We had been married two years and things were fragile between us. We loved being married and desired that our relationship was strong. However, many expectations were left unmet. My husband and I had both hurt each other in ways we never thought we would, we said things we never thought we would ever say.
Most days were ok. Yet, some days it seemed impossible to believe that we were going to make it.
We each did things that required the other to have patience, compassion, grace…you know for all those little things that we started noticing after the wedding. Those little things came and went…but there was something much bigger that I wish we never had to deal with…pornography.
My husband told me that he had been struggling. He felt shame, guilt, hurt, and knew that I would be hurt if he told me, but he wanted to apologize and make things right again.
The truth devastated me.
One word I would use to describe us in that moment: brokenness.
My husband felt broken, believing he was a slave to sin and feeling the pain of his consequences, the effects of his actions bombarding our marriage.
I felt broken, believing I was not good enough for my husband and feeling betrayed.
Our marriage…broken by choices to walk in the flesh.
There are several things that pornography destroys in a wife.
Desire.
I immediately lost my desire for my husband. I didn’t want to be near him. I wanted to runaway and hide while I flushed out my feelings. I experienced an overload of emotions ranging from rage to disgust to sorrow to anger. And I definitely had no desire to be physically intimate with him again. The truth of my husband using pornography burned up my desire for him.
Confidence.
I could feel my posture start to melt, slumping down with my head hung low. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to respond. I lashed out, I cried, I put my head in my hands. I had always struggled to have confidence in myself, in our relationship, in every area of life…the truth about my husband using pornography stole whatever confidence I did have right out of my heart, leaving a big gaping hole for doubt to settle in. I don’t know my husband. Does he even love me? Question after question flooded my mind and stirred up anxiety until it felt hard to breathe.
Self-Esteem.
I hated myself for not being good enough – a lie I embraced to help me understand why my husband would do such a thing. I felt so broken. This is my fault. If I was more attractive, more riskier, more….and on and on I condemned myself. My attitude reflecting the ugly I was processing, the ugly truth that my husband chose pornography over his wife.
Trust.
In the moment of my husband telling me the truth that he had been viewing pornography I could feel intimate connections we had made start to crumble. I could feel the weight of destruction. I could feel myself frantically putting back up all the walls that took so long for me to let down so that trust could exist in our marriage. Up went the walls…unsure if they would ever come back down. This destruction shook the foundations of our covenant and the aftershocks left me a paranoid wife.
I am sharing this today because I know I am not the only wife who has experienced the devastation of pornography. Maybe you have felt these things but have never been able to identify how you have been affected. I know I will have some nodding their heads with this list in agreement with me, while for other your wounds may be so raw that you find yourself weeping.
I get it. The pain is real.
From the bottom of my heart I want you to know that I am so sorry that you have experienced this.
I also want to share with everyone that despite these things that pornography destroys…
There is HOPE!
Hope for reconciliation. Hope for restoration. Hope for redeeming love. Hope for much better days.
Despite having gone through a treacherous battle and the affects it took on me and my marriage, I am now standing strong as a wife. My husband and I made it through victoriously because of Jesus Christ and the truth found in God’s Word.
It was not an overnight process of transformation, rather it took a long time for change. But it came. My desire for my husband was restored, I have more confidence, self-esteem and trust now than I ever had before. My husband and I are living in victory! And I want you to know that you can too!
- Start with prayer. Submit your feelings to God and ask Him for help.
- Read God’s Word and become familiar with His truth. His Words will fulfill you and build up your confidence and self-esteem more than your husband ever could.
- Educate yourself with a few resources about pornography such as Wired For Intimacy By William Struthers.
- I also encourage you to pray and ask God to give you and your husband a chance to talk about this issue and its damaging effects, that you both would listen and respond to each other with grace leading your hearts.
Lastly, I want to share with you that once I saw my husband as a sinner in need of Christ to save him, I was able to take a deep breath. He is a sinner and I am a sinner. Our flesh seeks to be satisfied daily and the enemy is right there with temptations waiting. This is the war that is waging. Don’t war against your husband, war for him. Pray against the flesh and against the enemy. Pray for victory in this battle and pray in Jesus’ Holy and powerful name!
Dear Lord,
I pray for wives who have been destroyed by the choices their husbands have made to partake in pornography. I pray that You would pour out Your Holy Spirit and guide these couples to a place of grace, a place of peace, a place of redeeming love. Thank You Jesus for covering our sins and giving us freedom from bondage. I pray against pornography and every tactic the enemy uses to tempt husbands and wives to sin. I pray for freedom. I pray for victory in these marriages in Jesus’ name! May Your will be done. May transformation take place. Wipe every tear and calm every heart. I pray You would give husbands and wives the courage to talk today and to choose to walk in righteousness. I pray for love to abound in Jesus’ name AMEN!