Dear Steve,
Sometimes I just have to wonder about you… how is it that you are still here? Back in the beginning I carried in so much baggage, so many things I hadn’t dealt with – yet there you were listening, understanding, holding me & whispering everything would be alright as I was crumpled in a ball, yet again, sobbing about how I just couldn’t measure up… but you’ve never made me feel ‘less’ – only loved…
I prayed & prayed that God wouldn’t take you away from me. Amid all my new anxieties & fears… somehow I just ‘knew’ that if you walked out the door by yourself, you were going to get hurt or killed or kidnapped or SOMETHING terrible! I just couldn’t wrap my mind around how someone as broken and warped as me… someone that had messed up so many times… could end up with someone so gentle, so caring, so forgiving as you.
Then that night after our dinner out, you let it slip that there indeed was a ring already purchased… when I burst into tears I think you figured there was no use waiting and went to get it from its hiding place. All I could do was cry and stare at that ring on my hand and kiss you and in my mind just wonder ‘how is this actually happening to ME?!’
I always felt so unworthy of happiness. I’m so sorry for how my negativity has hurt you – I know you have always seen something in me that I just couldn’t see. As our relationship with God grew, you began to affirm HIS opinion of me as well and I just have to say, if it weren’t for your love & kindness in the middle of all my crazy… I wouldn’t have a clue how to receive God’s love for me. I still struggle with it. I pick at myself & wonder why I can’t have curves or something, but you always counter with ‘I love you just the way you are.’
Then, like yesterday, (almost 5 years of marriage & 1 miracle baby later) I’m crabby & snap ‘why are you staring at me!’ …and without missing a beat you just smile and say ‘because you’re beautiful’ …and I couldn’t hold back the laughter… thank u
—
Love Your Wife,
Lana
