Have you ever been asked to do something that you didn’t feel worthy of doing? For example, interceding in prayer for a friend in need, holding a position on an important committee, or even, being a contributing writer for a blog?
Over the past year and a half I have felt the most unworthy for the tasks which God has called me. First, He asked me to start my own blog, sharing my deepest feelings, as a way of encouraging others. Then, He asked me to be an encouragement to many women in my community and inner circle. And, the list goes on.
Although it may be surprising to hear, after 13 years of marriage, I still find myself unworthy to one of the most important tasks to which God has called me…to be a wife. I feel unqualified to love, nurture and care for my husband. To provide for his needs and to be an eager follower of his spiritual leadership.
So, how can I be worthy of these tasks? What made God choose me for this man?
There was a time, several years ago, in a moment of insanity and stupidity, when I actually offered to my husband the choice to find someone of more value for himself. I didn’t want him to leave, but I didn’t feel deserving of him staying. Not when I couldn’t be who I thought he needed. Did these thoughts come from him or anything he had done? No. They had come from inside me. From negative thinking and simply, a lack of self-worth.
John and Stasi Eldredge, in the book Captivating, describe this negative thinking and sense of failure this way:
An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy.
I have come to believe that Satan is responsible for these types thoughts. Throughout my life, I have been extremely vulnerable to these thoughts. It has only been recently that I have begun to understand that it is my identity in Christ, not my role as a wife, mother, daughter, etc., that defines my value.
Although I have become more proficient at listening to God’s voice and His opinion of me, it is still a struggle. Yet, I am convinced, more now than ever, that God is with me in this struggle, even when it feels like He is absent or doesn’t understand.
Through my study in the book of Esther and the Wife After God devotional, I have discovered that who I am reflects who God is. That His light, His goodness, and His righteousness can be seen through me. By my friends, my family, and most importantly, my husband.
I do not deserve anything in this life. But, God, in His grace, has found favor with me, and has gifted me with many treasures. One of these being my husband. My merit as a wife does not come as a result of a checklist of rules I’ve followed. My value is found in Christ alone, and because of that I have been declared worthy. As a woman and as a wife.