7 Words Every Spouse Needs to Hear

Hey, we’re in Jennifer Smith, your host of Marriage After God podcast, where we desire to help you cultivate an extraordinary marriage. And today we’re going to be chatting about the words that we should be speaking in our marriage.

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J Sailor? J

Celler. 91. 91. And they gave a five star. Thank you. That’s so awesome. It says, this podcast has made life-changing, giving changes in my marriage. It has been used by God to change both me and my husband in positive ways as we listen to it. 10, 10 recommend.

That’s so cool. So awesome. Yeah, I get to read all of these. I get emails when someone leaves a review, so we’re going to try and share reviews when we get them, but this one really blessed us. Super

Awesome. I just realized that we’re wearing some pretty awesome shirts today. I know. I got mine from my sister-in-Law for my birthday. I love Marvel

And it looks like just an old college sweater. I like that.

Marvel

Comics. And then I got American Grappling Con Federation. This is at a GF Federation. A GF for the

Last competition you did,

Right? Yeah. And there’s the next competition I’m going to do doing as well.

Nice. Which is coming up soon. You’re training for on my birthday.

Cool.

So I wanted to share, actually I didn’t want to share because it’s always embarrassing when you share something that’s honest and kind of not a good side of yourself, but

It’s kind of like what we do,

But it’s like what we’ve been talking about too. So I’m just going to let it out. We missed an episode last week. I’m very sorry for that. And I do want to take full responsibility. I walked into our little podcasting station here and shared some opinions that weren’t very kind and not done respectfully, and it immediately halted everything that we had planned to do that day. And I was really bummed. I was embarrassed that I had said what I said the way that I said it, and it wasn’t helpful or encouraging to you by any means. So I’m sorry for that, Erin, and I’m sorry. Well,

I appreciate hearing because I haven’t heard this yet, so thank you.

Well, now you just threw me under to the bus twice. Double time. I’m really sorry. And I do recognize that there are times that I share things in my mind freely, but regard to how they’re going to impact you. And I wanted to bring this up because we’ve been sharing in this series about the power of our words and man, did I feel the weight of my words that day, how they changed things? Yeah. Well, it literally stopped our ministry. It stopped our work. It stopped the things that we had planned to do and rearranged our day for us. So I know. So then right after that you came down with sickness and I just felt like I get

Hit really hard for two days. Yeah. Came on fast. I’m feeling great today though. That’s good. So that feels good. So

Anyways, we didn’t get a chance to make it up, so we just skipped the week and just want to

Forgive. You moved on and I didn’t hold it against you. I actually forgot about that. But yes, words do affect us and they can stop ministry, they can stop everything.

And I’m sure you guys have felt that in your own marriage where you are aiming to do something or something else we’ve experienced is when one of us makes known, we want to be intimate later.

That seems to happen a lot. I’m saying it that way. What I mean is that seems to be a common place that it happens.

Well, we do get attacked by our flesh and the enemy and all kinds of things, but sorry, I

Didn’t mean

To make a sound that It’s okay. All I meant to say was that sometimes we sabotage the things that we long to do or desire in our marriage because our words get in the way.

And that goes both ways. Yes. It wasn’t just one

Direction. Okay. Now that you guys know how imperfect we are, I am.

Yeah, words matter people.

We’re doing this whole series because we ourselves need to be reminded of the power of our words and just that they affect everything. They affect the people around us, the people closest to us, they affect our ministry, our work, our everything. So there’s some honesty for you.

That was good honesty. So how about some honesty about how you’re feeling because you’ve been in your first trimester low

Rollercoaster? Yeah. Yeah. So we shared that I’m pregnant again, and this first trimester has really got me, I don’t know if it’s because I’m older or more hormones, things going on, but I’ve had way more ocular migraines than any of my other pregnancies felt way more nauseous and it lasted all day or random times of the day.

And it seems like you’ve been getting a little better and then kind of hits you again. Yeah.

So I’m at 12 ish weeks, 12 and a half I think. So I’m hoping that I’m climbing out of that.

I think you are. It seems like you are. Were pretty consistently racked. Every

Day I am starting to get more energy and I noticed because I’ve been out in the garden more and that’s my happy place. I

Know the moment you get this burst of energy and then you go straight to doing something creative or digging in the dirt with your hands. I love

That. I actually at ladies group on Thursday, I had to, I dunno if it was a confession or a per request or what, but I had shared that because I was down for so long, I felt like things in my home were out of order as far as maintaining all the laundry and mopping the floors and all the things that you kind of let go of when you’re not feeling that great. But instead of tackling those things, when I had a burst of energy, I kind of just walked outside and shut the doors and started digging in the dirt,

Which is okay. I never said anything about it. I know what I’ve been doing. What I’ve been doing is I’m getting, being really, I don’t want to say strict, but

Consistent with

The kids and saying, you guys are going to, I don’t want mommy doing dishes anymore. You do dishes. Now

Everybody’s stepping it up a little bit more

Around the house.

They’re all stepping up, which I think we’ve already in a really cool way. Also, we get a false spring here in central Oregon where the sun comes out for about a week. It tricks us and it’s so hot and you’re like, oh my goodness, 70 degrees out. Everything will grow. Let’s just start planning it, especially in my mind from Southern California. So I think when the sun’s out, you work in the garden and then

Snow starts falling today

Here it’s just tricks you, it’s okay, I’m being patient, we’re setting things up. I’ll share more next week. Sure. I’ll get farther along.

So the topic, we’re going to give seven words that we should be speaking in our marriage to our spouse, to each other things, words that are going to be life building, marriage building, strengthening. And so that’s what we want to bring up today. That’s what we want to talk about today. This episode and the next episode I feel like are going to be probably the most practical. And I think last episode was too, because these are the kinds of things that we can practice speaking and actually saying to each other. And when we were doing the notes for this, you were, I’m upstairs in the office and you’re downstairs and you’ll be sending me text messages with notes, ideas, and you were sending me back to back, actually, we were talking about a little bit and then an hour

Past. We always talk about five things at once. I was like,

Yeah. And then I got a text message and I totally forgot we were talking about notes. I was working on something else and I go read and you have this back to back list of things that we should say, but it sounded like you were just saying them to me and I was really encouraged by them that immediately for a half second I was like, wow, that was really encouraging. And then I immediately realized that you were giving me notes, ideas, and I responded with ’em. I was like, wow, those really worked. We should use those. That’s funny because they actually really did make me feel really good.

What’s funny is I had the idea to share them with you because I was trying to think of the notes for this episode and I was thinking, what are some phrases or things that I say that I know make Erin feel good so it makes sense that they were powerful

And right when you did.

And that means I know you. I

Know. And right when you did, I was like, then I laughed at myself. I was like, oh, she’s sending me notes. But at the same time, I was still really blessed by them. I know

I meant every word.

You mean them still.

I meant every word.

So we’re just going to go straight into these. These are going to be words, phrases, things that we should be saying to each other. And why don’t you start with the first one.

Okay. But it’s actually one that you say to me a lot. You’re good at reminding both of us when things come up, conflict hits, difficult times, whatever. Yeah. You are not my enemy.

This is

A huge one. We are not enemies.

Often in our marriages we feel like enemies.

Yeah, not often, but I would say when hard times press, when you have different opinions about something and it gets heated or you just,

That’s a good correction. It’s not often, but the place that we’re going to feel like the person closest to us, our spouse, when we’re irritable, when we’re frustrated, when we’re hurt, when we’re sad, when we’re scared, when we’re lonely, we’re going to feel like that person’s the one that’s the enemy to us.

And even if we don’t think or believe that our spouse is the enemy, our actions sometimes show that,

Yeah, why are you treating me like an enemy? Why does it feel like I’m your enemy right now? Did I do something to make you feel like that? Sometimes we can act as enemies, sometimes we can be coming against each other. But the truth is we are not enemies. We’re on the same team. And that’s something that we have to remind each other of. We have to remember that because what that does is it reorientate our hearts and be like, wow, why am I behaving this way? Why am I acting this way? Why am I speaking this way? Why am I treating you this way?

Which some things to think about along the lines of when hardship or conflict or differing of opinions collide. It could also come up when you’re feeling stressed or anxious or irritable when your hormones and your body is just saying, Hey, I’m not okay, but instead of addressing it, you kind of take it out on your spouse’s. True. That’s when it happens to,

They’re often the easiest person to take these things out on instead of going to them as someone that can support us in those times.

So we have some scripture that we wanted to share with you guys today.

Go ahead. Amos three. Three says, can two walk together except they be agreed. So what’s cool about this verse is it’s this idea of we are walking together by agreement that we’re on the same team, that we’ve made a choice to be one and unified. That’s what our marriage means. And so when we’re acting as enemies, believing that we’re enemies, we’re not in agreement, we’re not walking together, we’re not unified. So we need to remember that to walk together. We must be agreed upon. So who we are together,

Which I think that second part you just said might answer this question, but for those listening and for me, can you still walk together unified and in agreement when you don’t agree on something? Of

Course,

Because that’s going to happen, marriage, right?

Absolutely. The way we deal with those disagreements proves that we are not enemies. The way we treat each other, the way we respond to each other way we walk through those things together, being respectful, because the goal is not that we are both compliant, the goal is that we’re unified, that we’re one. And so that’s the idea is two walk together by agreement, we’re on the same team. So it actually changes a lot. Just simple as when you’re in a conflict and argument, just reminding each other, Hey, I know we’re in conflict right now, but we’re not enemies. Yeah,

Just affirming that unity.

Yeah. So let’s walk through this difficulty, the bottom line. Let’s walk through this disagreement.

That’s good

As partners, not enemies.

Okay. The next verse is Genesis 2 24, which you’ve all heard, but it says, therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh. Now, is this a onetime event when they get married or

Well, I think the

Idea, yes.

Spiritually you’re immediately one. It’s not something like one day you’ll be one. It’s like you are one. This is something that you’ve come together. You are now a unified single entity, two individuals, one thing. But over time, the idea is that we’re reminding each other like, Hey, we’re one, we need to act like it. And so it’s a constant. It’s like a, and also we were that we are, we are becoming that. We are that we are becoming that we remain that always reminding each other of that. So good. Next verses one Peter three, eight. Finally, all of you have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, and a tender heart and a humble mind.

Which one of, sorry, you were going to say something? No good. I was just going to ask, which one of those do you relate to the most or is easiest for you in our marriage to I got another, or do

I how you asked me that question. Tender heart is something I’m working on. It’s not easy for me. Humble mind is also not easy for me, but I would say none of these are natural for me. Yeah.

Well I think that’s true for everyone, but tender heart stood out to me too. I think just that phrase of when you’re remembering or reminding each other that you’re not an enemy or that you’re on the same page, that’s kind of like how other people say it too. We’ve said it before, Hey, we’re on the same page, is having a tender heart toward each other. Even when,

Because an enemy is something you want to destroy,

Which we don’t want to do that

Someone who’s on your team, somebody who’s on the same playing field as you, somebody who’s on your side, you don’t want to destroy them, you want to help make them better, and then they want to make you better and you want to protect each other. So it’s a much different mindset to have. Last verse

One Peter five, eight says, be sober, reminded, be watchful. Your adversary, the devil, p prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour. Now you might be one who naturally and often reminds us that we’re not enemies. I feel like I tend to remind us, Hey, we actually have an enemy. It’s true. We have an enemy. When we feel down or discouraged or disappointed even about something, even relationally outside of our marriage, like other relationships, I feel like I’m quick to remind us, Hey, there’s an enemy. Well,

And it’s important to know who the enemy is so that you don’t mistake your spouse for the enemy

Misidentified. Yeah.

And the Bible tells us in other places it says that our fight is not against flesh and blood. It’s not against your spouse or your neighbor or it’s not a person. These are spiritual things that we’re dealing with. So often when we’re feeling those, that stress, that irritability, all those things that come against us, or even worse things, harder things. These are spiritual battles that we’re in the midst of. And who better to do that with than your spouse? And so you don’t want to just pour all of that enemy nature onto your spouse and say, oh, you are the problem. You are the one or

Animosity.

So we need to remind each other, remind each other that so good that we do have an enemy and it is not each other.

Alright, well, the next phrase that we’re going to say, Hey, we should be sharing these things with our spouse is I am for you.

I don’t know how many husbands need to hear this, but I would imagine wives need to hear this also, all of us do. If your wife came to you and said, I am for you. I’m on your side. I believe in you. I want what’s best for you, I’m here for you. How can we make this happen? That is such an encouraging, empowering feeling, being told that. And so it’s similar to the first one, but there’s something much more here. When someone says they believe in us, it makes us, builds us up. It’s like, whoa. Because often we feel like we have to be the one that has enough energy and belief for

Ourselves, for ourselves,

But it’s not often enough. We need someone else to believe in us, someone else to raise us up and someone else to look at us and say, I see more in you than you see in

Yourself. And not just anyone else, but specifically your spouse. And I think that there’s times when we say or do things that maybe we’re not intending to say, I don’t believe in you, or I don’t see your potential, or I don’t support what you’re doing. But it comes out that way and it really does feel deflating when that

Happens. Well, would you say the opposite of this would be, maybe it’s not saying I’m against you, but what are things that would make someone feel like their spouse is against them?

The first thing that comes to my mind is if you are excited to do something and you’re really going for it, and let’s say this weekend you have planned out to set time aside and do this thing and your spouse comes along and is not supporting you and giving you that time or not wanting to do it with you or making a stink about it in a way you’re getting in my way. I think all those kind of reactionary ways saying, I’m not for you. You’re saying I’m not for you.

What about if a husband who’s trying to spiritually lead and he’s like, I don’t know how to do bible time, but I’m going to try and read a little bit with the kids in the morning. If a wife comes and critiques him

Or says, you’re not doing it,

You should didn’t go

Long enough. Enough or criticism is so damaging to a relationship. And I think especially when it’s done harshly can really say the opposite of this phrase.

And I think spouses, that was one example of the wife towards the husband, but it goes both ways. A wife trying to teach their kids the word of God or to homeschool or to get into sports with their kids or whatever they could be trained to do, and a husband critiques that instead of encouraging saying, man, I’m on your side. How can I help you grow in this? I’m so proud of you, I’m here for you. And it comes in so many different ways and I think it’s when we don’t see what they’re doing, we don’t see their hearts. We’re not seeing the best in them,

Not seeing the best in them. Yeah, I think that’s right on. I have an example I want to share, but I don’t want to make you feel like less than or anything, but do it. Okay, bring it. So it’s really small and superficial, but the reason that I want to bring it up is because I think our words really matter. And sometimes we can say things that don’t say, Hey, I’m for you or I support you in this. And so if I share this, I hope that you guys can use it to just evaluate the way that you communicate with your spouse and see if there’s any area of your life that maybe you’re doing this. Because even though it’s small, it could be a big thing. So several times over our marriage, I’ll load the dishwasher a certain way and you come behind me and I would say it’s more done sarcastically or you’re making fun of, but you’ll say, who loaded this dishwasher, it’s me. Or you’ll just make a comment. And it’s not uplifting, it’s not encouraging, it’s kind of making fun of saying it wasn’t done right or efficiently and

Because you didn’t put the cups in the way I put them in

Because I didn’t do it like you. And I think often, I mean fill in the blank of whatever activity it is, sometimes we think in our pride and in our selfishness that we do things better than our spouse or we do things the right way and we want our spouse to do it our way, but they don’t. And sometimes our words can really have a lasting impact or kind of sit with us too long. And then it makes us feel like, I know I’ve sat there before going, why did I even load the dishwasher? I’m going to stop loading the dishwasher if I’m not doing it right. Which again, superficial, I’m not bringing this up to make you feel bad. I just think,

No, we’ve already talked about this. Okay, I just think just everyone know we’ve already talked about this.

I don’t

Remember. She’s come to me and you’ve told me like, Hey, it doesn’t feel good when I’m trying to do it and you critique me in this way.

Okay. So anyways, I just think that we should be careful about how we’re doing things and sarcasm is one of those things that maybe we don’t tie it to criticism, but that’s what it is. It’s a joking way of criticizing, it’s passive aggressive, it’s passive aggressive, and it could be hurtful. But

At the end of the day, if that’s something that I desire you to do or my kids to do or anyone to do, and not just the dishwasher, but anything, I should encourage that.

Yeah. What’s that thing, that quote that you always say from

Jordan Peterson? Jordan. Peter Peterson. Yeah. He’s like, don’t punish the behavior you wish to see repeated. And it’s true. If you punish behavior you wish to see repeated, then that behavior is not going to be repeated. And so that’s a good point, and it is a small thing, but that gets played out in so many different areas of our life of a way of telling your spouse that you are not for them. And essentially what it’s saying is, I’m only for you if you become like me, this other thing or this

Other thing,

Which isn’t even really defined. And so criticism becomes the norm of communication rather than praise, rather than, wow, this is awesome. So proud of you. Wow, thank you so much. This made me feel so special.

I wonder if some of those smaller things were exemplified for us in childhood and so they kind of stuck with us and then we’re responding kind of the same way either our parents did or someone else in our life

Who just kind of by default,

By default, and we’re not even recognizing it. So look out for those little things that are saying, I’m not for you and let’s change ’em to be I am for you. Thank you. Have gratitude. Thank you for doing the dishes. Or if there’s an idea of how you could do something better, instead of using sarcasm or criticism, going to them and being like, Hey, is there any way you could work on doing this this way if you really care that much about whatever the thing is.

I think some of it might be from environment like what we gleaned from our parents or what we’ve seen, but I think it’s probably more easily defined by, so we’re saying I’m for you. I think it’s more easily defined when we say I’m for myself, and so let’s go back to the dishes, the dishwasher scenario. I do the dishwasher a certain way, and so when I take the time and the energy and I do it and I have it done that way when I see someone else not do it the way I did it, when I’m for myself, I’m for me, it’s almost like I take offense to it or I take it personally like, well, why can’t you do it the way I do it? You’ve had the same issue with lots of things in my life on how I do something. Well,

Also with the kids, I know this isn’t really about parenting. The next episode is, but I was just telling a girlfriend that I just recognized in myself. Maybe I have before, but really it hit me hard again, that I have this expectation that my kids are going to do things and say things and act in the same manner that I do for myself, that I have this standard for myself and I want my kids to live up to and forgetting that they’re just kids and that they’re learning

And they’re also individuals

And individuals and different personalities and everything. And so you have to let go of some of those expectations and standards that you have for everyone around you and be more accepting.

So be less I’m for me and be more I’m for you. Yeah,

(23:18)
Totally. Yeah, that’s really good. The verse that we have for this is Hebrews three 13, but exhort one another every day, as long as it is called today that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. So that exhortation is that encouragement toward one another is like, Hey, I’m for you. Here’s what I see. Here’s truth for you. And so that exhortation, as long as it’s called today, is today still today, I mean we’re here. So if you’re listening to this, it’s still today. So we should be encouraging each other because sin is deceitful that I’m, for me mentality is deceitful where I could be saying, oh, I’m just making a joke. And really it’s tearing you down. And we become deceived by sin in our life when we’re for ourselves, but when we’re for each other, when I’m for my wife, I can maybe help her when she’s in sin and she doesn’t see it, or I can encourage her and remind her of how valuable she is to me and how good she is and how proud I am of her. And we should be doing that for each other.

We can be all those things. Sounds so nice

For each other. Yes,

Do that.

Number three, there’s a phrase that every spouse wants to hear. I would say probably the husband more, but I don’t know. Nowadays. Nowadays it’s probably pretty equal.

Yeah, I would say equal.

And the phrase is, I want you,

And I would say even if you don’t hear those specific words, it’s definitely shown can be shown.

Well, it’s always shown. It’s always

Shown or not shown. Or not shown. Yeah. Yeah. This is more action oriented, but it’s still sending a message.

The definition of want is have a desire to possess, to have to have and to hold in the vows, but to contain something, to hold something. So this is huge for husbands, but again, I imagine this is probably very important for wives and we might be seeing these in slightly different ways, maybe more physical, maybe more emotional, but either way,

Both are important.

I want you, I want to know you. I want to be with you. I want to

Be near you. I want to engage with you. Yeah,

I want you and no one else. So of course this has a sexual sexuality to it, an intimacy to it, but at the same time, there’s so much more power in this statement. It’s not just a lustful want.

So the first thing that came to my mind was this morning I was sitting on the couch with the kids and you walked by before you went to work and kissed the top of my head and you kind of brushed my hair, and I remember just thinking That was really sweet.

I

Want you because you want me, but you don’t do it every single day. But when you do do it, it’s like, oh, not only I should do, not only are you

Should do

More. Not only in that moment are you saying I want you because I know what that means for you, that you’re recognizing me through touch, but it actually makes me want it makes me want to be near you and like, no, don’t go. Yeah.

Well, there’s something powerful about showing that to your spouse because it does that very thing. It encourages the same in your spouse, and so it becomes this reciprocal, but it doesn’t start with me saying, I’m going to wait for her to want me. Then I’ll want her. It goes the other way you want and then they will want, and it is just a beautiful thing to be wanted. Who doesn’t want to be wanted? We all

Do deep down inside, we all do.

And as a spouse, regardless of sex, that’s a big thing for many men. It’s also now, I just got an email recently. It’s a big thing for many wives, and there’s this role reversal that’s happened. Same scenario though. Your spouse is the only one who should want you and can have you, and not just sexually, but in that emotional way, there is no other person you can go to get emotional needs

Met,

Physical needs met. There’s no other person I can go to get. We are the only ones. And so understanding that and letting your spouse know that you want them,

Here’s the detriment of the opposite of this you guys is when you give the cold shoulder or you don’t make eye contact,

You make your spouse feel like they’re not wanted.

Yeah. You make them feel like, why am I even in the same house right now? I just feel like going back to number one, I’m the enemy or something like that. I think that this is a really important one that we should really, really consider. Are we sending the right message and are we receiving that message? I want you,

If we say the opposite of this to our spouse, and I’m not saying in a moment because that’ll happen in a moment

More so over time though moment by moment.

But this is a consistent message your spouse is getting from you that you don’t want them. That puts your marriage in such a dangerous place. And you just got to ask yourself, do you not want to be wanted? And if you love yourself in a way that you want to be wanted, then that’s how you should love your spouse. It’s the golden rule. Love your neighbor as yourself. So if you want to be wanted, then want them, want your spouse.

Okay, number four, we are good together. I like this one. We are good together. It’s very teammanship,

But again, this is something that spouses need to hear.

This is something I’m much better at recognizing in hindsight. I see our accomplishments, I see all the to-do lists even from just this last weekend. We’re good together. Yeah. What were we able to do? Oh, we are so good together.

But it’s harder looking forward. It’s like, well, can we really do that? Should we do that? Why?

Sometimes I’m not even thinking about it, honestly, I’m not moving forward in a direction of thinking we’re good together. It’s more of a recognition that we’re good together.

I think there’s a kind of a poison that’s been in a lot of marriages, even in Christian marriages of this idea that we’re not good together. That this is wrong, that I married the wrong person, that I’m not happy or we don’t mesh well and it’s poison and we need to know that we are good together. That’s the point is we’re good together. When there’s disunity, we’re not good and that’s bad. And so there’s a quote I want to read real quick.

Do it

From marriage. I forgot on page

Two 16. Two

16,

I only know because it’s noted, I noted it. I know what quote you’re

Going to share. So here’s the quote right here. It says, your marriage is a gift, not just to the two of you, but to the world. You’re good together that your marriage, when you are walking in unity, when you are walking in wholeness, when you are walking in oneness, when you’re walking in holiness together, you’re a gift to your children. You’re a gift to each other. You’re a gift to your neighbors. You’re a gift to your church. You are so useful and needed, so you are good together. That’s what God intends for us.

What would you say are some reasons or things that get in the way of clouding people’s mind from seeing the truth that they’re good together?

Selfishness. When you have one spouse who sees, it could even be ministry, like what they’re doing for God is more important than what’s going on in their marriage together. Together, and that their spouse just gets in the way of it, or their spouse is just here to support what they do. And that’s not true. It’s not reality. I may be a pastor of a church, but I don’t see you just as the person prepping me up so I can continue to be a pastor of a church. I actually look at my ministry to you and our home as of first importance. And there’s so many times that we have discussions about my ministry in our church, and if that needs to take a break, well, we can work on this and that should be the order. It should be this first, then our kids and then everything outside that. And so that selfishness, seeing what one spouse is doing, one spouse elevating their goals in life, their role in life, their ministry in life, whatever they are thinking about as first and foremost as most important, breaks that hole we’re good together because now it’s like, I’m good without you, so don’t get in my way or help me, which is not unity. That’s backwards.

That’s really good. To add to that, I would say when there’s situational things that happen that maybe you get embarrassed by your spouse or maybe you get really frustrated by your spouse. So there’s these really intense emotions that you dwell on and you think about and they kind of cause cracks in that unity.

You’ve never been embarrassed by me, have you? No.

But if I don’t communicate those things to you and I just let them be, let’s say it happens again. Okay? So that builds up and then becomes

Rift gets bigger,

And bitterness, resentment, a frustration, all of these things that remind me, oh, we’re not good together. And so our encouragement to you guys is if any of those things happen, be willing to go to your spouse, but also give them grace and know that they’re not, if you get embarrassed by something that they say or do, they’re not doing that intentionally. And if they are, maybe bringing it to the surface and talking about it will bring that out. And then you guys can reconcile. But leaving things open-ended those intense feelings of whether it’s embarrassment or frustration or anger or you name it, left unsaid could really do some damage. And so you need to believe that you’re good together and you need to kind of extinguish all the lies that will come at you that say you’re not,

Yeah, I didn’t get the statistics, but there was lots of statistics about married couples versus single people and just overall satisfaction, life satisfaction, overall wealth, overall health and people that are married in general statistically are higher in all of those categories, which is really cool. But specifically when it comes to being good together, things like our children, those are good things. And that only happened because we’re together and our children and us remaining together and us working together and us growing together and raising our children together. That’s good. And that’s the best form of good that can happen in a family.

And we should be acknowledging these good things that happen between us and affirm each other by recognizing them and bringing them to the surface to talk about and saying, Hey, I recognized something today, or I saw something today. The Lord reminded me of something today that I just wanted to share with you, because that’s encouraging.

There’s a pretty famous verse that goes with this. Ecclesiastes 4, 9 2 are better than one because they have a good return, a good reward for their toil. And that’s true just statistically. And it’s true. You know this. When you work together, when you’re on the same page and when there’s not turmoil, when there’s not chaos, when there’s not division, everything’s much more peaceful, much more successful,

You get more done,

You get more done, man. Your reward is good. And so you’re not working in vain, so you’re good together.

Alright, number five, God loves you. We need to be reminded of this because we are human, because there are all kinds of battles of the mind that we face daily that we get bombarded with, whether they’re lies or doubts or insecurities, you name it. We need to be reminded of the truth. And the truth is God loves you. He wrote a whole book to tell you

And he sent his son to show you. So it wasn’t just words, it was action. And actually his word that he sent is the word, yeah. Reminding each other of Christ’s finished work. This is something that you’ve done for me in the past when I’m walking through certain sins, it’s something I’ve done for you. When you

Walking, I feel discouraged through fears and anxieties or depression,

Being reminded of the truth of God’s love, the

Gospel

Of the gospel of Jesus Christ,

The power of it.

It’s probably the most important thing you can share with your spouse and remind them of and desire them to share with you. One Corinthians 15, one through four. Now I would remind you brothers of the gospel, I preach to you which you received in which you stand, and by which you are being saved. If you hold fast to the word I preach to you, unless you believed in vain, for I delivered to you as of first importance, what I also received, that Christ died for our sins. And according with scriptures, in accordance with scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with scriptures. Paul, he tells the church and reminds them of the gospel. And this is something that you get throughout scriptures, this reminding of don’t forget the gospel. Remember what Jesus did for you. Remember who you are in Christ. Remember the work that he did over and over and over again. And so why should we not do it with our spouse? I think more so than anyone in your life, you should remind your spouse of the gospel, remind your children of the gospel and again, outside those circles.

So again, keep going. Okay, the next one is okay, I know it’s simple,

I’m not going to do it, but

We all that’s funny.

I’m not going to do

It. We all know this is true. And I think more so we’re sharing this today because you might be the one listening right now that you need to go to your spouse and do this. It’s saying, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

This is not easy

For some, Aaron has not found this one as easy in our marriage. But that’s also because there’s lots of times when I just feel a certain way and I’m like, can’t you just say I’m sorry for? And

In my mind I’m like, I dunno how I could possibly do that because

It wasn’t my fault or whatever. But anyways, we had some funny conversations around that saying, I’m sorry, is so valuable to marriage.

And when we say that we mean truly be sorry, truly be repentant. Truly recognize, wow, what I spoke, what I did, how I behaved.

Remember that verse we shared earlier that says, have a humble heart. This is required in order to say I’m sorry sincerely. And when we say we’re sorry, we are initiating reconciliation in our marriage by taking responsibility for the things that we do do wrong. And you know what you guys, we are going to do wrong? Just like I messed up last week and said things disrespectfully to Aaron and hurt his feelings and it stopped our whole work process. I have to take responsibility for that. And that kind of stuff happens all the time in marriage. It does. It could be small, it could be ginormous, but regardless of it, we need to be willing to repent for the wrong that we do and say that we’re sorry.

And I know that there’s people out there that struggled to say this ever, that they don’t know how to recognize or to admit fault, admit wrongdoing. But it’s exactly what we should be doing. It’s laying down our pride. It’s putting our flesh to death, repentance and apology and recognizing sin in our life publicly announcing it before your spouse, whoever wronged, if it’s your spouse, if it’s your children, if it’s your friend, is a gift that God gave us, a tool that God gave us to put to death the deeds of our flesh. Our flesh did something. We let it have its way. We gave into that temptation. Whatever it is, recognizing that what God has said is true, recognizing that what we did was wrong, going to the person we wronged and apologizing and repenting of that before them with a true heart. A humble heart is a way of helping kill that old man off.

And it really is transforming. It changes things big

Time. Last one. And it’s tied to

It’s in response to

Yeah. And actually it doesn’t even need to be in response to, I forgive you.

So you’re saying even if they don’t say, I’m sorry,

Yes, that’s a hard thing to do, but forgiveness, we’ve talked about this in past episodes, and this is such a powerful thing. Forgiveness is not contingent on repentance. Reconciliation is for the husband and wife or any two relationships to be mended, reconciled. There needs to be repentance and forgiveness.

And how do you know that this is true? That it’s not contingent.

I know this for a fact because Jesus himself says that yet while we are still sinners, Christ died for us. Even before we repented, even before we asked for forgiveness, even before we, anything we’ve done, Christ forgave

Us. So I said that saying, I’m sorry, initiates reconciliation, but really forgiveness. I mean in our relationship with God, like Jesus initiated, he

Initiated

Through forgiveness.

Yeah, his work was the initiation of the reconciliation process. But the only way reconciliation happens is when we receive that forgiveness, recognize our wrong and repent of it. So we believe we’re like, oh God, you did forgive us. Thank you. I’m so sorry that I’m a sinner. Thank you for forgiving me. So recognizing our fault, recognizing our sin, but first, receiving that forgiveness. I don’t deserve it, but you forgave me. Thank you.

So you used the word believe that we would believe that we are forgiven in our relationship with our spouse. How do we believe that they’re truly sorry? Or how do we believe that they actually forgive us? And how do we get past those insecurities of feeling like it wasn’t sincere? Or maybe we’re just really struggling with that. I know we’ve been there. I’m sure those listening have been there. Well,

I think that’s a very hard question to answer because to believe that your spouse is truly repentant, really, it’s less about belief and it’s more about time and walking with them and seeing them change and grow, which goes both ways. A proof of their words, and that’s a reality thing. But forgiveness shouldn’t be contingent on that. We don’t withhold forgiveness until someone changes. That’s not how the gospel works. And what’s awesome about forgiveness specifically is that we’re commanded to forgive. Not because someone deserves forgiveness or because someone has earned forgiveness, but because we have been forgiven. And so God shows us the template by which we’re to forgive. He says, because I have forgiven, you must also forgive those who have trespassed against you. And so that’s the model that we walk in as believers, is we can have a walk in forgiveness toward our spouse, towards our friends, towards our enemies, regardless if they change.

(42:11)
Now in marriage, we can walk in forgiveness. That doesn’t mean there isn’t going to be boundaries that need to be set up. That doesn’t mean that there doesn’t need to be time or distance or prayerfully understanding what that needs to look like. But forgiveness is not a contingent on repentance. That’s a hard thing for a lot of believers to understand. But that’s exactly how the gospel works, and it’s a hard thing for a lot of believers to understand for themselves. We often walk in this way, and this is often why we have a hard time forgiving our spouses of things, especially if we don’t believe that we are forgiven. If we have a hard time understanding how Christ could possibly forgive me, why I deserve forgiveness.

What does that unforgiveness do to a person?

It’s like the other thing I talked about. It’s poison. It feels

Like a trap. It

Destroys us from the inside out. It entraps our hearts, it holds us down. It keeps us distant. There’s lots of stories in the New Testament about this understanding how forgiveness works, but your spouse needs to hear it. This is something that’s really beautiful.

What has happened in our relationship. When I say I forgive you,

It’s healing, mending. It’s also it draws me closer to you totally. And the same for you. When I

Tell you I forgive you, I’ve literally wept from hearing the words. I forgive you when I feel like I’ve sinned against you, messed up hurt you, and total reconciliation, like immediate, immediate unification and intimacy.

And this is what’s really cool about what you’re saying. When you shared something with me and I forgave you, it’s easy for us to see. Forgiveness is like, well, I didn’t know you had done that thing, so I didn’t know you needed forgiveness. And so now that I know it, I can forgive you, but really my forgiveness that I have for you, the reason it’s called forgiveness is it’s something given before. It’s not that I had forgiveness for you in that moment. You are already forgiven in my heart even before I knew you did that thing. And that’s how Christ works. I love that what Christ did on the cross. It was for past, present, future, all encompassing. So it’s not like, oh, I did this thing today and now Jesus like, oh, that thing. Oh yeah, I’ll forgive that. No, you’ve been forgiven before you ever confessed that sin.

I think there’s a really powerful beauty in what you’re saying in regards to marriage because there’s safety in it, because then the next time something happens, which it will because we’re made of flesh and we’re going to sin, being able to bring that thing that’s hard to you and saying, I’m sorry, it feels safer. It feels like, I know I don don’t know exactly how you’re going to respond, but I know it needs to be said and it feels like I can come to you. And I wonder if some people feel like they can’t go to God because they’re embarrassed or feel shame or guilt and it’s so strong and they don’t know how he’s going to respond, that they end up not saying anything at all. What would you encourage them listening?

Well, I would encourage that the Bible tells us that your sins are, as far as the east is from the West. That’s how far God has removed them from you. And what that means is that what Christ in on the cross, when God looks at you, he sees Jesus, he sees his completed work. And so you are fully forgiven. And so what you’re feeling is the enemy lying to you that you’re not forgiven until you go and fall down in your face before God. And now we should go and repent before God, but he already sees you as perfect and clean in Christ and what Christ is doing as your brother, as your coheir, as your savior is walking with you and transforming you and making you more like himself. That’s what he’s purchased for you. But I want to go take that back to your spouse, not just when you feel like you can’t go to God. I think often spouses feel like they can’t go to their spouse. And I do think there’s a fear that there’s probably a lot of people thinking right now, if I pre forgive my spouse and no matter what they do, they’re already forgiven by me, then they’re just going to do whatever they want

Or do it again and again.

And that has been a fear of yours. And it may feel that way even like they keep falling into this. But we need to remember that the forgiveness that we have in Christ wasn’t contingent on us.

Amen.

Okay, so maybe your spouse is going to keep doing something and that’s hard and hurts in reality. They’re sinning against God and they’re hurting God. And yes, it hurts you and yes, they’re sinning against you. But our practice as believers is to walk in Jesus’s footsteps, is to not raise ourselves up above Christ but to be beneath him. He is our savior. And if Christ lowered himself even to the point of death in order to purchase for himself us, then that’s what we need to practice walking in that same forgiveness for our spouse. And I promise you, it will transform your marriage. And so that’s a lot. So

Good. So good. I hope you guys were encouraged today. Listen, I just on the spot came up with a small challenge because I think today’s episode was so necessary for marriages. I’m going to read back through what the seven phrases or powerful words that you should be saying to your spouse, and I just want you to consider them and pick one. Just pick one that you can work on either today or this week to encourage you and your spouse and maybe share this list with them and encourage them to do the challenge too. Maybe have them pick the same one or a different one, however you want to do it. Here we go. You are not my enemy. I am for you. I want you. We are good together. God loves you. I’m sorry I forgive you.

By the way. Text message could be a way to do it, because when you sent it to me, I was like, wow, that felt good.

You just text all of them and you’re done with the challenge. It

Doesn’t have to be text in person would be great also, but that’s a good challenge. At least try and say one of those or try and say one every day

To spouse or pick the one that’s probably hardest for you in this moment and go with that one. And that’s a good point. We’re not going to keep making this harder for you guys. All

Right. Why don’t you pray for us?

Okay. Dear Lord, thank you so much for today’s episode and just everything that we covered, and we just pray that we would truly acknowledge the power of our words and the things that we can say and should say to our spouse. We pray that our words would be encouraging and uplifting, that we would remind each other of the gospel every day and the power of your love for us. We pray that we would be humble enough to say I’m sorry and that I forgive you often. God, we just lift up the marriages that are listening right now and just ask that you would be in the midst of their marriage. Lord, we pray that you would unify them, that you would draw them close together and help them to experience incredible and extraordinary intimacy together. And we just pray a blessing over this week, and we especially just pray that these phrases and these words that we share today would stick with them and that they would feel challenged and encouraged to pick one or two and just encourage each other with them in their marriage. In Jesus’ name, amen. Amen.

Thanks for joining us on this episode. We look forward to having you next time. So subscribe and tune in.