16 Best Pieces Of Marriage Advice Every Couple Needs To Hear From 16 Years Of Marriage

Jennifer (00:09):
Hi, and welcome to the Marriage After God podcast.

Aaron (00:12):
We’re your hosts Aaron Jennifer Smith.

Jennifer (00:13):
We have been married 15 years and have five sweet children who are growing up way too fast.

Aaron (00:18):
We love God and we love marriage,

Jennifer (00:20):
And we love to be honest about it

Aaron (00:21):
All. Marriage is not always a walk in the park, but we do believe it has a powerful purpose. So

Jennifer (00:26):
Our goal here is to open up the conversation to talk about our faith and our marriage,

Aaron (00:30):
Especially in light of the gospel.

Jennifer (00:32):
We certainly don’t have all the answers, but if you stick around, we may just make you

Aaron (00:35):
Laugh. But our hope is to encourage you to chase boldly after God’s purpose for your life together.

Jennifer (00:39):
This is after God.

Aaron (00:47):
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Marriage After God podcast. I’m Aaron Smith. I’m

Jennifer (00:52):
Jennifer <laugh>. I’m Jennifer.

Aaron (00:55):
I’m

Jennifer (00:56):
Jennifer. I’m Jennifer. Now. I don’t know what my regular is at calling. I’m Jennifer.

Aaron (01:01):
And we’re back for another episode. Episode 12. This is the last episode of season six.

Jennifer (01:05):
We made it

Aaron (01:08):
Thinking Made what? <laugh>. Well, it’s not

Jennifer (01:10):
Easy. This is a big deal for Aaron and I jumping back into podcasting. But we love it and we were already starting to talk about what’s up for next season, which will come out early spring.

Aaron (01:21):
And I’m always like, babe, I wanna get all new equipment. I want to redo our push. She’s like, the content’s more important. I’m like, <laugh>. You’re right. It’s

Jennifer (01:28):
True though. They’re all agreeing with me right now. They are. Okay. So in today’s episode, we are going to share our top 10, just kidding, 16 <laugh> bits of advice we have learned over the 16 years we’ve been married.

Aaron (01:42):
One, I did one for each

Jennifer (01:43):
Year. No, it’s great. Okay. It makes sense. I don’t know why I said 10. I think it’s Cuz most things are like a top 10 Yeah. Thing. But

Aaron (01:51):
This is 16. It’s even, it’s six better,

Jennifer (01:54):
Yeah.

Aaron (01:54):
16 years.

Jennifer (01:55):
I think I added one at the bottom. So maybe 17. <laugh>

Aaron (01:59):
<laugh> a bonus.

Jennifer (02:00):
It’s really how to do all of them. Okay. You’ll see. Okay. But before we do that, we must give you our sponsor update. So Aaron and I have written many books, <laugh> Marriage Resources for You, actually, not even just marriage prayer resources for your son and daughter, for your husband and wife. We have devotionals. We

Aaron (02:25):
Are praying for your future husband and future wife,

Jennifer (02:28):
For anyone listening that might

Aaron (02:29):
Be engaged or know someone engaged.

Jennifer (02:32):
We also have some traditionally published books, including The Unveiled Wife, which is the beginning of our marriage story and what God walked us through and marriage after God, which is all about your purpose for your marriage. And the reason I’m telling you all of this is because 2023 is right around the corner. And some people like to start off with a bang and start off with something in their hands to encourage them every day to grow closer to God or grow close, closer to their spouse or to their children. And start off the new year. Right? Start off the new year with something tangible to encourage and inspire and move you forward. Right? So move you forward. Move you forward. No, I said it right. So yeah, I just wanted to let you guys know that there are a handful of resources out there for you, from us. Aaron, why don’t you tell them where they can get them.

Aaron (03:23):
You can go to shop dot marriage after god.com and you can get all those books that we wrote. These books. Because when we started this ministry started this business, our thought was we didn’t want to just create any old product, something to support ourselves. We wanted to actually produce something

Jennifer (03:39):
That met a need

Aaron (03:40):
That and was meaningful and transformative and purposeful. And that’s what we did with these books is we wanted to inspire your prayer life. We wanted to get you into a daily devotional. And we used marriage for the most part as the focus of all that to draw you closer to God and to your spouse. And so if you wanna support this ministry, if you wanna support this podcast go pick up a book and tell someone about it. If you already have our books, we just wanna say thank you because you’ve there. There’s so many people that have gotten our books and have told us what they’ve meant to them. And we just wanna thank you for that. So if you already do have the book or one of our books, get another one of our books maybe. Or tell someone about ’em a big way to support the ministry as well,

Jennifer (04:23):
Or to go another step grab husband and wife after God and tell another couple to get husband and wife after God or get it for them. And then you guys go through it together. And then once a week or once every other week, talk about it. We’ve

Aaron (04:38):
Actually had a lot of marriages start small home groups with our devotionals. And I think that would be an amazing thing to do. Last episode, we talked a lot about getting close with other believers, getting in community. This is a great way to start that. Yeah.

Jennifer (04:54):
Because you have a purpose. You have something to work with. To align

Aaron (04:57):
With. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, that was it. Topic today, 16,

Jennifer (05:03):
Moving right along

Aaron (05:04):
16 years and 16 little bits of advice.

Jennifer (05:10):
Although when I was going through this list that we’ve made there was one that came very early on in the marriage that you did not put on here. It’s the one that stands out to me. Should we one of these? No, I don’t wanna replace any of ’em because it’s kind of funny doesn’t, not real advice, but maybe it is for some. Oh, what is

Aaron (05:27):
It? Just, we’ll start off with this.

Jennifer (05:29):
It was a newlywed piece of advice. Someone says to us, if you’re going to fight naked, oh yeah. Do you remember that? Yes. Somebody really told us this. And

Aaron (05:39):
We’ve had many fights. <laugh>, naked. I was going to say it. You,

Jennifer (05:44):
You’re like, don’t do it. But is it too much to say that there was a time in the beginning of our marriage where it became a joke? It was a joke. I

Aaron (05:53):
Know. It was also serious. So whoever came up with that advice, didn’t know how stubborn someone could be. It didn’t matter how naked you are, you could be holding on. You’re like, no. Okay. Not

Jennifer (06:05):
Giving in. Anyways. Hopefully some of you are

Aaron (06:07):
Fight naked. Yeah, right now. That’s the only advice we got for all of our 16 years.

Jennifer (06:15):
It’s not what it’s It’s brought us this far.

Aaron (06:16):
It’s brought us this far. Guys, <laugh>.

Jennifer (06:19):
All right. On a serious note coming in. Oh yep. Coming in at number one,

Aaron (06:25):
<laugh> number one. And if you have been following us for any length of time, you should know this one. And the first tip, it is

Jennifer (06:35):
The most important one.

Aaron (06:37):
It is the most important

Jennifer (06:38):
One.

Aaron (06:39):
Now I beg, should we have put it at the end? Nope. Nope. We’re going to just start right off with it. Pray

Jennifer (06:45):
A lot, A lot. Exclamation mark.

Aaron (06:48):
Yeah. This is not like, thank you Lord for the food, which you should pray for your food. You should thank Lord for your food. I’m saying pray for everything. It should be so common in your marriage that it is not an awkward, weird thing for you. Would you agree?

Jennifer (07:02):
Yeah, of course. We have friends of ours who they live outta state, not in our state. And whenever we are in conversation with them, they talk about how they in that week we’re knelt down on the floor, face down, crying before the Lord in prayer for each other or for their family. And they had a lot of challenges with just their family and they went through a lot of adoption and stuff with their kids. That was just hard. But I was always encouraged when I heard that their response to it all is prayer, was not just prayer, but they’re on their knees, they’re face down, praying to the Lord, plea petitioning for his help and support. And then they’d have these wild stories of how God spoke to them or used someone else to encourage them or sent something that they needed and covered things. And it was just, I don’t know why that just came to my mind and really inspired me. So I wanted to share

Aaron (08:02):
It and not just praying when it’s hard. I think that’s often where we end up in prayer is we’re in a hard thing. But pray for everything. Pray with your kids for the good things. Be vocal in front of your wife and in front of your spouse about the things that are on your heart before the Lord. Some notes I have here is regularly going before God with your spouse, for your spouse helps grow you and your spouse. You get to communicate with each other to God. And something that’s really neat about that is when you’re pla praying out loud, often your spouse gets to hear things that are in inside your heart that have not come out yet. Things that you’re concerned about, things that you care about, things that you wanna lift to the Lord.

Jennifer (08:54):
So there’s a revealing, a knowing, proc

Aaron (08:57):
It. It’s exactly what it is. The Bible talks a lot about this being known by God or rather or says knowing God or rather being known by God. It’s a powerful thing. So when you’re doing this with your spouse, it adds a immensely deep spiritual layer to the knowledge you have of your spouse and with your spouse.

Jennifer (09:18):
And the more consistent you do it, the easier it becomes. And I just wanted say that because I think sometimes our flesh gets in the way or it feels uncomfortable to pray together. But the more you practice, the more you do, the easier it does become. And I was just thinking as we were talking about prayer, I was thinking about Edie lately. She’s just been jumping on the tail end of anyone’s prayer. Thank you God for everything.

Aaron (09:41):
Yeah. She wants to pray every time. And I love it. So prayer, pray a lot make it easier. And I don’t wanna put another ad, but I’m one of the reasons we wrote 31 prayers for my Husband through one prayers for my wife is to help in this area, is to be a catalyst and inspiration for your prayer life. To inspire the types of things that you could, should be desired to be praying about. Which

Jennifer (10:04):
I really like. I really like the subtitle for those books. It’s seeing God move in his heart, seeing God move in her heart.

Aaron (10:11):
Because you’re intentionally looking for God to move. You’re like, okay, God, which I love. Yeah, I love that. What’s number two?

Jennifer (10:17):
Number two,

Aaron (10:18):
Tip two, advice two, little snippet.

Jennifer (10:21):
Most likely always no <laugh>. Most likely you are the one who is wrong.

Aaron (10:27):
Okay, let me reiterate that. So this only goes for those that are listening. Most likely you are the one who is wrong. Okay. Ouch. Think about it. But both of you’re looking at each other right now. No, I’m talking to you when you fight, when you’re in an argument whether or not you think you’re

Jennifer (10:48):
Right. Okay. Even if it’s not a fight or an argument, maybe it’s a way of doing something like loading the dishwasher.

Aaron (10:54):
No, don’t throw

Jennifer (10:56):
That in. No, no. I’m just saying cuz it’s funny because

Aaron (10:58):
Usually I’m right when it comes to the

Jennifer (11:00):
Dishwasher. Aaron thinks I lo the dishwasher wrong and he comes behind me and fixes it. But I’m being completely honest, I’m not, what I’m saying is

Aaron (11:06):
I’m being completely honest. That’s an objective thing I can bring, bring someone in and we’ll evaluate or ways of, I’m

Jennifer (11:12):
Just kidding. I’m just saying it’s not always a fighter an argument. Sometimes it’s just a way of being or a thought pattern or a habit. You

Aaron (11:18):
Know what I mean? Yeah. The advice is specifically in a fight or an argument when there’s strife. Strife, yeah. When you’re walking in strife, it doesn’t even matter if you are right. We’re called not to walk in strife. Strife is a flesh response.

Jennifer (11:35):
We’re called to be peacemakers.

Aaron (11:36):
It’s sin. So I often, Jennifer and I will be, if we’re having a disagreement and I could just feel the Holy Spirit telling me, why are you fighting? Why are you disagree? Why are you filled? Why are you all browed up, Aaron? And I’m like, I’m wrong. I’m wrong.

Jennifer (11:55):
Then why does it take you so long to tell me that <laugh>? I don’t know, Jennifer. I don’t know.

Aaron (12:01):
But most likely you’re the wrong one who’s wrong? And here’s the benefit of knowing this. If you both think this man, there’ll be much less fights. And if there is a argument, it’ll be way shorter. Cuz it’ll be so much quicker to be like, Hey, I’m so sorry. I’m wrong. Which is a pretty good way to diffuse any bite. True. I’m wrong. Yeah. That’s what I’ve been trying to say,

Jennifer (12:26):
<laugh>. All right. Number three, we are finite limited creatures. Yes we are.

Aaron (12:31):
We did a podcast about this, I think in season one.

Jennifer (12:35):
I think we’ve hit it in every season actually in different ways

Aaron (12:38):
Because it matters. We forget so quickly how incapable we are of doing everything we want to do. Jennifer, do you have 50 things currently always running through you? The list of your mind always that you wanna do right now? Yes. That you can’t do? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Always. We’re finite. And the reason this is a good bit of advice for you in your marriage is twofold. If you wife or husband, I’m not going to say who more regularly. They’re

Jennifer (13:07):
Both wrong. So

Aaron (13:08):
Yeah, they’re both wrong than better. Have this list of things that you want to do. It doesn’t matter what they are. And you don’t realize that you can’t possibly do all of it either right now or in the near fu future, but yet you pursue ’em. You’re going to push your family and your spouse burnout in a way that’s unhealthy and impossible to deal with.

Jennifer (13:34):
And then you will also meet the devastating effect of unmet expectation and disappointment

Aaron (13:44):
Every time. But if you recognize, so a piece of advice that gets attached to this device is if you want something, let’s say you wanna learn a new skill. I want to play guitar. Jennifer, you want, you’re learning guitar

Jennifer (13:58):
When you get a chance, I want to learn guitar. It’s one of the things on the list.

Aaron (14:02):
It’s going to take a sacrifice somewhere else because you can’t do that. And everything else you have on your list currently.

Jennifer (14:08):
That’s true.

Aaron (14:09):
Now that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. And that doesn’t mean there’s not something on your list that you should get rid of <laugh>. Because often we fill our time with things that we want to be doing. So if there is something that we wanna do, if there’s something that you wanna do with your spouse, then you gotta be real. And you gotta evaluate the things that you’re currently doing, the things that you currently fill your time with. And you gotta pick and choose. And that’s just a reality is you’re a finite limited creature that if you wanna do something over here, then something over there has to give. Yeah. And that’s just the reality of

Jennifer (14:42):
Life. I watched something and they were talking about how we have all these things that we wanna do and because it’s our desire to do them, we do pieces of them here, here, but then we start, we’ll never do anything. But we never actually do the things that we want. We never, same thing. It’s never completed or brought to, there’s no closure in it because we didn’t ever do it fully. We just did a piece of it. And then we run ourselves into the ground and we’re tired and emotionally spent because we’re trying to do a million things at once. And the encouragement was if there’s something that you can do everything, maybe not. So just do one everything time as long as you do one thing at a time. And so take the first thing that you really wanna accomplish and just focus on that one thing until it’s done. And so maybe that also will help bring perspective into this.

Aaron (15:31):
Yeah.

Jennifer (15:32):
Point. Good. Yeah.

Aaron (15:34):
Okay, number four, tip number four. Something that we learned and currently still have to learn all the time. It’s

Jennifer (15:41):
Like an everyday thing.

Aaron (15:42):
Take the next right step. And what that means is we make a mistake. We said the wrong thing again, we dropped the ball in this area of our marriage, whatever it is, you fill in the blank, you mistepped, right? There’s lots of things, what the enemy wants to do, what our flesh wants to do. Sometimes what our spouse says even is like, well you’re never going to change. You’re just never, you’re always going to be at the same. This is who you are.

Jennifer (16:17):
Or shut down or run away.

Aaron (16:20):
And instead of doing the next right thing, we do another wrong thing. And the advice is when we fall, we stand up and we say, okay, I may not be able to take back that thing that I just did that misstep, but I can at least try and take the next right step. And what it does is it, it’s how the believers believers should walk is that we just keep moving forward.

Jennifer (16:49):
Is that next right step? Even if we know that it’s right, going to feel hard.

Aaron (16:54):
Yes. Yeah. Cuz sometimes we have some pretty serious consequences to decisions we make, but we don’t want, back when I used to be addicted to certain things and had certain sin habits, one thing would happen and I say, well, I might as well do the next thing because I did that one thing and I convinced myself that I should just keep going. That’s taking the next wrong step.

Jennifer (17:21):
Justification for

Aaron (17:23):
What you do to continuing and sin. So the point is the marriage advice. Don’t take that thing you did wrong and make it as an excuse to do another wrong thing.

Jennifer (17:33):
So how do you filter through your choices and say, okay, this is the next right step.

Aaron (17:39):
So let’s say I lied to you, which I don’t, but let’s say I did. I don’t lie again. I say, okay, I lied. I can’t take the lie back. I can reveal that I lied. That’s the next right thing. I can repent of that lie. That’s the next right thing. I can let my wife know that I’m going to not lie to her again. That’s the next right thing. I’m going to continue to pray about why I lied and what led me to that lie. That’s the next right thing. But not saying something, that’s not the next right thing. That’s the next wrong thing. Trying to cover it up. That’s the next wrong thing. Trying to justify it. That’s the next wrong thing. Trying to minimize it. That’s the next wrong thing. So just doing the next right thing, even no matter how hard.

Jennifer (18:25):
So I feel like you kind of simplified a very intense internal dialogue that one would have after sinning. And so I guess to back it up even further, what place spiritually does a person need to be in to even fill those convictions or understand that process of thought of how you just went through it?

Aaron (18:45):
I don’t know.

Jennifer (18:46):
Because isn’t that the most important thing? I think that to know what the right step is,

Aaron (18:50):
Well being in the word of God and listening to the Holy Spirit and feeling that conviction from the Lord and just not compounding the wrong things. Because we’re going to make mistakes and just know that we’re going to make mistakes. But let’s not want to make more mistakes because we made right mistakes.

Jennifer (19:10):
And allow yourself to enter into that place where you’re having a conversation with yourself. Oh man, I just messed up. This is the trajectory I wanna go. This is how to get there instead of avoiding that whole thing because it feels hard. Yeah. Yeah.

Aaron (19:26):
What’s piece of marriage advice? Number five?

Jennifer (19:28):
Number five, you and your spouse are on the same team. This is a good one. And you actually say this out loud, especially when we’re going through a hard time or if we are not on the same page about something or mm-hmm. Strife. Yep. They’re strife. You’re very quick to call out, Hey remember we’re on the same team. I’ve always appreciated that about you.

Aaron (19:49):
Sometimes I say it with an attitude.

Jennifer (19:51):
Yeah. But you believe it. <laugh> and it’s con, I believe, and it’s convincing.

Aaron (19:54):
But the power of remembering you’re on the same team is, I mean you, everyone’s heard the adage divided and conquer. And the Bible even says that a city divided against itself cannot stand a marriage that’s divided, cannot stand. If you’re constantly thinking, I’m against her, she could. She’s against me. We’re not on the same page. We’re not on the same team. Not going to No, you’re not going to win. Yeah. You, you’ve already lost. Yeah. But you remind yourselves, you’re on a team man, that that’ll motivate and change every decision you make in your life when you’re having, you are having strife, you’ll remember, man, I’m angry, but I need to work on how angry I am right now. Cause I don’t wanna be angry with my teammate. Yeah. She’s my partner, she’s my friend, she’s my wife.

Jennifer (20:40):
And to know that you’ll be so ineffective.

Aaron (20:42):
Oh yeah. So knowing you’re on the same team, it keeps you it safe in spiritual attack. It’s a so much a safer place to be. Even when it comes from the attacks from the world, maybe outside relationships who knows? You name it. Being on the same team makes life so much safer, better

Jennifer (21:02):
And funner and more powerful, emotionally more stable. Just encouraged.

Aaron (21:06):
Yeah. You name it all around.

Jennifer (21:08):
All benefit. Good.

Aaron (21:09):
Yeah. Oh, especially in parenting. Oh yeah. Oh man. Team, you

Jennifer (21:13):
Have to be on

Aaron (21:14):
Team. You have to have the same team. Team. Oh man. Okay. Number six, your spouse. Okay, I have to build this up. Your spouse is your type.

Jennifer (21:29):
This

Aaron (21:29):
Seems

Jennifer (21:29):
Obvious. Who you’re attracted to.

Aaron (21:31):
Yeah. Just, okay

Jennifer (21:35):
Explain.

Aaron (21:35):
A friend of mine, Ryan Frederick from fierce marriage.com, he wrote an article about this years ago just talking about how your spouse, he talked about his wife being his standard of beauty. Okay. But that goes both ways. Not just attractiveness, but everything. The kind of man that I am, my hobbies, my things that I enjoy, that’s your type. There is no other person out. There’s not another man out there that is going to fit your type better than I me. And what I’m saying by this is that’s how we should see ourselves. There is no other girl out there for me. There is no other type of woman. There is no other standard of beauty. But you are my standard. There is no, so what that does is if I see a beautiful woman out in public, it doesn’t matter. I’ll be like, oh, that’s not my wife. My wife is beautiful.

Jennifer (22:28):
Okay. I was just, my question was going to be, is this marriage advice for the person who is thinking,

Aaron (22:37):
Well, many

Jennifer (22:38):
Different, well, I guess

Aaron (22:39):
It’s for both many different levels. There could be a lot of discontentment in a marriage of why can’t my husband be more like so and

Jennifer (22:46):
So? Okay, so comparison.

Aaron (22:48):
Why can’t my wife be more like, yeah.

Jennifer (22:50):
But then there’s also the insecurity of one person and how they think their spouse views them. So it’s for

Aaron (22:57):
Both. And then on a deeper, more sinful level, someone who’s unsatisfied in their relationship and is looking mm-hmm. Right. For something else like, oh, I’m not satisfied with this person. They should be something else because there’s this other person over here that does this and looks like this and sounds like this and that. But our spouse, Jennifer, are my standard of beauty and everything that a woman is to me and vice versa. I am your standard.

Jennifer (23:24):
This which, okay, go ahead. No, you go ahead. I was going to say continually changes because we’re changing. We’re constantly changing. And so your standard of beauty for me is increases as I increase with mm-hmm. <affirmative> age and knowledge and Oh,

Aaron (23:40):
I saw the beauty, speaking of what you just said, sorry, I, my

Jennifer (23:43):
Body. Yeah.

Aaron (23:44):
I saw the sweetest. It was a post someone did on Insta on Instagram. And it showed this vile person saying how if their wife ever let their themselves go after marriage, he would leave her. But then it goes from that statement to a guy saying, I’m a photographer. And my wife asked me one time that, why don’t I edit her pictures of pictures of her, the way I edit other people’s pictures. And I was so confused by it. And she says, well, you get rid of all their flaws and you make them look perfect. And he said, and he, he’s thinking, he’s thinking. He’s like, then I realized I don’t edit. I don’t do that with her because I don’t see those flaws. Everything I see in her I see is our history as everything that’s happened to her, all the changes are because we have children together and be because, so it’s all those things that she sees as flaws I see as symbols of my love for her.

(24:36):
Mm-hmm. Is everything that she means to me. Good. And he was crying and I was so good. And that’s what made me think of this is that over time we do change. And we don’t have a previous standard of like, well you once were this way and you’ve just lost it. No, you currently are my standard abuse and I love you and I love everything about you. And that doesn’t mean that we can’t in desire transformation for each other or better men in any areas. But all that to say your spouse is your standard. And as long as we keep that in mind, it actually protects us from a lot of temptations. And also and feeling inadequate. And it goes back to what we talked about last episode, of constantly wanting to affirm our spouse in their beauty, in their character, and all of those things that are good and beautiful and that we love. So

Jennifer (25:25):
Good. Yeah. What number are we on? Oh seven. We are both sinners and we both need Jesus every

Aaron (25:33):
Day. No, some of us need more Jesus than others. No, that’s the point of this is we’re both sinners and we both need Jesus. I think a lot of the times we might calculate, I should say, or evaluate our own shortcomings, our own sins. Much more different than we evaluate our spouses. So like, oh yeah, sure, I’ve done this, but you did this and this and this. Hold

Jennifer (26:02):
On, they’re going to think I talked to you like that.

Aaron (26:04):
No, I’m mimicking some other family, not you at all. So no, I’m not mimicking you, I’m just, but that’s kind of what we do. We have this dialogue with ourselves of well sure, cuz no one’s going to say they’re perfect. Maybe someone does. But sure I have this thing over here. But that thing you do, that’s the thing that is more important to focus on. And we’re going to pick at that. And again, this doesn’t mean that we can’t call out sin each other and that we shouldn’t do that. But it’s seeing clearly,

Jennifer (26:35):
I think there’s a reality too that of knowing that you are going to mess up, you’re going to make mistakes, you’re going to fail, you are going to hurt me at times and I’m going to do that too. And there’s going to be times that we walk down some hard roads because of choices that we make. And we need to be able to give each other grace. And we can only do do that if we have received grace from Jesus.

Aaron (26:59):
And also realizing, man, my wife needs Jesus. I love you and I’m going to pray for you and I wanna give you that grace and mercy that you need cuz that’s what I want. And then it goes back to that scripture that where Jesus talks about the plank eye, often we feel like we can see so clearly in our spouse’s eyes, the sin that they have without clearly looking inward at our own. And so it helps shape our perspectives of our spouse <laugh>, when we see clearly of our own. What happened?

Jennifer (27:33):
What did I say? No, if I wasn’t listening, I’m sorry. Oh, I had this

Aaron (27:39):
Man, it must have been real good what I was sharing. I’m just kidding.

Jennifer (27:42):
No, but that picture of Oprah where she says you’re a winner and they’re a winner. We’re all winners car for you A coffee <laugh>. Okay. But I’m like, you’re a sinner. I’m a sinner. We’re all sinner <laugh>. Sorry.

Aaron (27:52):
It’s pretty true. Okay.

Jennifer (27:54):
I’m really sorry.

Aaron (27:55):
Essentially, it’s just No, it’s good. It’s just shaping our perspectives of each other. Seeing clearly that I am fully capable of working on my own sin and singing inwardly and having a good evaluation and judge so that I can with love and patience, do that for you as well. And that we both knowing, just always remembering we both need Jesus.

Jennifer (28:15):
I feel like number eight’s kind of the same

Aaron (28:18):
Kind of, well we gave a 17th anyway. So this goes into number eight. The gospel heals all

Jennifer (28:29):
And always and all the times.

Aaron (28:31):
Yes, we need Jesus. I know we were talking about that. But this goes into how we do it. This idea of that we become a gospel centric marriage. That we recognize that in every aspect. So if it comes to our parenting, we need more gospel. We need to know that God’s transforming us and we need him to work in us so that we can be good parents.

Jennifer (28:55):
And same with our kids. He’s transforming them.

Aaron (28:57):
They need the gospel also. They need to know that Jesus loves them, that he died for them, that their sins are forgiven and washed away by hit the blood of the cross of Christ. And that we’re to belief. And what that means is, so the gospel hills all is that if we operate in our marriage with a workspace mentality, that’s not a gospel based mentality. What that means is, until you’ve done X, until you’ve done Y, until you’ve done Z,

Jennifer (29:28):
Then I’ll love you. Or then I’ll do this, then I’ll do that.

Aaron (29:31):
Well, yeah, whatever it is or yeah, until you’ve done this, until you’ve earned it. But that’s not how the gospel works. The gospel believe

Jennifer (29:38):
Gospel unconditional.

Aaron (29:40):
So if we go into our relationships with that mentality, if we go into our marriage with the gospel at the center of it, then we realize what our spouse needs more of as the gospel. What we need more of is the gospel. The reason we have this disagreement is because one of us, or both of us are not believing the gospel. We’re believing a lie about something or believing we we’re owed something. And so it goes back to like, man, I’m not owed anything. Christ gave everything and I can give nothing.

Jennifer (30:10):
We’ve experienced a lot of situations in our marriage where there’s fi, fighting or disagreement and we’re just kind of at each other. And then it takes hours of processing and dialogue and well, what about this? And then you said that. But always when it comes back down to the root cause of whatever the thing is, it’s always some thing we’re wrestling with some lie that we’ve believed, some insecurity that we have or a sin problem that

Aaron (30:45):
We’ve let

Jennifer (30:47):
Permeate into our way of being that came out and disrupted life. And that we’ve had so many moments where we both have encouraged each other to look toward the gospel. Hey, remember? And part of the reconciliation is believing again, what is true?

Aaron (31:08):
So the gospel, number nine,

Jennifer (31:11):
Never talk bad about your spouse in front of others, especially to family. Because they don’t forget.

Aaron (31:17):
They don’t,

Jennifer (31:18):
I think we forget that in marriage we’re constantly having these interactions and things happening and then we get over them. Or we have a moment of reconciliation and things are fleeting and we’re with each other. We chose each other. We are in the day, day out of it all. And when we sidestep and have conversations with others, whether it be family or friends or whoever, and we talk about each other in a negative light that forms an opinion in those other people, those listeners, and they don’t get the same process of reconciliation of what happened. They’re not a part of that intimacy. So then they’re just left with it.

Aaron (32:06):
Well, and it paints a picture for the person you’re talking to. It doesn’t portray your spouse as Christ would portray them. And

Jennifer (32:19):
It’s maybe not even how you see them because it’s done in emotional distress.

Aaron (32:25):
An example would be like, man, my wife’s always nagging me. That’s a very negative thing. Let’s say your wife is nagging you. This is not how you’re going to fix that. Going and talking is telling someone that all you’ve done is made your wife an enemy and made your person you’re talking to think of them as an enemy,

Jennifer (32:44):
Left a reputation

Aaron (32:45):
Mark. Yeah. You’re trying and this is what’s, what’s so destructive about it. You go do that. Going back to the marriage advice about being on the same team, all you’re doing is tearing your own team apart. All you’re doing is making your own team weaker. It doesn’t make you look any better. It doesn’t make you any stronger. Nothing. All it does is make you weaker. Talking about this. And I wanna make one little caveat. This is not to say that you should never go seek counsel on hard things in your marriage when you go to someone that you trust and that lets

Jennifer (33:17):
You, I think people know the difference between how you’re talking about someone. Yes,

Aaron (33:21):
Yeah, I’m struggling. Yes, this thing happened. I feel like my wife was being mean. Or I feel like my husband said this thing. That’s not the same thing as, man, I really don’t like so-and-so. Or they always do this y z or I mean, if you’ve done it, you’ve done it. And you know what? It sounds like

Jennifer (33:36):
There’s a very respectful way to talk about a situation that you need help with or prayer for

Aaron (33:41):
Versus Yeah. One is, I love my spouse and I want this situation reconciled. The other is, I hate my spouse and I’m going to say this mean thing about them. Those are the two perspectives. So never talk bad about your spouse in front of others, especially to family, which that trickles into number 10. This was a big one. We had to learn early on. It was very difficult. And I know a lot of marriages, this is, people deal with this. This is a big deal to a

Jennifer (34:07):
Lot of marriages. This is about boundaries.

Aaron (34:08):
This is about boundaries. You and your spouse, this is the marriage advice. You and your spouse are on the inside and everyone else is on the outside.

Jennifer (34:17):
Meaning when it comes to friends, anyone who’s not your spouse,

Aaron (34:25):
That even your kids,

Jennifer (34:27):
Your spouse comes first.

Aaron (34:29):
Well, you and your spouse are the ones who dictate how your home operates

Jennifer (34:35):
Home. No one else. Life, all of it.

Aaron (34:37):
My mom does not get to come in and say, you should do this, you should do this, you should do this. She can give marriage advice all she wants. That’s all it is.

Jennifer (34:43):
I feel like you’re saying it kind

Aaron (34:45):
Of harsh. I’m sorry, nothing’s happened recently. I’m just saying, I’m just trying to be strong with this because there are some people that have allowed other extramarital human beings to

Jennifer (34:55):
Have way too much influence in not

Aaron (34:57):
Just influence what’s going on. They have more say than their spouse does. And it has been, it’s destructive. It’s completely, utterly destructive. Remember going back to your team, that’s not a team. What you’ve done is you’ve, you say you’re a team and you’re bringing in this outsource outside source

Jennifer (35:14):
To defend your point or

Aaron (35:16):
To be on your side. And that is so destructive. No one, no one, but you and your spouse are in charge of what go with the say that happens in your home and how it

Jennifer (35:28):
Operates. So what Aaron’s trying to say is it’s good to have wise counsel. Absolutely. marriage Advice, encouragement, people sharing things. I mean, we talk about this all the time, how good it is to be in community and have family and friends who can see what’s going on in your life and marriage and parenting and to speak into that. But what he’s saying is, when it comes to you and your spouse making decisions for your family, that comes from you two being on the same page.

Aaron (35:56):
No one else. And so everything else is in unified invited. Yes. Like, hey, we we’re going to take your marriage advice that you just gave us and and my wife will evaluate that. So that’s number

Jennifer (36:09):
10. All right. Number 11. Have fun more with each other. <laugh>. Have fun. Have lots of fun. Be silly. Play, laugh, dance. Why?

Aaron (36:20):
Because we need fun.

Jennifer (36:23):
Our bodies were biologically made to respond to humor. Well and memes. No,

Aaron (36:31):
It’s so important. If we’re not having fun, I think something’s wrong. If we’re irritable all the time, bored all the time with each other, we don’t get excited around each other. There’s gotta be changed.

Jennifer (36:46):
It sounds like someone needs to play the tortilla game.

Aaron (36:48):
We need to do the tortilla slap game. I’m going to do that. But number 11, that’s a simple one. We don’t have much to go with it. But be playful and go. Going back to what I said a little while ago about don’t punish the things you not repeated. Don’t punish

Jennifer (37:03):
If your spouse is repeat. If your spouse is trying to be fun with you, don’t reject it.

Aaron (37:07):
Yeah. Be fun back with them. Be more fun back with them. Surprise them. That I would surprise you probably if I played with you cuz you go play with me. That would surprise me. I usually am

Jennifer (37:17):
Actually, there have been times where you come up and you’re trying to dance with me or be romantic cuz that kind of thing. But I’m so caught off guard. I’m like, what are you doing?

Aaron (37:25):
Well you need to work. Workout it too. Yeah, let’s have more fun.

Jennifer (37:28):
Okay, number 12, I’ll do this one. I beat. Yeah,

Aaron (37:31):
I will do it. 12. Schedule a consistent date night. This is a big deal. Now this doesn’t mean if you aren’t even capable of getting a couple dates in a row and that that’s not the end of the world.

Jennifer (37:44):
Well it’s really how you define a date. Cuz you don’t have to go out and spend money or do something.

Aaron (37:49):
Well, it’s an intentional, it’s

Jennifer (37:50):
Being

Aaron (37:50):
Intentional. A long time with your spouse outside of the home. I would say. Yeah, sometimes you can for a walk. Yeah, you can for a walk. But having it consistent, so the moment we put it on the calendar,

Jennifer (37:59):
It

Aaron (38:00):
Happens. It happens way more than it did when we didn’t have it on the calendar.

Jennifer (38:03):
It’s definitely a game changer when you have kids, when you start having kids,

Aaron (38:07):
You gotta schedule that man.

Jennifer (38:08):
You

Aaron (38:08):
Got to <laugh>. Like if it ain’t scheduled, it ain’t happen on. So it also because it’s on the calendar, because it’s on the front of your mind. Because we know, oh on this day we’re going to have day. It actually heightens your excitement.

Jennifer (38:22):
You look forward to

Aaron (38:23):
It. Yeah. You’re like, oh, you have something to look forward to. Midweek or whatever it is. So scheduling it, making it consistent. What it does is it means that, let’s say you have a season where you can’t be going on those dates, sickness, traveling, whatever it is,

Jennifer (38:38):
It’s still going to happen.

Aaron (38:39):
It’s still going to happen. And you’re not thinking, I don’t remember the last time we went on a date was you’re thinking like, oh, I can’t wait for the next time we go on a

Jennifer (38:46):
Date. Some things we love to utilize dates for, especially cuz we have five kids at home and they’re getting older and paying attention to every conversation we have is we like to check in with each other. We like to ask how we’re doing. We like to dream together and talk about plans for the future and what’s working and what’s not working and what goals we

Aaron (39:04):
Have. Almost all of the big things we’ve done in our life were planned over a date. The house we’re in Al almost, I’m pretty sure every single book for the most part was planned over some form of date

Jennifer (39:18):
Probably. Yeah. I don’t know. So

Aaron (39:20):
I wasn’t keeping track. It’s pretty amazing. I know number

Jennifer (39:22):
13, what he is trying to say is amazing. Things happen on date night.

Aaron (39:25):
Number 13 is probably going to be a hard one for some people. And I don’t know why cuz I’m an extrovert, but have, get, grab, make, cultivate, close, married friends

Jennifer (39:43):
In friendship,

Aaron (39:44):
Preferably ones who love Jesus. Yeah. This is a non-negotiable people. I can’t say it enough. And I know enough people that they will say, I don’t have any friends. They will say that almost like it’s a trophy. I’m like, that’s not a trophy. You need friends. You need people in your life that can come to you and not just you enjoy their company, but they can also tell you when you’re being a jerk, they can tell you when, Hey, here’s an area in your life you can grow in. And that you could do the same for them. It’s such a big deal. I’m not going to, in no small part, in no small way did friends play a role in saving our marriage

Jennifer (40:32):
Is true.

Aaron (40:34):
Wasn’t the only thing, but it was not the small thing. It was the largest portion of the redemption and restoration of our marriage was close. Christian friends. The benefits of it is you’re not alone. And again, some introverts are like, what’s wrong with being alone? You’re not alone. They remind you, you’re not alone. They reach

Jennifer (41:04):
Out. They support you.

Aaron (41:05):
They support you.

Jennifer (41:07):
They give you meals when you’re sick,

Aaron (41:09):
But almost more valuable than those things that they do for you. It makes, it’s the ability for you to be a friend, for you to reach out, for you to practice the fruits of the spirit in another person’s life. Because often people will say, we’ve tried and no one will x, Y, z. I’m like, well, are you being the X, y, Z that you want? And a friend the radio station air one always says there’s plenty of good nice people or kind people in the world. And if you can’t find one, be one. Like be a friend. Be the person you want others to be to you. It’s that. That’s the golden rule that Jesus teaches is treat others as you’d like to be treated. Have close married friends. This is a non-negotiable you. Your life and marriage will be so much more fruitful and beautiful and powerful and all these good things with good close married Christian friends.

Jennifer (42:14):
And then what you wanna do is number 12 and 11. So you wanna take, have more

Aaron (42:19):
Fun?

Jennifer (42:20):
Do you wanna take those friends? You wanna go on double dates and have more fun together? Yes. Those are some of our favorite dates and memorable moments

Aaron (42:28):
Together. 13, 12, 11. Yep.

Jennifer (42:30):
All right. Number 14, never stop learning about your spouse. Never stop studying your spouse. Never stop looking into what they’re interested in and get to know them. And

Aaron (42:41):
This is something that hard for me because I can get so caught up in, not caught up. I’ll just say it. Comfortable, lazy. Comfortable. Comfortable. That’s so much nicer. Familiar. You familiar?

Jennifer (42:52):
You

Aaron (42:53):
Know me. I think I know you are. I I almost more just, I forget to ask how are you doing? What are you learning? But the other day I asked you, I said, what are you learning in the word right now? And you’re like, you looked at me.

Jennifer (43:06):
Well, thank you. I can’t.

Aaron (43:09):
Wow.

Jennifer (43:09):
I think it had been a while.

Aaron (43:10):
It had been a while. But you had told me and I trying to remember and I’m trying to, you’re growing too. You’re even though we’re one, you’re still a unique individual human being that God’s imparting wisdom to and growing and maturing and you’re you, you’re going through things and you’re learning things and you’re becoming a older woman. You’re not old, but you’re becoming an older woman. I’m an older man. You just call me old. No, I said you’re not old

Jennifer (43:36):
Getting

Aaron (43:37):
Old. But that we would practice. This is a skill that we get to learn over the decades.

Jennifer (43:43):
Why is it important to know each other in that way? To study each other and to know each other. I’ll tell you. Okay. It comes in it handy when you wanna purchase a gift or spoil one another because you already know what that person likes or is interested in. It comes in handy when you’re planning date nights or date days because you already know what they’ve been looking forward to, what they absolutely won’t go near. And

Aaron (44:11):
It gives you ways of encouraging knowing them. So you’re like, man, I wanna be growing in this area. It’s something I found out about you. I can be like, Hey, you said you wanna be growing this area. How can I help with that? What’s ways I can encourage you?

Jennifer (44:25):
I was going to say prayer. If you know them and you’re studying them and you can see without them even explaining to you what they’re struggling with or where they’re finding success in, you can be praying for those areas.

Aaron (44:37):
That’s real good. Yeah. Keep learning. All right, number 15. All right. This is also a hard one. Could be hard. Learn to forgive quickly. Seriously,

Jennifer (44:52):
Go. This one took Aaron years to figure out years and I told him every day, can you

Aaron (44:58):
Forgive me? Is something, it’s something we’re

Jennifer (45:00):
All, oh no, I’m sorry. It was saying I’m sorry that that was hard for

Aaron (45:05):
You. That’s the saying. I’m sorry is hard for, do

Jennifer (45:07):
You remember

Aaron (45:07):
You forgiving me is what’s hard.

Jennifer (45:09):
Yeah. I totally messed that one up. Aaron, it took you years to say I’m sorry. Even on the silliest of things, man, I do not miss that.

Aaron (45:19):
Well, yeah, that’s another podcast episode

Jennifer (45:22):
We can talk about. You’ve grown a lot.

Aaron (45:24):
So learning to forgive quickly, I just wanna encourage all you listening to go read everything in the New Testament about forgiveness because the Bible is pretty serious about it. We’ve done some episodes on it, but the quicker you forgive man, the quicker you’re back to being on the same page, the quicker you’re back to being on the team

Jennifer (45:42):
And don’t do what I did. Don’t fool yourself by just saying, I forgive. I forgive you. And because when you don’t, because then it just kind of buries itself. I

Aaron (45:49):
Said, I

Jennifer (45:50):
Forgive you. It varies itself. You have to stop talking like that. Like me, you guys. I don’t talk to him with attitude like

Aaron (45:55):
That. What’s funny is they can hear your voice. Your voice is so much prettier than mine. They know that that’s not how you sound.

Jennifer (46:01):
I hope not. Oh anyways, forgive quickly because it’s better for your soul. And there’s

Aaron (46:07):
Last, but definitely not least. And it’s also, this is not an extensive list of all of the wisdom that we might have somehow gained over the years. But last one for us.

Jennifer (46:19):
Well, I’m going to share one at the very end, but go

Aaron (46:23):
Ahead. We’re like at 20. We’re not even 20 now. It’s like 20. I’m just kidding. Okay, number 16, I’m going to say it and then I’m

Jennifer (46:32):
Explain.

Aaron (46:33):
I’m going to explain it

Jennifer (46:34):
<laugh>, because it’s not straightforward at all.

Aaron (46:36):
Have children together. <laugh>. Okay. Someone’s like what?

Jennifer (46:43):
Excuse me. What? <laugh>.

Aaron (46:44):
Just listen.

Jennifer (46:45):
Have children ra raise children together.

Aaron (46:48):
First of all, children are literally the physical manifestation of two becoming one. Okay? It’s both our DNAs, both our images, both our personalities and characters. Both our histories becoming into a new creature, a new creation, a new little person. And I just think that’s beautiful and I think that’s amazing. Okay. Now, if you can’t physically have a baby, cuz I know there are people that this has been a long time prayer and a painful area of their life, that they would love to have children, but they can’t. I wanna encourage you to pray about adoption. And to be honest, I’m sure you already are, but this doesn’t mean you have to have only biological children have children. One of the most powerful and beautiful things about marriage is that it is between a man and woman. The way God designed it, it’s a s, it’s the word.

(47:47):
It’s a beautiful, safe Petri dish cultivating little humans that love God. One of the main ministries of a marriage is to when you have children, to raise them to know God, to raise them, to be children who understand the word. And of course trusting the Lord with their salvation, but raising them to know him. Children refine us in a huge way. They refine us. They challenge every aspect of our personality. And faith. And faith. They show us just how selfish we are and make us not be selfish. Children are amazing. They give us an opportunity. This is something that, this was a huge thing. Jennifer mentioned a little bit earlier about how early on in our marriage, we were in this weird place with this idea of having children. But one of the things that God used to capture my heart on this idea of becoming a dad, I prayed and I said, God, I want to be a better teacher and I wanna be able to teach these other marriages about you.

(48:59):
I need to know you more. And God pointed out to me, he is like, if you want to know me more, there’s a sight of me you’ll never know unless you become a father. And that was it. I was like, oh, I need to be a dad. If I wanna know more about God, I need to be a father. That wasn’t the only thing, but that was it. That was the thing that just went from me being as selfish. I don’t wanna have kids because whatever, to like, no, I want children. No, I didn’t know how many or whatever just my heart changed in that moment because I wanted to know more of God. And children give you the opportunity to become more like God the Father, the one who has children and treats us as children. They also give us deep and meaningful ministry like

Jennifer (49:47):
Life purpose,

Aaron (49:48):
Life purpose. Every

Jennifer (49:49):
Day I wake up, I know for a matter of fact I’ve got little ones that rely on me and I have a purpose to serve

Aaron (49:56):
Them. Yeah. You mothers and fathers out there. I’m just going to say this one. The most important ministry you’ll ever have in your entire life is your children. Your first ministry is your spouse, your second, and most important is your children. It you’re raising, like we can go across the ocean and preach the gospel to people we don’t know. That’s good. But we have little people living right here in our home that we’re with every day. Are we showing them the gospel with our life and the decisions we make and the way we repent and the like. That’s amazing. That’s huge. And last but not least, about this idea of having children. The Bible, God tells us that children are a blessing from him. They’re a blessing. So Jennifer and I, we want you to be blessed. So if you’re contemplating having children, if you are desiring to have children, if it’s something that’s the, you haven’t have any yet, but you’re thinking about it, we wanna encourage you to be praying that direction because we want you to be blessed. So I wanted to make that thing. I know that there’s some people that can’t, but there’s always adoption. There’s also just your heart to be a mother. Your heart to be a mother is such a huge good thing. So we want to encourage you in that and say, God bless you for that. So that’s our 16 ish

Jennifer (51:23):
<laugh>

Aaron (51:24):
Bits

Jennifer (51:24):
Of marriage advice. The last one that I was going to share is really simple, and you can do it with all of these as you implement them, these forms. It’s just be nice. Just be nice, be a nice person, be a nice person be kind.

Aaron (51:37):
Sorry. Don’t be all grumpy all

Jennifer (51:38):
The time. Be kind. Yeah, I can hear my, every once in a while my mom comes out to visit and there’s moments that Aaron and I have a little bickering or whatever, and I could hear her voice after all these years still say, oh, Jennifer, be nice. She does do, but she says it about my relationship toward you. Like, yeah. Oh, Jennifer, be nice. Sometimes you’re not even in the room. She’ll whisper it. Oh, Jennifer, be nice. And so it’s just a good reminder that we need to be nice to each other in all ways. The way that we communicate the thoughts that we have toward one another all our intention be nice.

Aaron (52:15):
Yep. Let’s get a little free bonus for you. We won’t charge you on that one. Okay.

Jennifer (52:20):
Wow, this week’s chilling. Oh, go ahead. Just I, it’s our last time before the next season and I just wanted to say thank you guys so much for joining us and following along and just supporting this podcast. We love marriage after God. We love the community. We love knowing that there’s couples out there who desire to grow and mature and chase boldly after God together. And we just wanted to say we love you guys and we hope that you have an incredible New year and just, I don’t know, we we’re praying for your marriage and we love you guys.

Aaron (52:56):
While you wait for the next season, will you please take some time and go back through the last episodes that maybe you haven’t cut up on yet? Check ’em out. We have a lot <laugh> of episodes now. But also, would you please share our podcast with a friend? Let someone know, someone that you know has a good commute, that likes to listen to the podcast, share with them.

Jennifer (53:16):
Lastly, if you feel inspired to share with us some thoughts on topics for next season, you can reach out to us on Instagram at Marriage after God and just shoot us a DM with your topic ideas and we’ll be sure to look over those before we start the next season. Start the next season.

Aaron (53:37):
Awesome. So weekly challenge. This week, your challenge is to read the Bible together at least three times. Challenge accepted. Yes. Good? Yes. Okay. All right. I’m going to pray. Dear Lord, thank you for our marriage. Thank you for the opportunities you give us every day to love each other. Well, we pray we would be wise couples who clinging to truth. We pray we would listen to sound marriage advice and apply it. We pray you would continue to mature us and shape our marriage relationship, increase our ability to love and be known by each other when fear or doubt creeps into our marriage, we pray your truth will cover us with peace. Please use our marriage to bless each other and use us as a team to bring your glory as we support and encourage other marriages around us. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Jennifer (54:27):
Thank you for joining us for another episode of the Marriage After God podcast.

Aaron (54:30):
If you found today’s episode fun and encouraging, please take a moment to share it on social media or in an email to some of your married friends.

Jennifer (54:36):
Also, would you please take a moment and leave us a review, reviews help to spread the word about our podcast?

Aaron (54:41):
Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode, and you can always check out more of our resources@marriageaftergod.com.

Jennifer (54:46):
You can follow us on social media for more marriage encouragement on Facebook and Instagram at Marriage after God at Husband Revolution, and at Unveiled Wife.

Aaron (54:55):
We hope you have an incredible week and look forward to sharing more with you next week on The Marriage After God podcast.