and then it’s been four years

Since we designed it. We had turned it into my office space for my computer and my homeschool stuff, and then now

That’s in the closet, but I’m excited that it’s being used as kind of exactly what we thought it was going to be. It’s really cool.

It is really cool, and

It’s cute little unsweet nursery. Yeah,

I like to keep babies very close, very

Close to me. I mean, the baby might not even use that because it’s usually with us, but it’ll be used. It’s right there, changing table. We’re excited. So

We got some news, I think I shared in a previous episode, but I have placenta previa, so we’re kind of in that mode of waiting to see, okay, is this thing going to move because all our other five births were natural births. This one could be a potential. So we find out which would

Be your first.

That would be my first C-section. So we find out in a week and a half what’s going to happen there, but I just find it a little nerve wracking trying to reconcile it all, this one being different than the rest,

And they could be praying for that because we want to do the home birth thing, but if it has to go the other way, I have to do that. But

Trying to keep my hands and heart open to all of it since it’s really outside of our control,

But ideally we to have a home birth. The placenta moves, but we’ll see what happens. But I’m the kind of dad that it doesn’t hit me until the baby’s in my arms and I’m like, oh, this is real. Now we got into the baby. So it’s like you feel it every moment of the day and I’m like, okay, we’ll see, but it’s actually good for me. It puts all of that energy

With the kids, with the kids. Yeah, so we’ll

See.

Yeah. Another thing I wanted to share aside from all the bird stuff was we’re back to school now, so we started our homeschool year early at the beginning of August, knowing that baby’s coming and wanting to take a short break in October,

Get ahead of the game

And hopefully you can step in on the, if I’m not quite ready by the time we’re supposed to get

Back. Well, you prepared all the homeschool stuff really well, so I think it’s not going to be hard for me to step in for a couple hours a day to make that happen,

But I did wanted to encourage you guys, whether no matter how you choose to do schooling for your kids, whether it’s homeschool or public school or charter school or I don’t know what other kind of schooling, but I want to encourage you guys that it’s so difficult to try and do it on your own no matter how you’re doing it, and I just want to encourage you the benefits of having community and having other moms surround you and encourage you and do special things. What I’m about to share with you is really helpful. So a friend of mine was like, Hey ladies, let’s get together and pray for the upcoming school year. So I didn’t really have any expectations, but then when we showed up, I mean there was candles lit and little tiny journal notebooks out and pencils, and she came prepared with an intentional question.

I don’t think we talked about this yet. I haven’t told you I was asleep. This

Literally just happened, and she started out by just saying, I do want to pray and I think that we should pray for each individual mom, but let’s start by kind of just sharing and expressing some fears or insecurities or lies that we believe about ourselves as homeschool teachers. We all homeschool, but like I said, you could do this with literally anyone that has school aged children. So we shared and then we got to pray for each other about those things, and on top of that, they opened up the word of God and was like, Hey, if you’re believing this lie about yourself or about school or about whatever it is that you’re struggling with, this is a great verse to combat that.

That’s really cool.

It was so amazing. It was so refreshing, and so I just wanted to encourage you that having a group of moms, even if it’s just two or three people that you can text on a regular basis and say, Hey, I’m really struggling and letting them pray for you, letting others in to the mess of it all. It really is messy, even if it looks picture perfect on Instagram or wherever, and we

All know social media is not telling us the truth. It’s not that easy,

But there are days that are great and there’s days that are hard, and it’s good for us to confront that and just say, Hey, I need help, or, Hey, I need prayer, or, Hey, can we just go out for dinner and talk about this? Yeah, it was really great. What a

Cool thing. Yeah, okay. I wish I would’ve, I forgot to

Ask you about it too, and some schools are still starting up in September, so you haven’t missed the boat on this opportunity. I want to challenge all of the moms listening right now. You be the one that initiates go invite.

I feel like it’s probably something that’s needed every other day throughout the

School year for some seasons. Yes. Yeah, that’s good. It was easy to do and it was very refreshing, so just wanted to share.

Cool. Before we get into the topic, I just want to invite you, if you have not already, would you leave us a star rating and review those reviews? We always mention this, but we mean the reviews actually help the podcast get spread to more people. The way these algorithms work is they’re looking for, are people engaged? Are people wanting this content? So leaving star ratings and actually writing on a review not only blesses us, we love reading them, but it also blesses people that haven’t heard of our podcast before, haven’t received this content before that you’re almost inviting them in, and so

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And for all of you who have joined, thank you, thank you, thank you. Absolutely.

Yeah,

Very appreciative. Okay, so today we are going to be sharing 10 biblical ways to resolve conflict in marriage, and

It’s not for us. I was

Going to say, it’s so funny when we pick a topic is people, whenever we pick a topic to talk about, I don’t know about you, Aaron, but I always feel like

That’s the very not

Qualified not thing

That we struggle with in that exact moment. At that

Moment I had been, yeah, that just happened.

Yeah, I was working on this notes in the midst of us in the midst. It was like I was working on it and then

The test came. God’s like, Aaron, are you paying

A attention God into conflict and God’s like, we’re just writing about this. I’m like, sure, God. The

Truth

Is it’s not that easy. God

For us, for you listening, I’m sure things happen in marriage all the time, and so it’s good for us to be reminded, even if we’ve heard these things before, it’s like, oh, yeah, okay. Oh yes, I need to implement this. I need to be this way. I need to understand how to operate with my spouse because you just read that comment from one of the subscribers who the real, real enemies enemy is, yeah, it’s not each other, it’s not you. And so if we can learn these ways and implement

Doesn’t feel like that sometimes. I know sure feels the opposite When we’re in it, it’s like, well, and God’s like, no, no.

So hopefully this encourages you and inspires you in addressing conflict in your marriage and in your relationship, and we’re going to dive in

And it encourages us. It totally, because it’s always in hindsight, I know it’s like we went through that and we were like, well, we should look at those 10 steps. It’s not 10 steps, but you’ll get the point. So we’re going to go through 10 ways that the Bible can encourage us in dealing with our conflicts in our marriage because conflicts are going to

Come. Some of them are kind of preventative. If you’re already making strides in this area, it’s going to prevent, it’ll minimize the amount, minimize the conflict,

Which I would say has for us over the years, I would say conflict was more often and then it’s got less and less, and so

Hopefully our maturity has gone up a little bit.

I think so some of us, not mine, mine’s like, so we’re going to start with number one. We have brought this up in many episodes and it was not our idea. This is the Bible’s idea in

Our book

Marriage to God in our book, but that if we can remember this one, it would actually lessen the impact of many of our conflicts, many of our struggles that we have with each other, and it is understanding that we are on the same team. Me and you we’re on the same team, not I have my team, you have your team. We’re on the same team. Oneness is the idea. I

Was just going to say oneness because I think when you put it in team aspect and you said, this isn’t my team and your team, I think sometimes in relationship we can have that mindset where it’s like, okay, you got your things going on over here, but they’re kind of interjecting and messing with my thing over here, and that does stir up conflict. It gets in the way, it becomes hard. So if we can recognize the oneness of our marriage that you and I are on the same team that we’re together in this, then it becomes a smoother mesh of what you’ve got going on, what I’ve got going on, and it really becomes our thing.

And like you said a second ago, some of these could be preventative. This is both, I think in the moment, can help in the moment of a conflict, the moment a fight, an argument, you’ve

Literally said to me, we are on the same team.

Let’s act like it. And actually it changes it. It doesn’t always perfectly fix it in the moment, but it does change the dynamic of that conflict. But it also, if we are operating in a way where like you said, you have your agenda and I have my agenda and don’t get in the way of mine, otherwise there’s going to be a problem. That’s where many of our conflicts do come from. We’re in different zones. I’m doing my thing, you’re doing your thing, and they bump heads and then we’re like, well, no, my thing’s more important or my thing’s more important. But if we’re on the same team, if we recognize that early on, am I operating a way that I have to remember you are my teammate. How’s this working together? How are we working together in this? It could help avoid probably much of our conflicts, but it does help in the midst of it for sure. Why don’t you read that scripture actually Matthew 19, five through six.

Sorry, I lost my thoughts. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so they’re no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together. Let not man separate.

I love this verse, and I think often we believe in marriage that oneness is something that’s coming in the future. We’re working toward

Oneness. It’s going to happen,

Which is kind of true. It’s something that we work toward, but it is also something that is immediate. If you look in this verse, it says they are no longer two but one flesh. The moment you become married, the moment you come together in the flesh, spiritually, emotionally, physically, you’re one that is in that moment, we are one right away. So it’s not like we’re working towards oneness, like, oh, we eventually will be on the same team. That’s not how we should be viewing our marriage. We should be viewing it currently. The status that we are now is one. And so everything that we do that stretches that and fights against that is why we have much of our conflict.

I don’t have a specific example in mind, but you were making this motion of stretching and pulling, pulling and there’s been plenty of time in our marriage where you’re operating in the flesh, I’m operating in the flesh, and we’re trying to do our own things, and you do feel it. You feel that stretching, tearing, pulling because that’s

When frustrations

Just

Blood boils. We’re like, just why am I not getting my way?

And I’m over here? Yeah, why don’t you understand what I need you to do?

But remembering that we’re on the same team, remembering that we are already one changes a lot of the dynamics, the way we think about our daily lives, the way we think about our hobbies, our careers, our lives, and it adjusts our thoughts on conflict. So when we’re in the midst of something, we stop looking at each other as the enemy or the other teammate, I have to win or you have to win. And we look at it as like, well, we’re both losing right now and what can we do so that we both win right now? Because if one wins and the other loses, you both lost. And that’s the true nature of being one. When I was a kid, I played Jeff football and often our team, all of us had conflicts with each other, and because we had conflicts with each other, we never worked as a whole team.

So you guys didn’t win?

Never. We actually never won us. We might’ve won one game. Oh man. And the other team was way worse than us, which was surprising. We were not good.

Well, and what’s so hard about that is it’s defeating. So what’s going to motivate you to want to carry on or play the next game or play the next year? Why when you continually face

Defeat, like yeah, we’re losing, we keep losing, we keep losing,

Which I know people listening and you and I have even been there in marriage where you feel so defeated that you’re like, I don’t know if I can keep this momentum going. And that’s a really, really hard place to be.

And this is something that, like you said in the midst of fights, even just saying it out loud, Hey, we’re on the same team, is a good strategy. What it does is it’s an attempt to mend. It’s like, Hey, I’m letting you know. I know that I’m where I’m at and you’re where you’re at, but here’s what my heart truly is. Let’s work to get there together.

And what’s crazy is the same amount of effort and energy that couples and us have used to fight against each other, we could be fighting for this idea of unity each other. Yeah, yeah. Fighting for each other, which is so much more powerful of a result.

And also the moment you recognize this truth and say, you know what? We are already one. That’s the state that we’re in. You’ll start recognizing the Holy Spirit convicting your heart sooner when you’re in the midst of something often actually never have I heard the Holy Spirit convict me on something that you need to change in as in the midst of our arguments, it’s often God’s like, Hey Aaron, and you’re praying

For God to

Change me. You need, yeah, you are the this. You need to do that. He speaks to me, he tells me, he gives me my mail to read and it gives you your mail to read, but it’s how we should be looking at it is we should listen to that, the Holy Spirit speaking to us and saying, oh, okay, we’re on the same team. I need to repent of my attitude right now. I need to repent of my harsh communication. I need to repent of the way I’m not receiving or being patient or kind, gentle. And then he does the same for you. And we should be listening to that and coming together with that.

Totally. I know this doesn’t really apply to marriage, but in parenting lately, I see in our kids and them fighting over something and that’s not being on the same page or the same team, and I want them to feel like they’re on the same team. And the verse that keeps popping into my mind from Romans, and I’ll repeat it to them, I remind them, I say God’s word tells us to put the interest of others above your own, which is a perfect verse for marriage as well. I mean, it’s hard to do in the midst of feeling frustrated and feeling overwhelmed and feeling all those really intense feelings, but the more we dig into God’s word, the more we study it and absorb it and then implement it. When we get into those situations and we keep the Holy Spirit will recall to us versus like that, and hopefully help us to acknowledge our spouse, acknowledge what they need, acknowledge whether it’s an interest or a scheduling conflict or a relational thing between the two of you, what it is that’s needed to move forward.

That’s good. So first one is oneness. You’re on the same team. Second one, why don’t you read that

Forgiveness, something Christ himself has done for us and the word of God as a whole makes it abundantly clear that forgiveness is not optional for the believer,

Not optional, meaning there is no other option for us. We must forgive. And Colossians three 13 says, bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint against each other, forgiving each other as the Lord has forgiven you.

So it’s like that big why when you’re in the midst of an argument, you’re in the midst of, maybe it’s a season, a season of hardship or challenge. You’ve got this big question mark over your head constantly pricking at your flesh. Why do I have to try so hard in marriage? Why do I have to give into this thing or compromise or whatever it is that the Lord is pressing you to do? The reason is forgiveness. It’s because he did it first, because he first loved us. We can,

This verse actually ends with, so you also must forgive. There is no also should consider forgiving or when they’ve done X, y, z, forgive, it says you must forgive. And the reason for that is because we’re forgiven. And so if we start from a place of I’m forgiven, how can I ever withhold forgiveness? I know this is hard for some, this is hard for many. Actually, forgiveness is a very hard thing because it means giving of yourself. It means letting go of something that you feel like you’re justified in holding onto.

This isn’t in the notes, but it happened recently and I’m wondering if we can share a little bit about it just off the cuff, but for everyone, go for it. There was a situation that happened between you and I with communication and you were kind of wondering where we were at post-conflict. And I was like, yeah, I forgive you. And you’re like, oh, well you didn’t tell me. And so the question or whatever you want to talk about around this idea of is it important to communicate that you have forgiven your spouse, especially with a very specific situation that happened and why?

Well, especially it may be hard in some situations, especially if the one spouse that’s done the wronging hasn’t yet come and said, Hey, I’m sorry. Hey, I repent to just come out and say I forgive you for what you did because that might come off as

Little

Jab, an attack or a jab. But that doesn’t mean you can’t forgive. True. You could actually have a harder forgiveness and be prayerfully saying, okay, Lord, I’m waiting for what we’re going to talk about later on reconciliation because you can’t have reconciliation without forgiveness, but you can forgive without reconciliation.

But that’s not really what happened in our situation. No, I actually, it’s good that

You brought it up, said, I’m sorry, would you forgive me? And you said, I will forgive you.

You were frustrated. I was processing still, but then I think one of our kids overheard what we were dealing with and they asked me, are you going to forgive dad? And I said, yeah, but I did it under my breath, not

To you. Well, I asked you, I said, the kids need to know where we’re at because they could

Feel atmosphere, they could feel the

Atmosphere. They didn’t know where we’re at. And you’re like, why? I feel like I’m fine. I’m like, are you? Because haven’t told me you’re fine.

I was struggling.

But in those situations, it is very important to let your spouse know that you forgive them. Mainly if they’ve come to you to ask for forgiveness that we shouldn’t withhold it. The Bible makes it very clear. Matthew six, Jesus makes it very clear when he’s teaching about praying. He says, if you do not forgive, your father in heaven will not forgive you. It’s a very stark warning of like, Hey, forgiveness is so important to me that it’s required and it’s a command I give you don’t get to choose to forgive or not forgive. And that’s because we’ve been forgiven.

So in that moment that I did tell you that I forgave you, how did it change your understanding of our relationship, where we were at, and just the atmosphere? Well,

It gave me closure on the circumstances, on the situation. It was like, oh, you do forgive me. Thank you. I really appreciate you letting me know that you’ve forgiven me. So it gave closure to the situation, and that is true in any situation that forgiveness is you’re giving beforehand something that’s undeserved. Yeah,

Right. Yeah. I think why one of the reasons why I thought it would be interesting to bring this up is because sometimes we can deceive ourselves to think that, oh, I forgave them. I can move on. But without communicating it, there’s not full reconciliation there yet. And the moving on feels harder to do. And so you might not think that you’re withholding anything because you’ve forgiven them, right? I forgave you. I’m not withholding, but by not sharing it, I am withholding that information

And you’re still controlling that situation, and I do it. You do it. It’s not just a one-sided thing, but if we have this understanding of forgiveness is something that is required of us as believers, then it does change things again in the conflict. No, I must forgive. I don’t get to withhold this. Even if it takes me a little bit of time, the end result is I must get to that point of forgiveness. The third thing is this forgiveness thing leads into this. We all need the gospel. This is what we’re talking about

Right now, even believers, you guys, because not that we forget, but we sometimes will tend to operate in the flesh or we get tempted to operate in the flesh and we need to be reminded the power of the gospel. We need to be reminded what Jesus did for us so that we can act like him, not like our flesh, not like what our flesh wants.

And we forget what Jesus said in Mark two 17. He says, and when Jesus heard it, he said to them, those who are well have no need of a physician. So the people that are not sick don’t need a doctor, but those who are sick, I came not to call the righteous but sinners,

Which he also says that all fall short of the glory of gun,

So we’re all sick. The point is, is Jesus isn’t saying some are righteous and some are sick, and it’s only the sick that I came for. What he’s saying is those who think they’re righteous, he’s not there for them because they don’t need him. He’s there for those who know they’re sick, who know they need him. So we all need him. How often listener, watcher do you realize, oh man, I need Jesus. I need his forgiveness right now. I need his healing right now.

Well, I’ll tell you, the one word that comes to my mind is humility. And until we’re in a state of humbleness, do we see that very clearly? And what’s funny is when we’re not humbled, we’re not walking in humility. Is it pride? Is that the opposite? We’re walking in pride. That is exactly what it’s, and that’s when conflict comes.

It’s righteous person. The self-proclaimed righteous person who doesn’t need Jesus.

And that’s when the most conflict arises is when you’re both walking in pride.

And do you know when we are most susceptible to the deathly blows of the enemy? If you think about the armor of God, what’s the helmet

Of salvation?

It’s the helmet of salvation.

Oh, you take that off and boom,

You take the helmet of salvation off the understanding of the gospel that we’ve been forgiven, that we are saved by the grace of God alone. That believing in Jesus alone is what saves us, not what I’d done, not how good I am, not how perfect. I’m not how righteous I am, but what Jesus did. You take that off. That’s when your head, your brain can be destroyed by lies.

That’s good.

And you can be deceived and you’re susceptible to confusion of the devil and the pride that comes in. And so we need to put that helmet on and we need to remember that our salvation and remembering the salvation that we have in Jesus Christ, the gospel of Jesus Christ changes everything about how we see our spouse, how we see ourselves, how we see others. It’s important. That’s good. Probably the most important thing, by the way, these are not in order of any specific priority. Priority. They’re all necessary.

They’re all necessary. Okay. Well, the next one is again for all of us, but it’s being slow to speak, slow to being angry and being quick to listen, which I’m not good at any of those

Neither. I was just thinking, I was like number four is probably my main problem. You hang

Up.

This is probably me.

You’re like forgiveness. No problem. I

Would imagine 80% of our arguments are in conflicts are one of us or both

Of us fast

Not being good listeners and being quick to be angry. I’m very quick to speak. I’m very quick to be frustrated, and I’m not very good at slowing down to listen. I forgive

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You. Thank you, thank you. But this is something that we all struggle with. There’s a proverb, I didn’t put this in the notes, but there’s a proverb that says, even a foolish man when he’s silent is perceived to be wise. And it shows this idea that we tend to want to talk more than we want to listen, and it just shows our foolishness. It just shows that we did not take a second to even care for a moment what the other person is actually communicating. And then when it says, listen, are we actually listening beyond the words? Because often I struggle, I hear the words and I’m like, that’s not the way you should say that to me. And we’re not listening to the heart, we’re not listening to the circumstances, we’re not listening to the situation.

So this wisdom of that we’re sharing did not come from our own experience. No, but it is from the word of God. If you look at James one 19 through 26, it says this, know this, my beloved brothers, let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. I feel like we, darn it, have heard that a lot in our home. Therefore, put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word which is able to save your souls, but be doers of the word and not hearers. Only deceiving yourselves for if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer. He is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror for he looks at himself and goes away and not once forgets what he is like.

We’re looking for people who have been blessed by this free podcast and our free daily marriage prayer emails, and who want to help be a blessing to others. Creating and hosting this podcast and sending out our daily emails do incur financial cost, and we want to invite you to join our faithful patron team to help financially support these resources so that they can remain free for all who need them. Please join our patron team today and become one of the faithful financial supporters who desires to help bless thousands of marriages around the world. Your support will help us pay for the creation, hosting, and promotion of our podcast and daily emails. Thank you. And we hope to see you become a marriage after God patron,

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Do you desire to pray more for your spouse? Do you desire to pray more with your spouse? We understand that you may not know where to start or maybe you feel uncomfortable praying or maybe you don’t know what to pray, or maybe you simply want to add something more to your current prayer life. This is why we wrote the Marriage Gift 365 Prayers for Our Marriage. We desire that it would be used as a daily reminder and catalyst for you and your spouse to grow a dynamic and consistent prayer life together. This book is a compilation of 365 unique and powerful prayers that cover a range of diverse topics that every marriage deals with. You can read it alone or ideally you read it with your spouse. Also, we hope that the topics that are brought up in these prayers would become a starting point for deeper and more intimate conversations with your spouse and a desire to seek God on these matters together. Visit the marriage gift.com today and order your copy and give your marriage the greatest gift, powerful and meaningful prayer. Visit the marriage gift.com today,

But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty and perseveres bearing, no being, no hearer who forgets, but a doer who acts. He will be blessed in his doing. If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue, but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless. That’s saying a lot. That’s a

Lot. He’s saying, he’s like, he’s like, if you’re going to listen to the word of God but not do it, you’re like a person who looks in the mirror at his own face and forgets immediately what he looks like. This is the same thing as me. Withholding forgiveness from you is forgetting that I need forgiveness myself, that what Jesus did for me was for you also and that I don’t deserve it, but he gave it to me anyway. And so when we walk in this quick to be angry, quick to speak and not slow to listen, we’re doing that. We’re being prideful, selfish. We’re forgetting our own depravity. We’re forgetting our own need of grace, our own need of forgiveness, our own need of the gospel. And we’re elevating ourselves above other people. And so the person who thinks that religion is anything, he’s deceives himself and bridling the tongue, learning to control our mouth, which James goes on to say that, that no one can brittle the tongue. If someone brittles his tongue, they’re perfect. There’s only one Jesus. He perfectly spoke everything that God wanted him to all the time, not us. So being slow to speak, slow to anger and quick to listen.

So good is a big one. I know for me sometimes if you’re quick to get angry, I reciprocate that instead of doing what the word says and being a doer of the word, I reciprocate by being quick to anger, quick to respond. And man, there’s sometimes that I walk in that sometimes I do a little bit better, but the more we implement God’s word, man, things are diffused so fast and being slow to engage is not an avoidance thing. It’s not like, okay, then I’m just going to walk away and shut myself away from this person right now doing the silent treatment, the silent treat, what this is talking about, that’s not what it’s talking about. It’s not talking about avoiding or being negligent of the situation or the circumstance that’s going on, but it is being thoughtful in your response. It’s being thoughtful or my words that I’m choosing to say right now going to benefit our marriage or tear it

Down. I would say though, just to throw out a arbitrary percentage, I would imagine that 50% of the time, if we just remain silent, not silent treatment, not avoiding, but letting it go and overlooking it and moving on and not taking the opportunity to speak when not necessary, I would imagine that we probably avoid 50% of our, not ours, but just in general, 50% of conflict,

Kind of that overlooking an offense thing. Yeah.

Not being so quick to just jump down and how dare you or I can’t believe you just be like, okay, I’m going to let that one slide. It’s not a big deal. I think we probably, the royal we would avoid a lot of conflict just by being quiet.

Maybe

Number five. Yeah,

True. I dunno why I looked at you and all this now I can’t talk.

It was like I was going to say it. I was

Like, just say it.

Number five, true repentance is required.

Yeah, I think there was a lot of r’s in that one. True

Repentance is required. So we talked about forgiveness earlier. Yeah. Forgiveness is able to be done without

Repentance.

I’m thinking at the other one. This is repentance. Scratch the for forgive thing for a second. You’re saying now I’m talking about reconciliation. Oh, oh yeah. I’m thinking about reconciliation. Repentance though. This is a part of the whole picture. Repentance is required. This is something that the believer is to, this is what the Holy Spirit is working in us to do. Convicts our hearts of sin leads us to godly repentance.

This is going back to why it’s important for both spouses to be willing to share the gospel with each other, is to remind each other of the importance of repentance.

And this is something that can come up in many marriages where one spouse, maybe both spouses, they see their own sin as less and they see their spouse’s sin as more and so they think

They minimize.

Yeah. Yeah. They minimize their own and they’re like, well, I’m fine but theirs, they need to repent, they need to change. But you know

What? Or even saying they’re the reason that’s causing me to and

Blaming. If they change, then I’ll change. That’s not how we are to be as believers. The Holy Spirit comes to us personally and he doesn’t say, Hey, when your spouse changes, then you can change. He says, no, you change.

Yeah. Regardless for me.

So true repentance is required and this is in order for which is going to be number six. Reconciliation is what I was getting confused. No. In order for reconciliation to take place, there must be two things. Forgiveness and repentance. Both things need to take place. It’s not possible for reconciliation to happen without those. It’s impossible.

Let me read the definition of repentance to feel pain, sorrow, or regret for what one has done or omitted to do. This is the

Most important

One right here to change the mind or the course of conduct on account of regret or dissatisfaction. In a believer’s case, it’s understanding what Jesus paid the price for or to be sorry for sin as morally evil and to seek forgiveness, to cease to love and practice sin.

So this changing of the mind, when the Bible talks about repentance, what it means is I once saw myself one way and now I see myself the way God sees me.

Humility. Yeah.

I’m a sinner. And often we think, oh, I’m not a sinner. In first Johnny says, anyone who says he doesn’t sin, he is a liar. But we do this, we actually do this sometimes in our marriage. We think I’m sinless in this situation.

I’m not kidding you. For years, the beginning of our marriage, I was so frustrated because I was like, I thought that I was not sinless, sinless, but pretty close until I got married. And then all of a sudden I felt like this different person. And I’m like, why is he bringing out all this in me? Blaming you for, it’s not funny, but looking back in hindsight, I did blame you. Truly glad we can land a bit it. Now, I blamed you inside my head for how you felt and for the choices that I was making, and it was all there. It was all,

But we all do this. We want to put the blame on someone else. We want to say, oh, it’s not me doing this. It’s someone else doing this. And so if we don’t get to the point of understanding that we ourselves need to repent, and this needs to happen in every conflict. If there’s a conflict, it’s because one or both are sinning. That’s the reality. There’s got to be repentance. I was short tempered. I want to repent to that. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to you and I was rude. I want a repent of that. I’m so sorry. And what it’s doing is it’s changing your mind and saying, I was acting that way. I thought this way. I need to change my mind because God says this. God says I should be this way and I wasn’t being that way, which leads to a repentance. Hey Lord, I need to do what you’ve asked me to do and I wasn’t doing it. And so you change that way of thinking.

And then so along the same question lines of when we were talking about forgiveness. Is it important if you’ve sinned, if you’ve added to the conflict in your marriage, but then you go to God and you share that heart of repentance with him, is it then important to go to your spouse and also share that heart of repentance with them?

Well, the Bible tells us if we’ve wronged someone that we go to them. And so yes, we should go to God, make God, I’m so sorry that I’m acting like a fool. We know he’s already forgiven us in Christ, but what he desires us to do is to go to our spouse or to the one, it could be our children. And there’s many times that we’ve repented to our children. We’re so sorry we acted that way. And we go to the one we’ve wronged, we go to the one that we’ve sinned against to repent to them. And that’s how reconciliation happens, which is going into number six, but we’re not going to get to that one yet. I

Was just realizing you had a

Lot of notes stuff. I have a lot of notes on this one. And so we need to recognize that there’s a story in the Old Testament of the prophet Nathan going to David after David took Uriah’s wife to be his own cheated on, he committed adultery and stole a wife from another man. And Nathan comes and tells this story to David about a man stealing a sheep from a poor man. And David’s so indignant. He’s like, bring me that man. We need to kill that

Man. He wants justice. He wants

Justice

For something that he

Did. And then Nathan says, you are that man. That’s what the Holy Spirit does to us. We get so angry at our spouse for the injustice they’ve done against us, and we say, oh, they need to repent. They need to change. And God’s like, but look at yourself. Yeah.

What about this thing over here? Yeah, yeah, that’s

Good. And so true. Repentance is not bargaining with God. And I think this is something, this is why there’s a lot of notes about this because when I was doing this, I was being convicted on this. It’s something I did for years. And I believe Christians do this all the time. When David heard this story, do you think he said, well, she was naked on the rooftop

Like it’s her fault,

Or, well, it wasn’t so bad. Did he justify it or did he say, you’re right. He repented in that moment. It’s why actually the Bible calls him a man after God’s own heart. Because when he was confronted with his sin, he agreed with God. He’s like, you, God are right and I’m wrong. And you actually hear this over and over and over again in the Psalms. And often we try and make bargains with God when it comes to our sin.

Why don’t you share that a little bit more?

We say, God, I promise I’ll stop. I’ll never do that again. Because we feel this guilt, we feel this shame and we try and make this bargain with God as if there’s anything we could do to actually change ourselves in this bargaining with God. I’ll read my Bible more. I’ll go to church more. I’ll pray more, trying to do all these different things. Excuse me, to try and get the guilt off of us everything, but go to the person. We need to repent to God’s like go to them. God, I don’t need to go to them. I’ll delete the apps. I’ll close my accounts. I’ll get rid of those books. You fill in the blank. You’ve done this. We’ve all done this. We bargain with God on why we shouldn’t go to the person that we’ve wronged to repent to them. But what God wants is this in Psalm 51. Why don’t you read that

For you will not delight and sacrifice or I would give it. You will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. Oh God, you will not despise. Yeah, it’s true. He already gave the sacrifice. He did. God already provided that way.

There is no sacrifice. You can offer to wash you clean. Yeah.

There is no bargaining. There

Is no bargaining with God. David wrote this in response to Nathan coming to him and through the Holy Spirit convicting of us, and David wrote this, he said, you’re not looking for a sacrifice from me otherwise I would give it. You want a broken and contrite spirit. So true repentance. True repentance is a broken and contrite spirit is recognizing God’s right. And you’re wrong and going to the person you’ve wronged and repenting to them. I’ve wronged you. I’ve mistepped, I’ve misspoken. What I’ve done was hurtful. So true.

Repentance. That acknowledgement and that vulnerability in marriage speaks volumes too, because we’ve done it time and time again with each other over 17 years plus. And the healing that takes place in the moment of just saying, I’m sorry, and recognizing the sin and confession of repentance. It’s such a powerful

Thing. The Bible tells us that when we confess, it says, confess your sins to one another that you may be that the healing is what we want. I want to stop being this way. I don’t like this kind of man or this woman. I’m being, confession is one of the tools, one of the gifts God gave us to combat that sin, to defeat it. It’s not that I confess, therefore I’m saved. No confession is a gift for the saved to be healed of our sin, be healed of those things that have plagued us and keep coming out of us over and over and over again. So number six.

Yeah. Well you talked a lot already that goes into this, but it is all about reconciliation. That is the goal in marriage. And you guys,

I thought the goal was to be wreck.

Well, that feels good sometimes. But in marriage, because it’s a lifelong journey with another person, there’s going to be more conflict. Even if you guys reach a level of maturity that is so perfect and beautiful and amazing, there’s still going to come up something someday where you’re going to wrestle. And so we must not forget that reconciliation is always the goal. And this is a huge part of our ministry and what we like to share

About, and not just our ministry, but

Everybody’s

Ministry. The church’s ministry Christians to one another. What does Paul tell us in second Corinthians?

Second Corinthians five, 14 through 20 says, well, this doesn’t start in 14. This starts in 18 actually. Oh, sorry. All this is from God who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation that is in Christ. God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. So it’s being reconciled to God, but also choosing to be reconciled in marriage into each. That is the ministry into each we do it. Why? Because he first loved us. Because he made the sacrifice for us. Because he made a way for us to be

Reconciled. So the goal is reconciliation. And just to reiterate reconciliation, what that means is both sides of, if you’re thinking about finances, both sides of the column, the positives and the negatives they

Add up. They

Match equal, they match. And so what this means is there’s

No outstanding debt or

We’re on the same team again, were reconciled, we’re made right together. The reconciliation of us to God was through Christ Jesus. That’s what Jesus was doing was reconciling us to the Father. We now are in right relationship with God. All balances are covered. There is no more debt. We are made right with God. That’s what you want in your marriage. So forgiveness is the first step. Repentance is the second step. Reconciliation is the result. So when you have forgiveness and repentance in the relationship from both parties, you’re back in relationship. You’re back connected. You’ve unified and strengthened that oneness. Number seven, don’t be a mind reader.

You should explain this one.

Well, we’re not mind readers.

I want you to be a mind reader.

The point of this, this is an easy one and a quick one. Often we think that the other person should understand exactly how we feel and what we’re going through and what we’re trying to get across. We want them to read our mind. I do rather than I do in mercy and grace, taking time to explain ourselves, to share openly and honestly what’s going on, why we are feeling this way. Because if we just get hurt that the other person isn’t understanding, isn’t reading our minds, then we’re just adding to the conflict. What do you think

About that? I feel convicted by it for sure, because I tend to be one of those people who desire you to be a mind reader. And I find it very challenging and difficult to muster the energy and the words to describe to you what I want. And I’ve learned throughout our marriage journey that, like you just said, we can’t assume that person is a mind reader or could do that. And so having grace for you, that’s been a process for me to learn. And one thing I’ll just encourage everyone listening with is just because you voice something one time, two times, three times, doesn’t mean that you

Should.

It’s common knowledge now. It’s common knowledge now. And so there’s just this ongoing giving of grace and not setting these high expectations where your spouse is going to meet every single thing that you desire.

I would say impossible. Expectations.

Yeah, impossible. But what I have found is that throughout our relationship, the times that I have communicated to you respectfully, calmly, Hey, this is on my mind. This is what I’m looking for. You desire to fulfill those things. It’s not like you want to fight me on them or tell me no. It’s a working together in understanding who we are as individuals, but as one. It’s such an interesting and unique thing being married, but

Well, and this happened this morning with me, with the conflict that we were having where I was getting frustrated, the way you were communicating to me, even though you weren’t, weren’t trying to frustrate me, you just were kind of communicating. And in my head I’m thinking, why are you talking to me like that? Why’d you say it like that? And it’s building in me until I got frustrated and I looked at you with mean eyes, a

Face with a face, a certain kind of face that I called out on and

Have no idea that that’s all going on in my heart. You have no idea that I’m thinking all of these things. And so I could have you asked, next time, will you tell me like, Hey, I didn’t like the way you said that. I feel like you could have said it differently. And I could have communicated, I could have shared what was on my mind rather than just thinking it and then getting angry privately until it was public. So don’t be a mind reader. Number eight, I

Should say, you can’t be a mind reader. They’re not a mind reader.

I guess it should be like, don’t assume they’re a mind reader.

Don’t assume they’re a mind reader. There you go. Okay. So this one is don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Meaning take the time, the effort, the energy to settle disputes and work things out. And I would say that there is appropriate times to give room space longer breaks, longer breaks, but communicate that say, Hey, I’m going to need more time to process how I’m feeling or the things that I’m thinking or what it is I want to say. But again, not doing the negligent, avoiding silent treatment,

I don’t think that level is going to be on a common, there’s probably some deeper, heavier

Stuff that I just figured it was worth it to say. But this is going back to Ephesians 4 26, 27. Did you have that verse? That is what the verse says, don’t let the sun go down on your anger. It says, be

Angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil.

Okay? So the whole point of this one is also to be reminded who your enemy is and that he will gain a foothold in your marriage if you let him. And so this is a warning.

Well, if you hold onto unforgiveness, if you drag out in your pride these conflicts and close off silent treatment, all you’re doing is letting the devil have his way win. He’s whispering lies. He’s making you feel like you are so justified, they’re so wrong. And you’re listening and you’re listening. And what this verse in Ephesians four is talking about is get through these things quickly, deal with them. Have the fortitude to say, well, not like, let’s drag this down into the ground and pulverize it into dust. No, but like, Hey, this is something that needs to be

Addressed, addressed now,

And let’s do it with love and let’s do with the goal of reconciliation, with forgiveness, with repentance, not let’s just drag it out so that the devil can,

Yeah, I was just going to say the times in our marriage where I felt justified in my anger, I’m the one that wrestled all night with my own self and not sleeping and being fumed and frustrated. And I know you didn’t sleep well those nights either, but I felt I

Did because I didn’t know there were some times, there

Were some times you were s, and I was even more mad. I was like, oh my goodness, what’s happening right now? But that was because all because I wasn’t willing to go there with you to be reconciled. That was not my purpose at all. It was just to hold onto it. And I truly believe I suffered in the pain of conflict with you. And it didn’t have to be that way.

It’s

Destructive. It’s destructive.

So the point is, is deal with them swiftly. Make them priority, make them urgent. So number nine, this one is stop looking at the flesh. Stop looking at the flesh. This is the flesh, our biology, our physical self. And when we look at the flesh, we’re forgetting that especially for believers, this is for believers. You’re forgetting that the person you’re looking at is in dwell with the Holy Spirit. You’re forgetting that you’re looking at someone who’s made in God’s image. You’re forgetting that this person’s redeemed and transformed and changed and filled with they are gods. And so when we just look at the flesh as it says in second Corinthians, we’re going to read that in a second. You’re not regarding your spouse the way Christ desires you to regard them. You’re not looking at them in the way he looks at them and the way God looks at them, you’re looking at them in a very carnal, fleshy way. You’re saying, oh, all they are is this flesh, these cravings, these attitudes, these hormones. That’s what

You’re looking at. Which really how dare us, because the Bible says that God is love. And so I imagine him looking at us in love, with love loving eyes, not just this big ball of flesh that is hormonal and attitudey in all things full of sin, right? And so if we appreciate that about our Lord, that he can look upon us and see his righteousness, why can we not do that for our spouse?

Well, it’s hard.

I know.

I know. But it’s why we’re told. The Bible says our battle is not against flesh and blood, but often it feels like it’s like I’m fighting against this person who has this desire that’s against mine and we fight it. Second Corinthians five 16 says, for the love of Christ controls us because we have concluded this. That one has died for all, therefore all have died. And he died for all that. Those who live might no longer live for themselves, but for him who for their sake died and was raised for now on. Therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. From now on, we regard no one according to the flesh. We don’t just look at the outside shell anymore and say, oh, that person is this. We look at them from a different perspective. We regard him, even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he’s a new creation. The oldest passed away and behold the new has come. This is a important aspect of understanding our spouses, understanding each other, understanding each other. If God you just mentioned, if God was to look at us, the way we look at our spouses or anyone, if God regarded us just in the flesh, we wouldn’t survive

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Because look what Christ had to go through in the flesh for our sin. That’s what we deserve. So he regards us no longer that way. He sees us as new creations in Christ Jesus. When we believe in Jesus Christ, he sees us as Christ. That’s what the Bible teaches us. So we need to be seeing our spouses in that way. We have a friend that often said, we need to stop relating to each other in the flesh. We need to start relating each other as if Christ is in front of us.

We also heard back when we must’ve only been married four or five years, there was a couple that came to share their testimony at a church marriage group that we were part of. And the husband struggled hardcore for years with pornography and prostitution, prostitution and all these different sins. And one of the questions to the wife was, how were you able to endure all those years and still remain married? And she said something that stuck with me till this day. She said that I had to see him no longer as my husband, but as a brother in Christ. I had to see him as Jesus saw him. And that was really powerful to me because it took everything for her to be able to do this in humility. And it wasn’t easy and in

Love, it wasn’t. But being able to see him no longer in the flesh, but the way God sees

Him and in the hope of a new creation, that he would be saved, that he would come to repentance, that you would be reconciled.

The gospel was on her mind of like, he needs the gospel. He needs

Jesus. And that was her mission for years. And he did surrender and he reconciled with his wife, repent. And they have a beautiful marriage ministry. So a beautiful testimony. And I just think that that’s how we always need to be. I’m not always like that with you, but I need to be. I’m

Not always like that with you. This is never a one way street. The reason there’s conflict is because we regard each other in the flesh. Yeah. The last one, number 10, this is probably, I dunno, these are all important. I can’t say this is one of the most important,

But I think it covers a lot. It does cover a lot. It’s the motivator behind all the other ones, right? It’s that love is the debt.

So we owe something to each other.

We owe each other love. Romans 13, eight through 10 says this, oh, no one anything except to love each other. For the one who loves another has fulfilled the law for the commandments. You shall not commit adultery, you shall not murder you shall not steal, you shall not covet, and any other commandment are summed up in this word. You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Love does no wrong to a neighbor. Therefore, love is the fulfilling of the law, which we always say here in the podcast and in our books, that your spouse is your closest neighbor.

And so who do you get to practice loving your spouse? Who do you get to practice forgiving your spouse? Who do you get to practice being patient with and kind and loving and gentle and long suffering your spouse?

And that is a debt that doesn’t ever hit a max. You’re never free of that one.

No. Because if you think about the debt that we owed God that was impossible to pay and could never be paid, that’s what Jesus paid for us. And so if you want to pay Jesus back,

Love your

Spouse, love your spouse, love people, our debt, and again, we can’t love enough to pay for it. There is no amount of love that we can try and give to cover the debt, which is why we’re told that it says, oh, no anything. Have no outstanding debt except love. We are to love our spouse. And again, when we love our spouse, the Bible tells us that you’re fulfilling the whole law of God when you love. And so that’s where we’re going to end.

Just to remind you and summarize what we shared today. Sometimes I like going through lists like this, but until I hear it all again, you’re like, okay, I think I can. Or maybe you guys need to go grab a pencil and pen and write these down just so that you have them in front of you. Whatever you want to do. Just wanted to revisit them really quick. So these are the 10 ways to help when conflict shows up in marriage, choose to be on the same page. You’re on the same page. Remember oneness. Okay? Number two, forgive and do it Often. Preach the gospel to yourself and to your spouse. Be slow to anger and to respond. Oh, slow to anger and slow to respond. Be willing to repent and change. Reconciliation is the goal. Don’t be a mind reader. We changed that one. Remember? Oh yeah. You don’t assume. Don’t assume they’re a mind reader. Mind reader. Don’t pass up an opportunity to reconcile in the day. So don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Stop looking at each other according to the flesh. And love is the debt that we owe always and forever.

Awesome. And just to remind you, we needed this. Yeah,

Totally. It’s good encouragement this morning. Conflict is going to arise. It’s a matter of how prepared are we to overcome it, to get through it, to navigate it in a spiritual way because we’re spiritual beings

In a biblical way

According to God’s word.

Lemme pray. Lord, we love you. We thank you for this teaching that I’m learning from God, that you desire us to love each other, to be forgiving, to reconcile, to repent. God, you desire that we would walk with each other in such a way that Lord, we are changed, transformed, renewed. God, I pray that you would teach us to be better at conflict. That all those that are listening and watching God, that you’d be with them and you would train them. Also, God, that your people would be the best at conflict resolution. That our marriages would be reflections of the gospel in the world. We love you and we thank you that you’re so patient with us and you’re so kind to us, and you by example teach us how to do these things. And so Lord, transform us, change us, and continue to make us into that new creation that you’ve made us when we believed in Jesus Christ. We love you and we thank You in Jesus’ name. Amen. Amen. We just want to thank you for joining us on this episode. We hope you enjoyed it. If you have not left a review, we’d love for you to leave a review. If you haven’t subscribed, please do so now. We look forward to having you in our next episode.

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Do you desire to pray more for your spouse? Do you desire to pray more with your spouse? We understand that you may not know where to start, or maybe you feel uncomfortable praying, or maybe you don’t know what to pray, or maybe you simply want to add something more to your current prayer life. This is why we wrote the Marriage Gift 365 Prayers for Our Marriage. We desire that it would be used as a daily reminder and catalyst for you and your spouse to grow a dynamic and consistent prayer life together. This book is a compilation of 365 unique and powerful prayers that cover a range of diverse topics that every marriage deals with. You can read it alone, or ideally you read it with your spouse. Also, we hope that the topics that are brought up in these prayers would become a starting point for deeper and more intimate conversations with your spouse and a desire to seek God on these matters together. Visit the marriage gift.com today and order your copy and give your marriage the greatest gift, powerful and meaningful prayer. Visit the marriage gift.com today.