I use to struggle with consuming thoughts of doubt, unsure if my husband and I were truly in love. This doubt haunted me! Those first four years of marriage were the most trying. Instead of feeling fulfilled that I was finally a wife in a happily-ever-after kind of love relationship, I found myself in amidst a combat zone defending my life and sanity.
I yearned to have a perfect marriage, a perfect life…
I was unprepared for the challenges we faced as a couple…
I often doubted our love and wondered…
Is my marriage a mistake?
It is incredibly difficult to have hope in a relationship where doubt has infiltrated. I wish I could tell you I persevered and remained faithful about my marriage and the purpose God may have intended for us, but that would not be accurate. There were days I wrested with temptations including: wishing I was not a bride, day dreaming about being with someone else, thinking upon tragic situations that would take my life or my husband’s, substituting counterfeit intimacy, and acting unbecoming to push my husband to want to walk away.
Sometimes I hated my husband, sometimes I thought we were not compatible, sometimes I thought divorce would be the only way out. I wanted to escape the life I knew.
I was exhausted of fighting with my husband, but I also didn’t want the weight of separation resting on my heart. The contention pulled me away from God and my husband. Depression literally pressed me down and suffocated the life out of my marriage.
My perspective on marriage was skewed. I was concentrating so much on my needs and what I wanted that I failed to think about my husband. I had a desire to be happy and to live an easy life. With each trial we faced, whether great or small, it was a flaming arrow attacking the very thing I wanted most. With my eyes focused on myself, I couldn’t see how God was moving or what God wanted for my husband and I. My vision cloudy and my heart distracted by the ongoing chase for contentment and satisfaction.
We only made it to where we are now because of God!
In the midst of my pain and agonizing over the thought of divorce, God pursued me. He relentlessly invited me to join Him in an intimate relationship. In my anger I resisted for a while, but I finally realized that if I didn’t respond to God and allow Him back into my life, my marriage would have ended. In my longing to salvage the love I once had for my husband, I surrendered to God.
As I drew closer to God, my heart was transformed, and in many ways I am still being transformed. I believe one of the biggest contributors to the doubt I had about marriage was wrapped up in my denial of my own character. I thought I was close to perfect, blind to the fact that I was part of the problem. My behavior, my intentions, my perspective, all of it was skewed because I failed to acknowledge and repent from the sin in my life.
By turning to God and having an intimate relationship with Him, I allowed Him to show me where I needed to grow. In that process of receiving God’s grace and being refined, I found purpose for my marriage. God unveiled the power of His grace and how I can extend that grace to my husband. During times of tension, disagreement, or hurt, my husband and I gave each other grace. It was not always easy, but it always helped us reconcile.
Where there was no peace, we have unity.
Where there was no love, we have intimacy.
And my only answer is God! He taught me how to be married, and unveiled to me the truth that our marriage was meant for so much more than I ever knew coming into it!
Now I know confidently that we do love each other and marriage was not a mistake.
If you are struggling with doubt and wonder if your marriage is a mistake, I urge you to push those thoughts away! If you dwell on them you will only feed them and they will grow wildly out of control. Please confront these feelings and ask God to help you dwell more on the purpose He has for you and your husband! When you grasp the power of God’s grace and the purpose of marriage, that is when your heart will be satisfied. Hang in their friend and draw near to God.
Just so you are aware, I am currently writing a book that goes into greater detail of those first crucial years of being a wife, the struggles we encountered, and how God walked us through healing. If you would like to be notified with updates on my new book you can sign-up below!